My whole life I been at war between the person I believed I should be and the person I actually am. In so many aspects of life I am an alpha in control degrees, awards, saving lives as a search and rescue member.
I felt it natural to take that into my relationships to project that power, yet the more I see now it I was so phoney. I tried to always claim I was a service top that I got joy from making others happy. Yet I mostly felt like a lifeless corpse going through vague motions that made others happy.
As the years became decades I realize I am jealous and sad getting to see my subs happy in ways I only dream about. Tears in my heart fill how much of my life I feel was wasted being disingenuous to my desires.
I would love for the right male or female dom to help me explore this desire. I dont want to hold it back anymore. I regret not being able to experience this aspect of life sooner.