I never thought that talking to random kinksters and other people in this hobby would influence me.
Those who know me understand I been going through issues with myself n my sexuality for years.
I think the core aspects that have been prevailing which I accept: No shame, own yourself n who you are, growth n flowering into new experiences is healthy.
These are core aspects that I think I had been deficient in my thinking. Part of those aspects make kink unique, most humans I have met dare not tread on paths we walk not because they wouldn't enjoy it of course not they are as human as anyone. It's there own shackles to the past n shame that refuses freedom.
I used to tell people I'd try almost anything once. Just to see if I liked it or didn't before I had an opinion. However in retrospect that seems totally untrue. I had many limits such as don't leave a scar or expect me to do waste elimination on you or the reverse.
But thats not all that was a hard limit since I never really been with a guy.
I always claimed to be bisexual but never acted on it. Yet currently my body is encouraging me to explore men, I was am for the first time perhaps ever truly conflicted.
I have deeply considered this for over 2-3 years, as someone sexually abused by men and had enriching experiences with women I thought I could just bury this question. So I never needed to change.
However this act has damaged my relationships with women as I have had nearly no interest in women as of late. This question takes up the majority of fantasies n attention. I have a suspicion that depriving this desire within me pretty much since 13, 20+ years caused it to grow beyond my willpower.
It is why I have been so depressed as of late seeing the most obvious path forward to embrace this other aspect of myself.
I know plenty of lesbains with kids, or who had experienced types of intimacy with men I never explored. So I have a gold ⭐ star in the eyes of some for my efforts and it has taken effort. Yet what did i receive in return. At this moment it seems like nothing but unanswered questions about myself n misery.
I can no longer deal with the nagging curiosity. I am tried of this needless fight against my own desires. If women who might be future partners are upset I had to so this for me then they weren't meant for me.
If I end up with a preference for men after I experiment; might not have been what I originally wanted or predicted for myself, but its not my job to hate or judge myself. Enough other people already don't like me, I have to be my advocate in all things including n especially change that I'm fearful of.
I close thanking all of you who helped big n small to put my mind at ease as I continue on my journey of self discovery n empowerment.