I had tried to think of a way to express these thoughts multiple times. I grew up in an American society that gave me all the messages I was wrong even my family expected and encouraged me to be masculine or transition from a female.
So much of how we try to understand people is based on stereotypes. I loved martial arts tree climbing rock climbing building computers programing hanging with males well isn't it obvious we got ourselves a young man in the wrong body.
These sorts of messages at such a critical age made me myself think yeah I must not be female look at other females while they are worried about sleepovers when they can gossip or wear make up I'm gonna be going over my friends where we are going to try and fix up a gokart so we can race around his property.
Our society does have a word for females like me a tomboy yet because of the messages i kept getting from my family and other people Intereacted with I felt it went deeper I mean I was simply too cool n bad ass to be a female.
I remember the first time i rode a motorcycle lane splitting doing nearly 115 miles an hour through New York City traffic swimming through gracefully like a dolphin on waves. I did think to myself the only good part of being a female is this motorcycle vibrating me as i drive my hips into it and continue racing for the highest adrenaline spike I could mainline.
Reflection that stereotypes caused me to inadvertently denigrate myself, to vilify the feminine aspects n desires I did display as an aberration of who I am.
To see those qualities as if they were dangerous n somehow would taint me and cause me to become some fucking gross stepford wife with little more personality then a doormat.
I regret I felt I had no one to guide me or talk to that I can be am alpha tomboy, while also perfectly comfortable being a woman. I always loved bond girls the sexy cool take no shit attitude many intelligent talented and willing to go on a dangerous adventure.
I guess I felt boxed into only one way to be. I love my femininity and am glad I'm on the team that could probably use a little more bad girls like me.