I have had an insane life, in part because of the worlds misunderstanding of intersex conditions. I am publicly outting myself even on a place of fantasy and fun because I am tired of feeling like I have to be or should be ashamed.
I have two rare conditions I have CAIS and persistent mullerian ducts. Long story short everyone who knows that XY equals boy and XX = girl. Oh they are right in 89,999 cases of male births, but that one in 90,000 the Y chromosome fails and you have a child that develops as a normal cis female.
I for intersex awareness day, October, 26th I am going to do a presentation to my health class. I don't have to but I know that the misunderstanding around intersex needs to end so visibility is important.
Intersex isn't like other things that often get lumped into with the LGBTIQQAA+ community. There's over 40 different intersex conditions not simple like gay - means men who like men. This is why many intersex advocates think intersex shouldn't be in the community at all, especially individuals who like me have typical bodies.
Here's an experts most recent report on people with my condition, and the way they worded it just brought me to tears for hours.
"People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female.
When an egg is fertilised, the sperm determines the gender of the child, so this is already decided by the time we start growing in the womb. All babies are by default female.
CAIS is an interruption in the growing process when the foetus would ordinarily be changing from the default girl into a boy. What you end up with in CAIS, for all intents and purposes, is a woman.
Women who have 46, XY chromosomes are almost always heterosexual with female gender identity. "
let's go through some key points. CAIS genetically male. That's correct I have a Y chromosome and yet, it doesn't function so its like why is it even there!
In every other way they are female. I used to freak out because all though my life I had moment after moment rubbed in my face-- I'm just another woman.
Periods, the same bone density and structure, the same organ placement, a god damn uterus. Shit the most recent moment I went to a store for running shoes and they did a foot 3 D scanner to try and find my best fit for my height weight pressure yadda yadda.
I ended up within 1% variance for a woman of my size and height but would have to go to a shoe 28% smaller then a mans average for my body. My feet which I always felt were kinda big for a 5'8" athletic woman is on average smaller then the typical woman of my height. Why moments like this always make me cry 😭 I have no idea but I'm tried of getting triggered by the obvious I have a normal female body.
All through my life the fact I'm AFAB has just slapped me in the face. It is silly, why do I get so worked up over a chromosome that doesn't function. Physically I'm female and I love being female I need to stop making it weird.
All babies are by default females-- is a part of what's known as developmental science. The fact is it's the androgen testosterone that causes the fetus to start masculinization. Without it you get me, or any other female child.
Because of society and my own bias there was a time when I was like damn I wish I could be male. Yet unlike other cis women who can transition and to an extent appear male with treatments. CAIS women lack the capacity. Another way to think of it is at the moment when the CAIS woman was most primed to develop masculine qualities the body lacked the capacity.
The door to masculinity is closed so CAIS women we are locked into extremely feminine bodies, infact it's known that many are models because of this fact.
A CAIS woman could take more hormones then a linebacker and it would just actually make us more feminine because the body can't process testosterone. Yet testosterone breaks down into estrogen thus you just actually gave the CAIS woman more estrogen.
In the normal female population there is an occurrence of 10-15 percentage homosexuality. There have been many studies as to why this occurs and some of the research has pointed to testosterone either being higher or a person's body being more receptive to it.
The way they studied this in XX women is by looking at CAIS women who are over 99% heterosexual and comparing the two to see whats different.
I have felt so uncomfortable fessing up to being a typical female.
Yet as I have grown and listened to my body it's broken me down to literally get on me knees and pray for strength.
I am by nature extremely feminine and I do find both men and women attractive. Yet I need masculine energy in my life. The more someone can tare me up and leave my pussy aching that's what I want.
I have been working on acceptance my entier life. Finally once and for all I accept my body and my desires are feminine. I can't change what I am and although I may not be heterosexual persay any female I'm with better be able to bring it hard I am not interested in feminine women. I find men and extremely butch women attractive.
Thanks for reading