I honestly wish my family simply waited. When I was born I was put in an orphanage not because I was the product of a rape to a young mother that would almost seem reasonable.
But because I was born a female yet I had enough ambiguity of my genitals that my family and doctors had enough to discuss. My mom decided to keep me but She wanted a male child and they obliged. I was cut on and made to appear male sure it didn't function couldn't pee standing up and I had no testicles but it was good enough for my mother to pretend she had a son.
The beatings from her my father and grandma were enough to make me in general stop questioning but I knew something was wrong. My mom's go to was always I'm male on the outside and female on the inside.
When I found out though I was at female at birth and what they did everything finally clicked it made sense to me oh it was a great big unbelievably horrible misunderstanding.
Sadly my family didn't approve of me being healthy they tried to argue pretending to be a male even if I couldn't have sexual pleasure or really pass for one was still better then publicly living as a woman I disagreed and on that day lost my family to be myself.
I'm physically female in every way yet I still feel somehow uncomfortable when my body has perfectly natural desires. My body freaks me out with just how much a human could want to be fucked.
Right now a combination of my cycle reaching the ovulation point and my loneliness I'd do anything for a butch female or even a guy to fuck me senseless.
I tried my hardest my entire life to resist my own natural feelings and desires but the longer I do the more akin it feels to trying deprive a fish from water.
The longing mixed with raw pleading for having the feeling of being absorbed and filled with someones love force.
I often only feel like this a few days a month but even so that ads to roughly 50 days a year i need and want sex so bad it leaves me in tears and makes me feel worthless for both not having the courage to pursue what I want and the stubbornness not to adapt to these legitimate aspects of my personality.
Friends who know me sometimes worry about my self inflicted celibacy. Many people have offered to take care of my need but the idea of a friend even a good one after trying it once proves that idea too risky.
It was so much easier when it was just for fun and casual but I'm at an age now where meaningless sex lost its thrill. I want to be loved by someone adored and to do that to happen means i'll have to get comfortable with my inner bitch and entertain the notion that someone can love me for me.
Sure I might only feel like this but a few days here or there but when I do the lack of union is tantamount to abuse.
