Each year I try to set goals for myself priorities. In years past it was finish school strong or have less needless arguments.
This year I thought it was going to be continue my fitness goal but I know that's gonna happen i been at it hard for 4 months not about to stop.
Then i realized it, I had been so blind my whole life because I had never respected it before but I wanna better accept my female innate nature.
To sum it up simply I often use my mind to subjugate my female thoughts.
To see how it plays out here is a real life example. About a year ago now i was working with Marquita we had been given a dangerous psychology Patient to transport him to long term mental health facility.
We needed to be escorted to the patient and while we were waiting to be buzzed into the ward the male cop who had been our "protection" starts checking out my tush. I can feel his eyes looking me up and down even though I'm pretending not to notice.
He then gets right behind me almost so I can feel his breath on me and hes like you got a great ass.
I turn on an almost swivel and look him dead in the eye and am like this is work, your so unprofessional how are you even employed would you like me to make a report of this.
He was flustered and almost shot back and was like damn didn't know you were such a bitch sorry I tried to give you a complement.
Then later after the call Marquita was like what the hell was that all about? I was like I have no idea what you mean?
Thinking she was talking about what ended up being a simi routine call moving a drugged handcuffed person from one hospital to another.
Shes like that cop came up to me later asked me to apologize and for permission to have your number he liked you.
I was like its work Marquita were not paid to hit on men or be hit on we have a job to do and I do my job exceedingly well.
Shes like damnit Anya you're a woman! They hired a fuckin woman, they expect you at times to you know find men attractive and at least not be a rude cunt about it.
I was like I didn't find him attractive so please.
Shes like oh really and then starts describing him in painstakingly sexy excruciating details. Until I said fine maybe he was a little attractive.
Shes like see right there right ficking there! Why couldn't you handle it like that if you didn't want to date him. Be like thank you for the attention but I'm not looking at the moment.
You need to chill out and just be more comfortable and calm about things.
I then admitted to her I was sexually abused and just didn't really feel comfortable with men or even women for that matter who find me attractive.
Shes like well that's not a random person's fault you should know that's your bullshit and do a better job of not making it other people's bullshit.
Even though it would seem like we had a nice bonding moment my response was almost typical Anya, if I saw we were scheduled to be on the same unit I would request a transfer or ask for someone to swap with me if I couldn't get it.
She found out and confronted me about avoiding her and I said look I thought it was very inappropriate the way you called me out on things I am working to help people not be armchair psychoanalyzed by someone.
Shes like part of the job is were all on the same team I saw how uncomfortable you were in your own skin and wanted to see what was wrong with my partner and see if I could help you why are you being such a fucking bitch right now?
Because that's the way I am Marquita I'm a fucking bitch and you got to see that so be glad you don't have to work with me again.
Was there a better way to handle that entire situation in retrospect yeah for fucking sure.
Also the fact I find some men and women attractive isn't a bad thing its healthy and I really need to work on how I interact with people I do feel attraction towards since often I am meanest to them in an attempt to push them away because I'm afraid of intimacy.
I've known beyond a shadow of a doubt I been female since I was ten and was in treatment from 13-now to correct what my parents originally tried to force on me.
By all accounts I'm a perfectly healthy female, yet the psychology of them encouraging me to be male and being disappointed when my body didn't respond it just made me feel a let down as well in being a biological female.
Almost like I was trapped as a female because of an odd health condition rather then blessed with getting to have this life and it's opportunities.
