When I was young like 17-23 I used to go to places like this but I had a very express goal be a sadistic dom and take my anger and agression at life out on people who for some reason enjoyed it.
I have very little masochistic tendencies a little spank here or there some scratches or the occasional grab but I know I'd never consent to the level of force people used to welcome me inflicting.
I said in many blogs and it bares on this moment my family abused me so bad I'm an orphan with no family by choice. It's understandable that Id be a tad pissed at the world.
Throw in them hating me over being a daughter well it kinda put in my head that being female is bad and thus I guess even though biological I'm female I wanted to dom harder then any man ever possibly could because I had something to prove.
Yet the farther from the abuse and the more comfort and acceptance of my nature and true feelings not some psychological construction or need to prove myself.
I have mellowed out a ton in these last 14 years. I don't have a need or desire to inflict pain on anyone what I have is a desire to please people and for those who like pain id be happy to oblige.
Yet the new wrinkle that I have wrote about often I myself am curious about bottoming I use bottom because I think people get confused I don't won't couldn't do a "sub" lifestyle thing.
I am way to naturally dominant and live an alpha life EMT three degrees Search and Rescue martial artist of 30 years I once kicked a guy so hard in the chest his knee broke does that sound like a sub to you?
Yet I'd love someone to chain me bent over and spread flog me a little till my ass is as pink as my pussy masturbate me abit and then well if they feel like it fuck me while pulling my hair and talking a little dirty to me.
That right there is as much a truth to me as my dom side the only difference is I never explored it and I am afraid of it.
I am afraid I will like being a bottom that I will want it more that I might even like it better then being a dom/top. That if I like it enough it might mess up my dom/ top vibes. Right now it's only been a fantasy so it has only existed as an ideal but how will it play out as a real relationship as a real dynamic.
I spent almost my entier life trying to repress the fact I have female desires: I dress Androgenous, I intentionally lower my voice as much as I can comfortably talk, I wear binders to minimize my breasts, and If anyone so much as tries to touch me it usually is met with an intimidating interaction.
I don't know its taken so much energy to project this persona I created, and its a part of me but it is by no means all of me.
In response to others who helped me pick an outfit - since no one directly told me what to ware, I i have decided that I will simply wear my gym clothing because if I don't have fun at least I am ready to go to the near by planet fitness and get a work out in.
Will it look unusual me in some runner's leggings and a high compression top that pretty much makes my F cups look like c's and almost unmovable. Yeah but I think I'll play it off as a conversation starter if anyone asks be like yeah I asked for advice on a BDSM website and well they all said stuff you like that you feel sexy in and since theres nothing I know of i figured well might as well just wear whatever the fuck id normally wear and adjust accordingly next time.