For those who don't know I'm a At Female At Birth intersex person, recently a friend of mine who came to live with me in my home to find a safe place to transition. He either OD or committed sucide within the last few day where I currently sit soaked in tears. I not only found his body as an EMT they made conduct an examination of his body to not send valuable emergency resources if he was already dead.
This is the last letter I wrote to him, I am sharing it for all of you to see in honor of him. Remember if you know an intersex trans or nonbinary person in your life love and support them it's a challenging experience some don't make it.
Did anything I do matter
Prince, you came to me wounded and with a heavy problem
We both were kin in so many ways
Rape, domestic abuse, difficult childhood, gender-related trauma
You always admired how strong I was, how I seemed to get through it all
You would often tell me if you had 10% of my strength you could do anything
Well, you did have 100% of my love and friendship
Do you think I would ask just anybody to come and live with me
I saw you needed help and I wanted to cheer you on
Hell, I often would be needed to just hug you while you cried
I often had to hear of your pain and confusion for being you
I tried to encourage you that everything was gonna be ok
That all you gotta do is make it a few more days and the clouds would break
Yet I knew it had gotten bad a couple of weeks ago when you pushed me away
Someone you once clung to as a life preserver
You told me I was smothering
“Anya, you’re like a puppy – your energy and love is too much, just calm down”
“I’m a cat, you need to give me space while I figure this next part out”
“I’ll come to you eventually”
I know how so many people violated your wishes
So I said if you don’t want me to be your friend or like how it’s going
Whatever you need, if you need, so be it
You said no, I want to still be friends – just right now
I need time and space and I need you to accept that
I listened to your request, every fiber in my heart wanted to comfort you
I knew I needed to trust that you knew what you needed from me
Yet I write this now as you, Prince, have left this Earth
You might have overdosed or committed suicide in my home last Tuesday
I tried so hard to save you, someone who seemed so down on life and themselves
Did anything I do matter,
Why did you come to live here with me; you knew I wanted to help you achieve your desires
I gave you a safe supportive place, a place you could call home
You had told me you readjusted to here and you loved having me and Sitka around
Then you leave this world in the very room you told me you found peace
Without even a whisper to me – how could you not call out for help
I am an EMT, god damn it!
I am supposed to save people, not bury them
Your family wants to believe it was health-related
Yet I’m the one that had to first examine your body – there are reasons to think otherwise
Yet I didn’t do an autopsy, it could have been natural
IF THAT IS SO
Why didn’t you call out to me, I was not even 15 seconds away
I would have thrown you to the ground and been your beating heart as long as it took
I was right here, I could have saved you, gotten you to a hospital
WHY DIE WHEN YOU CAN FIGHT TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS A REALTIY
In the end, did my attempts to save you these past few months even matter
What did it mean
what does any of this mean
That I’m a fucking failure, another loved one I disappointed by being me
That even when someone comes to me for help
All I can do is stand by helpless, unable to avert destiny
I pray for only one thing, the strength to keep trying
This blow has crippled me, Prince
I used to believe I could save people, what a fool I was
I’d have done anything for you, you knew that
Why were you always so shy about asking me for help
I always readily offered it to you
Is it because of that one time when you offered me comfort when I was crying
I said no, Prince, not as a rejection, I just felt you have far too many troubles
You need not worry about me, Prince, I don’t know how to lay down
Now here I am almost every day crying over losing you, friend
The greatest comfort was just knowing I was helping you, didn’t you see that
You chose me to be your safe place, to seek peace
I hope you found it – by the look on your face it seems you did
If you could ask to comfort me again, I would humbly take that hug now
I guess we will puta pin in it for all eternity