I am going to my friend’s wake tonight. I don’t know if I ever told you all about what shattered my world so much that I self-harmed.
I was roughly 16. I was seeing doctors – can’t remember how many it was, but I finally got a specialist who could help me with my unusual problem.
They conducted their examination, looked at the blood work, the reports, and they said, “Anya, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it needs to be said.” I said, “Ok, what’s going on?” “You’re a female.” I was like, “Yeah, I know that. What else?”
“Aww, honey, do you know men don’t normally have monthly cycles?” I was like, “Yeah, but people have oddities all the time.” “Yeah, but you’re that way because internally you’re a normal female.” I was like, “Wait, what?”
She was like, “I know it’s a lot. Yeah, internally you’re a woman. It’s rare, but it happens, and seeing how your family treated you, doesn’t it make sense now, everything that happened?”
I was like, “Wait, so everything has been a lie ...” They were like, “Not a lie so much as they were doing what they thought was best for you. But with your situation we probably should correct this so things can function normally.”
When I got home, I immediately called my mother and screamed at her over the phone with perhaps the most primal scream I ever let out. “Male on the outside, female on the inside? That wasn’t a fucking metaphor for how sensitive and kindhearted I am.” She said, “No, it was the age-appropriate way to try and explain the situation, and to be frank, I had hoped it would be enough and we wouldn’t get to this point.”
I said, “How could you lie to me, beat me, treat me like shit all these years when you knew what was wrong with me, and I just needed love and support?” She said, “How do you think I felt? I wanted what’s best for you, and you just refused to listen to me. You’re the one who gave up on me, not the other way around.”
The unbelievable callous nature of the exchange, the fact was I knew at that moment she’d never see. I hung up on her, and I immediately reflected on my life – without any real support or friends, nonexistent family. At the time, I said to myself, “Well, there’s no way I can handle this,” and I tried to punch my ticket.
I self-harmed enough to send me to the hospital. Luckily, I lived.
Still to this day, I get anxious around having periods. I guess it ties back to that day and some of the panic I felt finding out that I was AFAB and that my family tried to lie and suppress it.
What’s funny – the same situation kinda echoed this very last summer. One of the issues on my medical charts said unusual vaginal or uterine bleeding. My primary was like, “Anya, why is that even on there?” Yet this time, unlike at 16, I am an expert at intersex conditions and know mine backwards and forwards.
“Oh, that’s easy. You see, since I have Complete Androgen Insensitivity, most people with the condition don’t have any uterus, it just ends in a blind pouch. The issue in my case is I also have Persistent Mullerian ducts, which need a hormone during birth to cause them to recede.” In fact, Persistent Mullerian ducts can exist without someone being CAIS.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Anya, I know this is going to be hard for you again, so let me phrase this very carefully – what is unusual about people with uterus having periods?”
I looked at her confused, like I didn’t have an answer, as if my brain just froze.
She then went on to say, “It’s perfectly normal for girls and young women to have periods. It’s not a health condition; it shouldn’t be on your chart as a problem.”
I was like, “But the fact is I’m rare.”
“Honey, you ain’t rare. You’re typical for a female, and having that in there makes people concerned something abnormal is going on. Look, if you need therapy or what, let me know. I can refer you, but I’m taking it off, and you gotta get it through your head one day – there’s nothing abnormal about being a woman. I don’t care what your family made you feel about yourself.”
I get goosebumps writing about this, and I can’t help but fidget uncontrollably. It has been a long journey learning to accept myself and grow into the woman I always had the potential to be.
Admitting my struggles openly has been a part of the process. I am not ashamed that this is my life and the path I took to accept my body and myself. There are those who say if you would just shut up and not talk about it, you’d live in peace and you’d never have to have an uncomfortable conversation again.
That might be true, but many intersex people say the I stands for invisible. I know part of the reason I thought my life was over and I needed to snuff it out was what role model did I have, what icon? Can you name one?
I am not saying I am anywhere near my full potential, but there is a saying “be the change you wanna see in the world.” I wanna live in a world where intersex people feel comfortable talking about their bodies and unique experiences, where the stigma, shame, and pain are replaced by hope, love, community, and kindness.
Yet that can only happen if people are willing to share their journey, to peacefully educate, to provide the cover for the next generation to have it a little easier, so that they may have less pain and indignity than mine.
I am Anya Kylie, proudly intersex, At Female At Birth, and I believe all the challenges I faced were meaningful because they prepared me to take on anything.
Tonight, I go to the wake of my friend who wasn’t as lucky as me. It will be devastating, but I know I need to be there to provide my strength for others. Prince always said, “Anya, if I had 10% of your strength, I could do anything.” Prince’s family and other friends are going to need me and my strength tonight, so I shall be there for them.
Love you all.
