As an individual with an intersex condition, moderator of various LGBTIQ groups, and someone who has spoken to many confused intersex individuals, families and allies, I get a similar question over and over: What does it mean now that I am diagnosed with an intersex condition? Or, from the ally stance, what can I do to better understand and support someone who is intersex?
Just today a better answer came to me, and it additionally is advice to those who often write the insensitive question, how should I write an intersex character, or I have an idea for an intersex character, can you help me with it?
This insight came from me watching a YouTube video pointing out that the character Toph (blind earth bender) from “Avatar: The Last Airbender” was based on a real person.
( https://www.youtube.com/shorts/cFUcwbABhok)
It got me thinking in a whole new way to explain what it is like being intersex. The following is what changed about me the day I found out I was intersex: absolutely nothing! I am a real person, my hopes and dreams were exactly the same – wanting a family to love me finally, wanting to understand myself, wanting to have quality healthcare so that my issues could be dealt with. Oh, I was scared and afraid – not because of the condition, but because of how my family, society, and some medical professionals made me feel.
With my condition (Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), my body, brain and hormonal development is like any other female’s. I know not every intersex condition is so lucky, and even within androgen insensitivity, not everyone’s bodies has taken to it as well as mine. I am lucky that I can run marathons and perform spinning 360 jump kicks with enough force to break a target as thick as a 2x4.
Yet behind my eyes of steel resolve, there is hurt, not because of a diagnosis but because of a rejection of my humanity. My family didn’t want me; ignorant that someone with XY chromosomes can grow up to be a biological female, they rejected me. Yet they weren’t the only ones. My first girlfriend, when I tried to be intimate with her, was very upset because she didn’t want to be with a man and claimed I tricked her because I wasn’t a “real woman” in her opinion.
The reason why people can’t understand what it’s like to be intersex, or how to write intersex characters is because, unlike with the design of Toph, where her blindness didn’t define her, so many attempts to understand intersex do not see that when you meet an intersex person, you have met only one intersex person. We are real individuals, with complicated emotions, families and circumstances, making the intersex aspect of us an afterthought. My condition doesn’t and didn’t ever define me. My lack of love, supportive people, or people who cared about me is what caused the struggles I have faced in my life because of my intersex condition.
I know being in my 30s, nearly 20 years removed from puberty, it will be different for this next generation, but that doesn’t mean some of the same themes won’t play out. Here is my advice to young or confused intersex people:
First – Breathe, nothing has ever changed about you. The only thing that has happened is you better understand yourself.
Second – Relax. Most intersex conditions are harmless, and for the ones that have health considerations, it may take time, but if you get qualified medical care, it can be managed. The majority of intersex conditions do not shorten life expectancy.
Third – Trust. It’s hard trusting others, when so many will stigmatize you, or mock you, making you feel insecure. Trusting medical professionals is required, even though they will often fall short and say or do disrespectful things. Find medical professionals who care, and trust that things will get better, even when year after year it seems like the world only gets worse for people like us. Trust builds hope, and to keep striving for the day when you find people who accept you better is worth fighting for.
Fourth – No Shame. No one is born hating themselves; it is impossible. You love yourself, but that spirit was broken by many people who fed you a lifetime of lies and pain, which twisted your self-image. No one is an island, yet finding self-love, self-respect and showcasing who you are to the world is worthy.
Fifth – No Judgement. I don’t have to talk about my condition; I choose to. When I was young, I didn’t know where to turn. No one I knew had any condition like me or could even relate to me, so I was alone in the world. But then the power of the internet and concerned online intersex people saved me by simply talking to me and helping me to realize being intersex is natural. Now, as many of them have grown older and started to retire from advocacy, I have picked up the mantle to keep a light on for the next generation of hurting youth. The innate nature of intersex means there will always be another generation. We have existed as long as humanity, and thus the work of improving our lives, of being a symbol for and mentoring the next generation, will always be needed.
If you can’t do this yourself, that’s ok. Love yourself and follow my advice; there is no right or wrong way to be who you are. I love you all the same for staying true to your heart. Not everyone is a healer-educator. I don’t do this for you, though; I am doing it because without being an advocate, my life wouldn’t feel complete. I am obsessed with making the world a better place, not because I believe it ever will be – but when I was young, I prayed for a hero that never came to me. So I became the person that I prayed for. I became who I believed the world needed; I am the change I wanted to see in the world and its people.
Holidays are a hard time for many in the LGBTIQQA+ community, me included. I will never have a day when I go over my parents, to a warm fire, presents and stories of past joy. What I have instead is the added conviction to improve the world, so other intersex children get spared the pain and loneliness that has filled my life.
In short, I love Toph, not because she is a character who overcame a disability, or because being intersex is a disability, but because she’s a fully realized person who is strong, capable, intelligent, and caring, who we the audience and the characters in the world often forget to see as blind.
As an intersex person, I don’t live my life everyday thinking about my condition or situation; that would be insane. A typical day: I get up, have breakfast, shower and brush my teeth, walk my dog, then go to university to study, go to the gym, go to taekwondo practice, and then sometimes work at night, and get up to do it all over again. Where in my everyday life does being intersex matter? Why should it have ever mattered to anyone?
Yet it does because we live in a world of: stigma, bigotry, hatred, and shame. I have no biological family, countless friends have left me, and I suffer often for speaking the truth, knowing fully well if I shut my mouth and chose to be invisible, I’d have an easier life. I would be seen as just another tall, intelligent, attractive, white girl. Yet to do that, I wouldn’t help anyone. Furthermore, that act would exact a price on my soul I couldn’t live with. It is my duty to live in the light to cast out darkness.
I hope this helps you understand what goes on in the mind and life of a real intersex person, and that if you or anyone you know is intersex, it’s ok – just: breathe, relax, trust, no shame, no judgement, be yourself, the same person you always were.
Be like Toph. She isn’t the sum of her condition; hell, it’s easy to forget she is blind because with what she does, her disability doesn’t define her. Toph is herself – and amazing for that. As Intersex people, all of us can be ourselves, no matter what others think or try to force upon us, and that is amazing.
How to write a disabled character, a video featuring Toph:
Times characters forgot that Toph is blind:
