I decided to say fuck it I am going to stop policing myself and start being myself. The goal was to get to know my unfiltered self better and hopefully gain the strength and confidence of who I really am.
I ended up losing over 60 pounds because of a focus on physical health with a goal of getting back in shape to be a competitive martial artist. That was an easy priority since I love martial arts been doing it since 7.
Then I had rejoined a BDSM club because I am kinky my life has been intense as shit thus for me if it ain't deep bordering on too much why bother?
While going to the clube made a few friends and am learning new skills such as knife play, rope play, cupping, and fire doming. It was a harsh reality for me when I had only said in theory before I was a switch because some of my fantasies had me bottoming to having someone tie me up suspend me in rope and I went catatonic temporarily my first time up.
I now am a fully committed rope bunny. Funny side note for an upcoming Disney night I am actually gonna dress up as the rabbit judy hopps ( a little on the nose? )
Also I have developed a near obsession with dragging sharp blades across my body. When I was younger I used to be a cutter like many goth emo females. Knife play gives me a similar reliable release of feeling alive without all the blood.
Taking a blade pressing it to your flesh and feeling it makr a fine cut or scraping a layer of skin off while feeling your muscles move underneath is just fuckin so sweet. Writing about it makes me wanna start dragging blades across me --Yummies!
One person while he was using a large sword on me had daggers at my throat so I had to stay still or get tiny pricks that constricted me in ways that I been practically pleeding with him to do again! He says it's part of a larger scene but we have yet to have the time -- sigh he likes to say always leave em wanting more. But feed my desire dude what do I gotta do get down on my knees and beg arg! How should I feel when I been anticipating something for weeks yet haven't felt completion!
When you have daggers at your throat the forced control of all your muscles, the inability to gasp laugh or even talk much, was the most intense bondage I have faced. Yet it was all self imposed at any time i coulda stopped but who the fuck would ever want to when it feels so great?
Another friend was wax playing and scraped if off with a live straight razor at my request -- he normally used a dull one but fuck that I need the luster of a live blade.
Is knife play edge play I guess? but to be taken to the edge of what my body can stand gets me to feel the most alive, in a world where I'm often so bored I feel everyday life makes me a tired zombie.
What's real life? Waiting on hold with a company for 30 minutes to get them to take your call, standing in line at the grocery store for 10 minutes to buy cereal, or maybe a self checkout, or how about going to work having to sit in bumper to bumper traffic for damn near a half an hour.
Yeah everyday life is total shit, people who enjoy the daily grind can keep there smug smiles to themselves they are insipid drones who's spirit been grinded to dust and they can just shut the fuck up with their attitude.
Now these changes in me have all been positive. However a new issue has arrived on the scene of my life and it has been confusing as hell. I have been as open as any human can be that I have a rare intersex condition that made my biology develop female. As I have talked about this I have had people on this and other forms ask if I am male or had male parts which is so unbelievably stupid look up complete androgen insensitivity syndrome and read for five seconds since apparently me talking about it doesn't get peoples attention furthermore I also have persistent mullerian ducts.
The end result is I not only am a perfectly healthy female I literally couldn't transition or respond to gender treatment If I wanted. My body ignores Testosterone and since T naturally breaks down into estrogen, if someone was to perscibe testosterone for me it would simply raise the level of estrogen in my blood stream.
Yet due to the way I was treated growing up like an abnormal freak even though my body responded as it should was traumatic. Those memories still play out in me now as I have grown to be more intune with myself I have realized like most women I want and think about sex several times and day.
This admitted desire for sexual contact is something I never addressed before due to my own discomfort with my body. I am not sure how to respond. My own goal is asking for a huge change.
I didn't account for the delirium of a full admission and acceptance of my body and its desires. I had hoped by giving into BDSM pleasures and just being more social would address some of what I desire and make me happier.
My body is not amused, it doesn't want excuses. I feel tired of my own thoughts getting in the way of what I want.
This conflict is now at the center at a battle for my very soul. I am not really comfortable being intimate with people yet my savage sexuality doesn't give a shit. I have repressed myself for so long my body is making me unbelievably frustrated to the point of tears at times. I had no idea I had this kind of sexual potential inside me. I have been celibate for nearly 7 years and sex had never seemed to be a big priority to me before, but my body is tired of my bullshit and feeling sexual agaony is real.
I scream into the void-- "Why has my life led me to such a fucked up place!"
