Shamelessly Intersex!
We live in a time and place, where every passing hour being intersex is ever more looked at as a crime. My breathing of air is enough for the judgment of many, a jury of my peers currently votes and supports an agenda that aims forth to summon a governmental execution - to befall me and any like me. I have a condition known as XY sex reversal syndrome, which triggered complete androgen insensitivity, and persistent Mullerian ducts. In short, I’m a biological / sex / phenotypical female due to mutations there is nothing male about me.
What has this birth condition cost me? First, not a single cheerful moment from my childhood. My family was unable to wrap their head around an XY female thus they treated me with vile bigotry from birth. The playfulness you see within the sparkle of my eyes is the outburst of a repressed body finally getting a taste of joy. The beatings for not being like other children. My mother looked at me as a curse that befallen her, and her family blamed her drug habits as the cause. It was simply her manner to escape the horrors of her existence. In reality, my birth was a numbers game 1 in 540,000 live births end up like me so I was inevitable as the sun rises in the sky.
Yet to ask these anxious questions about humanity and my existence out loud I often would see pitchforks emerge. So-called friends fall away like dead leaves abandoning me with a betrayal only feeling remaining a frosty cold that bites into the soul. It is why celebrating self-acceptance and this new phase of my life is tremendously important.
Not that long ago, I had to post about some medically challenging news my hormones had to be augmented in such a way as my body reached a proper equilibrium. Currently having the sex and developmental basis of any other cis woman I want sexual contact with penetration, I regained regular cycles with even more intense hormonal shifts in mood, and that’s not even getting into the fact I was informed that I am going to need to continue this treatment the rest of my life or else my body would fail me as it had been. The changes I found so fatiguing and strenuous to adapt to are considered a natural state of womanhood.
Complaints to the medical establishment got met with mockery. The doctors see it as a triumph, getting my body to behave characteristically by its developmental nature my feelings and insecurities in my body be damned.
To be given the choice to watch my body break or develop an understanding of my body responding as a more biochemically active female was shocking. I had to reflect that maybe life just wasn’t meant for an abomination like me. If you wonder why I use those words it’s the same my parents and church used throughout my childhood. I always was told I was the child not even a mother could love and if she could have one wish fulfilled it would be never to carry me to term.
Yet just allowing myself to exist long enough I gave my mind time to adapt. Yet that alone wouldn’t have been enough. There is a saying you are nobody till somebody loves you. Finally having someone love and appreciate my body even with all its eccentricities helped me to experiment with it in ways I never thought possible strange virginal delights experienced joyfully. Who woulda thought someone with a body built to be penetrated vaginally can savor it more than breathing, sharing such a defining moment with a skilled competent lover made me feel safe enough to be vulnerable it changed my life. She offered me more than a passing passion but a resurrection of identity.
I now reflect with a bit more anger on the past. I was born in a female body yet if only society didn’t make me hate myself for so long I could have adapted earlier, rather than feel resigned as if a death sentence befell me. Adaptation and celebrating myself are healthier ways to be, I wish I had these feelings much sooner. It’s not like I ever had an option anyway. I am glad I finally got here on this journey, I am forever grateful to Tavi for helping me resolve the puzzle of accepting my body. It is complicated for me to fully know the future since the past has dissolved in many ways, I shall not toil on such thoughts.
I am full of resolve to continue on a path of growth and curiosity, if things about me can change that I never thought possible what’s next -- is anyone’s guess.
