An upsetting and exciting situation in my life
I am still working on 2-3 very long letters explaining What I have been going through. Even when they are done, a larger question comes how much of them do I even care to share with the general public since they are pretty personal.
Due to some people being concerned about me, I should say something. This is that summary.
Having no "real" biological family made me generally someone who wants to believe I can have a chosen family of people I trust. Still, sometimes I get it wrong in whom I trust. I am only human and can make mistakes.
I currently live with someone I have known for nearly 20 years, and, at one point in my life, he was the most important person since he met me when I was extremely depressed and suicidal. His support at a critical time helped get me back on my feet. However, even though I am grateful to him and it has been clear, we haven't been in a relationship, stated by his admission, for at least five years; I guess he had some idea that I might come around one day. Since that never happened because I am not interested in men has been an issue. My now having a girlfriend hit him hard since he can tell how much I love her and it is different than the love I have shown him.
Because of dating T, he has gone from troublesome at times but overall a neutral force in my life to a vindictive, abusive psycho that makes even having a conversation seem difficult. If he were any other person, I probably would have already told him 100% to go fuck himself. It's hard to walk away and not try to fix it since he historically meant so much to me.
However, he verbally, emotionally, and biologically attacked me almost daily once he learned I was dating someone in a serious manner. The level of outright disgust and cruel words he uses are beyond compare. The biological attack is that even though I had asked him to please be more considerate of covid, since I was now around a person concerned and didn't want to make her sick. Well, he got even laxer and intentionally coughing and sneezing without so much as covering his mouth to disrespect me intentionally. By the way, the house he lives in, by his admission, I am 80% responsible, and I had given him pretty much my entire life savings a down payment for which he has paid me back not a cent over ten grand. Ron ended up contracting covid either by intent or stupidity and spreading it throughout the house; he even got me infected.
Great job ass.
This action has caused me not to be able to see my girlfriend, I had to miss the final week of school for some of my half-semester classes, making it difficult in some of my classes, and my grades might be in jeopardy; I was also supposed to start working on the 20th for an externship at Mercy hospital and now got pushed back till the 27th. When I asked him to apologize for his actions that had caused this disruption, he claimed it was all my fault; I made him angry, vindictive, and jealous, even me asking him to be more careful in regards to covid because T is my fault because of course it was gonna make him not do it I apparently forced him to be less reasonable. After all, I shouldn't have mentioned her, which made him wanna do it less. No matter what I do or say it would seem I am unable to reach him now.
It hurts so much that the first person I have been intimate with in over eight years has perhaps caused the end of Ron in my life by his design. Instead of being happy for me and supportive, he has gotten volatile, mean, and nasty. Even two nights ago, I had to remove my vital documents and two of my most essential things. I can no longer trust that he will not be worse in our state of falling out. I refuse to have my birth certificate and the rest held hostage; this is the level of our relationship.
Now you might be like, well, at least you did it for following your heart, that might be so, but I think part of the reason why this is so hard for Ron to understand is I don't usually do that. My name is icegirl on these platforms for a reason I do not make the emotional decision but the cold logical one. I haven't ever been allowed to live in the moment I was always one bad day from the streets. I lived independently since I was 16 because I had to sue my parents for custody since they refused to give me treatments for my intersex condition. I was so ill at the time that people would often joke if I was dying of cancer. Last month, when seeing a doctor examine my delicate bones, they showed that I was stunted in development from the years of hormonal desperation my family put me through then. What does someone with no family and options at 16 learn I can’t make a foolish decision or else my life is over.
So the fact that Ron has been in my life since 19 makes him one of the first people who meant something to me when I had nobody else. He knew me as well as most people, could, yet he overgeneralized my predictability.
Ron underestimated two things one personal growth- everyone changes over time but he didn’t notice I am not the person when he first met me. He must have some frozen assumptions about who I am and what I am about. second I always was a hopeless romantic, but I had never met anyone before, which caused me to say that if I didn't give my everything I would never forgive myself. Thus, the people I dated or so-called relationships before never mattered that much, even those I cared about sincerely, Ron often meant more to me than them. So if a choice were between Ron, school, career, or whatever, the person I was dating would be removed.
Thus it must be shocking to him that, on only my second date with T, when he asked me in front of her to decide for me or T, I was like, T, you still good with me living with you? She's like yeah, why do you ask? Do you think this guy was going to change that? I looked back and said, " Well, that means I am moving in with T. HAHAHA, it's hilarious because I could see the stunned look on his face, my behavior towards him was foreign it must have caused an immediate seizure.
So let us investigate what's so different about how I feel in the case of T?
T is the 12th female I have been intimate with/ dated. I will now introduce a statistical concept known as the secretary problem. There is a logic that when you interview someone for a job, the first person isn't usually the best, but you must pick someone. So how many should you question to save time and get the best person? In short, how do you know you chose the best person?
There are lots of strategies to arrive at this. Some say look at the first 4-6; the next time you get someone at least as good as the best one, then hire that person. It is all about optimizing your chances since it's about the optimal strategy for making the best selection.
Here's what's crazy in my case, T is the best selection of a significant other I have come across. If she were to leave me, all other people would have to be measured by her. I have never encountered anyone I have ever been with thus far since I started dating at 16. I'd rather be with. It took me 20+ years to find her granted the last several years; I wasn't putting myself out there, but that's still over a decade. So when you meet someone such as an ideal match, the logic dictates that instead of trying to keep options open, seeing what happens, or playing it cool, you need to secure the situation, i.e., Id do almost anything to make it work like throw Ron to the curb if he gets in the way probably one of the four closest people in my life previously.
So even though it's a passionate decision, I am still filled with a logical underpinning; one might wonder if these are the rose-colored glasses of a new relationship. I will quantify why it is not with four examples, although I can go on for ages.
First, None of the people I dated before is more understanding and supportive of my gender dysphoria. I know that I physically am a "cis female-bodied person," but I am Intersex. My body only happened to be this way because of a genetic disorder that sometimes weighs on me. I am occasionally upset over this situation, but I deal with it. The biggest issue isn't my condition but how my family and early medical experiences made me feel about myself. In contrast, pretty much all my other partners either didn't get it, couldn't get it, wouldn't get it, or even outright judged me over it and made me feel like they were doing me a favor dating me.
T stands alone as someone who has been able to help me feel more comfortable in my body than any other human I have been with. She is so supportive that it's even hard to type this out. My mother always told me the worst decision she ever made was not aborting me because I'm an abomination. What was the cause of all this bitterness and rejection? Having a rare 1 in 540,000 intersex disorder which caused me to be a perfectly healthy female oh, the horror. So this has been and probably will always be the most significant thing I deal with emotionally. She has helped in ways I didn't think possible.
Second I had been sexually abused, which has always been challenging to feel safe and comfortable expressing my sexual needs and desires. It's not that I don't have them; Demisexuals aren't asexual, but I need someone I can feel emotionally vulnerable and safe with to begin exploring those feelings. She provided such a nurturing, safe environment that I trusted her as I had no other. I find it humorous at times. She is so careful that she will ask me permission for any slightly new act because she wouldn't want to upset or harm me in any way. The amount of care she has shown to ensure she didn't rush me, to meet me where I am, and support me in the process has been like nothing I experienced.
This is why she is the first person I not only gave permission to fuck me with a strap-on but enjoyed it.
Third, I am writing this originally for a kink journal. Some who know me personally shall read this. I am pretty into BDSM, and T is the first person close to my kink style. Veronica, a woman I was engaged to marry at one point, was the next closest Yet Veronica's idea of kink was a bit of role-play and maybe some light spanking. I have freaking fire dommed T, and just last week, she had me tied in rope and pulled me around like a rag doll, and I loved it. If veronica could see the shit that goes on in the club I'm at, the stuff I do now, she'd faint. It's fantastic to be dating someone kink-compatible with me.
Forth I Love board games and geek nerd culture in general. Early in the conversation, T asked me what I thought of board games. I was like, well, I owned over 75 now, roughly between college and moving around, wondering where they all are. They were unbelievably happy since they also have an enormous board game collection of over 100 games. I am really into board games I was the co-president of my colleges Board game club for 3 out of the four years as a student. I also produced a few youtube videos for The Dice Tower (one of the largest board game review websites) I also played competitively for chess magic the gathering and was a professional hearthstone player ranked the highest female in the world for a time. Board games, and geeky things are a massive turn on for me. One of the things that suck about living with Ron is that he wouldn’t let me establish a gaming group at my house because he was always so annoyed at the fun me and my gamer friends would have. Ron doesn’t like board games, he never showed an interest in them. I find it odd that he could hate board games at all since I have every type of game, and some are just fun party games designed to have a good time and brake the ice. Not everything needs to be competitive or should be.
Speaking of competition, the first time T was at my house, she introduced me to the game Onitama an abstract strategy game even though she just showed it to me, I got an initial board and tempo advantage, putting her in a desperate position. Then in a daring move, she put her king in quite the spot, and although I should have been able to capitalize off it, my newness to the game, plus unbelieve arousal at just being around someone I found so attractive, caused me to blunder it, and I lost the game after an epic 30 minute battle. She gave me props for giving her quite the challenge when she usually steamrolls people, especially when she plays against new players. It was the most fun I ever had losing a game.
If you want to know more, I can go on more gushing about the girl I am dating. She is my favorite person I have ever been with by many metrics. Even though it's only been four weeks, I don't need more dates to know she's irreplaceable to me. Thus I will do my best to improve her life in every way possible.
Anytime I see her, I get excited and happy. What's the point of life if you can't love and support the people you care most about? The fact that Ron got me infected with covid, which has made it impossible even safely to interact with her then, has filled me with such rage that I didn't even know I was capable of.
Meditation, self-actualization, and knowing that this is a brief moment have helped calm me down. What is upsetting me now will one day be just a memory. Ron is so clearly going to mask off in all of this. It has made my decisions and path forward clear.
Thank you for caring about me and reading,
Icegirl