How to say I hate you without those exact words
So tonight, my girlfriend had a huge event she was planning with board games, contests, and video games, a massive nerdgasm. I was helping her set it up and was looking forward to being a part of it; if anything, she was worried I would get too involved and I couldn’t enjoy the experience when she would rather see me happy than work feeling obligated to her.
But due to my covid infection given to me by my jealous ex at the fucking perfect time, I can’t go. I was so upset that I had been crying and depressed all day. He heard me crying and entered my room to check on me. I thought it was maybe to console me, maybe show remorse for hurting me. I figured he could perhaps be upset since his unwillingness to be covid reasonable is why I couldn’t even go in the first place.
Yet, in our conversation, all he did was twist the knife. Ron gleefully joked about how much fun everyone was having, and so what if I couldn’t go? No one would notice. He then said it was childish of me to cry since I would see T soon enough, and if she cared about me at the end of the day, who cared if I had been in quarantine for a week or two? I emphatically communicated that’s not the point. This occasion was exceptional, and I was looking forward to it, and it’s your fault I can’t participate. You ruined my plans and snicker. You destroyed my looking forward to tonight. He smugly retorted, “I refuse to apologize for getting sick. Anyone can get sick.” I challenged that statement, “Your risky behavior got you sick when I asked you to be more considerate.” Ron said, “Oh my god, this again. Wake up, Ice, what’s in the past is past, and this is where you now, stuck with me, sick with covid. I hope you’re having a fantastic night alone since I got nothing left to say to you if you won’t hear me out -- and just wanna be a bitch.”
I tried to stop him from walking away, saying, “You can’t say sorry or try to understand why I’m upset.”
Ron’s final words were, “You know I try to understand you, but I’m not immature enough to say I get it. Then he left my room.”
Wow, I was already upset, and then he just decided to kick me and beat me emotionally on top -- doing it with a joker’s grin. The best part is when I point out he’s just being mean to hurt me, and for no other reasons, he’s like, what in the heck are you talking about me being mean to be mean? I am just trying to have a conversation here. You’re getting all worked up over words; I am innocent your just too mentally ill to have a normal conversation.
The moment he went from problematic to villain was the moment he took half a day to come home from work to confront me and my girlfriend in the house, which is hilarious because, MIND YOU, WE (me and Ron) ARE NOT TOGETHER, AND ITS NON OFHIS BUSINESS WITH WHOM I SEE. Ron never tells me anything about how he conducts his life.
So, he decides to question my judgment when he is trying to point out that it’s ludicrous that I care about someone such as T, who I have known for such a short time. I was like, what do you mean? He said “I don’t want to bring it up.” I implored him, “it’s ok, please do.”
Where does the villain go? To my sexual assault and how he warned me that trying to see that friend was risky, he goes into some apparent details of the event, knowing I have PTSD, to try and trigger flashbacks. To which T, who was there, is like you know what you’re doing here. You’re trying to hurt her. You’re blaming the victim.
Ron got defensive at T and stated, “you can’t tell me anything you are not a part of this and don’t know how fucked up she is.” T was not phased, “I care about Ice, and you don’t because look at what you’re doing to her. I can accept her because I’m fucked up too.”
The funny thing is it wasn’t him bringing up my rape as a taunt or now him hearing me cry and making it worse so he can savor my pain that’s hurting me.
The harm is how could my judgment be so wrong about this trash being human?
How could I have loved or cared about such a malicious, vindictive bastard?
He told me how he used to hit and yell at his ex-wife and worked on that a lot and realized how wrong and fucked up that was. Yet in my case, I know he only didn’t do those things not because he didn’t want to but he couldn’t. Once, Ron tried to take a chair and hit me with it in a heated argument -- but I took it from him like a toy. So there was conflict, but because I’m a world competition martial artist, the only thing that probably saved me from his wrath was how he physically was intimidated by me.
Ron has watched me do some insane feats like just a few weeks ago; I was demonstrating how hard I kick to a friend. I had Ron holding a 250-bound water bag, and I kicked it and him over 500 pounds back about 4 feet while he braced as hard as he could. I can easily break the equivalent of two 2x4s. Yet everyone has a weakness. I built up my body because, emotionally, I am vulnerable.
One friend who at one point was intimidated by me at first was like woah, Ice; you’re not intimidating at all. Puzzled, “excuse me?” She exclaimed, yeah, you’re pretty much a cupcake that puts on a suit of armor, like how batman is just a scared edgy kid trying to stop the hurt of being powerless. Ice, you’re a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, wanting so desperately to be loved and appreciated that once someone gets in past your armor, they can squish you with a look.
Writing about the pain and acknowledging this for posterity will help me build the resilience I need not be duped by Ron or any other abuser’s bullshit. I want to see him be redeemed and believe I didn’t waste 20 years of my life on my enemy. Yet how long will I allow myself to suffer for the mistakes of the past?
If he wants back in my heart, he needs to earn it. Every time he attacks now is inoculation from future consideration. My resentment of him is the ultimate cure to purge him from my life, once and for all.
In the last entry, I claimed he didn’t see how I had changed over the years. I can see how he has changed now since I have someone I love and want to be with. Maybe it’s time I take my advice and realize he’s changed, and I don’t need an abusive ex in my life. I got enough issues.
I apologize to everyone who has cared and watched how this has affected me as of late. I had signs that Ron was a total shitbag my whole life trying to sabotage me, but I always wanted to see it as a mistake, accident, or misunderstanding.
The worse event was a couple of years ago, when I finished all my classes to apply to medical school, I hired an independent company to assess my candidacy. They pointed out that no shadowing experience or work in the field makes me a pretty average candidate since everyone who gets into medical school has good grades and can create a grand narrative. The only people who are sure things are the total package, and right now, I still need bits. I was like, well, due to covid, I can’t get any experience without working in the field because no one is taking anyone. They were like, exactly, and they gave me a list of 40 jobs that counted as clinical experience and said that the best move is to take one of those jobs or get what’s needed to do one of those jobs while doing some volunteering in the field or adjacent and that would plug my last hole and make me a superb candidate.
When I told Ron this, his response was WAKE UP, ICEGIRL; it’s over; your too old it’s gone on long enough. Your road always has another hurdle, another reason not to do it. Admit it you don’t have what it takes to commit to your dreams. You should humble yourself, look in the mirror and say you don’t want it badly enough.
I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I have now seen the last issues with my candidacy and will address them.
Ron stated yeah, sure, whatever; you graduated from UNC in 2015. It’s 2020, and you’re not in medical school. When are you going to wake up? Are you are not going to go? It isn’t your future but a dream; sometimes dreams don’t come true; that’s life.
But in the last two and half years, I have been in search and rescue as a Wilderness trained Emergency Medical Technician; I got a job as a professional Nationally registered Emergency Medical Technician and became a certified Federal emergency management responder. I have saved countless lives, and what was once a weak spot for my candidacy is now the most robust section I have. Where many people apply with barely 160 -800 hours of shadowing, I have nearly three years of professional and volunteering medical experience and did it during covid, one of the most difficult stressful times there has ever been to be in the field.
I have saved many lives and been on rescue operations and preparedness drills. I will miss this part of my life once I become a higher-level provider. I might seek to keep my NREMT license just so that I can occasionally be out on an ambulance or in the woods saving someone instead of just doing treatment in a clinical setting. Who doesn’t wanna be on the front lines where the action is?
So one has to ask why Ron, who knew how much that meant to me, tried to get me to give up.
Well, he told me point blank how many people that become doctors or higher-level providers move on and forget the people who got them there. Ron would rather see me abandon my dreams and life goals to be with him. Ron wanted me to break promises to myself and to the intersex and trans community to become someone that can treat us with dignity and respect. I want to help write an improved standard of care that would hopefully be adopted because it’s from the lived experience of a lifetime of knowledge that can’t be instructed on. I am a board member of Oii America. I have written testimony for intersex and trans bills and legislation and given many talks about Intersex trans and nonbinary issues, which is part of how I always planned to contribute going forward with my life.
Did he think I would ever walk away from the reason I live and breathe?
Then when I got all achieved a while ago, I shoved it in his face in an argument about how I am beyond ready to apply now. He stated that it was all reverse psychology and that he didn’t mean to hurt me but to get me to stop bitching and focus. It was him supporting me that is why he shit on my dreams so much.
He tried to take all the credit for my hard work of getting all the ducks in a row and smashing them. YET I KNOW THAT’S BULLSHIT.
Did he ever ask to help prepare me for the test?
Did he ever really care how I was doing?
Shit, I realized I had to stop telling him the days of my finals because it would just so happen that often we would fight and have nasty moments of stress the night before or mourning of! He liked to blame it on my added stresses that I was seeing a pattern based on me being unstable, not him. Yet, when I stopped telling him when the dates were and just kept to myself more and focused on my studies, surprisingly, there was peace and no arguments right before critical examinations. Freeing myself from Ron is even more painful because I am breaking through the millions of lies he sold me. Ron never wanted anything out of me other than a complete subordinate; it is so sad. I was so blind. I believed he wasn’t the person people had pointed out to me.
I tried to keep the faith; he isn’t who he seems to be yet for what reason?
Do I want to believe his lies or my emotional responses to him that cause me to shutter whenever we interact?
The raw reality of this situation has brought me to my knees in tears. I ask life for the strength to rise stronger after this. I have a heading. There is no delusion of my and Ron’s relationship; it is how he always wanted it to be. I am merely breaking free of those restraints holding me back from where I need to travel.