CW: child neglect
I am Intersex, the name of my condition is Swyer syndrome we tend to have female external genitalia and female internal reproductive structures even though we have XY chromosomes.
Yet when I was born due to me having XY chromosomes my ignorant family tried to have me augmented to be male with surgery and medical hormones.
I had a mostly cosmetic micro phallus I couldn't pee standing and my body never responded for overt masculinization.
My family tried to convince me I was a normal male child even though it was obvious I wasn't.
The lies became beyond abusive when I started to have my period at 13 and grow breasts. My family tried to force me to have my breasts removed and have doctors lie about what was going on with my body.
Ultimately I sued for independence and won so I could have the right to make medical decisions for myself. Still to this day I am injured from choices my family made against my wishes.
I had the mostly cosmetic procedure they did on me as a baby undone to ensure I could be healthy. Yet even with my body as it was intended the fact I faced so much pain anguish abuse from my family and outright rejection caused me to feel ostercized.
Even when I try to share my experiences I feel often punished.
Cis people often look at my lack of a certain upbringing plus my awkwardness at times as just discomforting often they don't wanna hear it.
Trans people often oversimplify my struggles saying that at least I don't have to worry about passing and with my Medical diagnosis no one argued from me getting medical care.
It is for these reasons I feel as if I don't belong anywhere and since my condition is one of the most rare types of intersex it doesn't even have a specific support group online.
To put it in perspective less then 600 people are estimated in the United States have my condition.
Lately it has come to my attention that my own depression and resentment around these experiences has caused friends to feel concerned over my state of mind.
I am trying to grow as a person and look at it in a more healthy way 51% of the world has a female body it is only different in that mine is due to an obscure condition.
Many people are also orphans should those situations cause me to continue to feel depressed and self loathing?
Imagine the opposite if a friend came to me and said I am depressed because I am female and my family wished I was male so they abandoned me.
Would I reply: you should spend the rest of your life depressed about that and hate yourself for the circumstances of your birth.
I used to blame my condition for ruining my life because without this condition maybe my mother and father could love me and I'd get to have a family.
I played in Carnegie Hall, was a published poet, won awards, put myself through college getting multiple degrees without help, became a first responder during covid saved countless lives.
All these achievements and I still feel intensely worthless.
I am finally working on it. Being in a female body isn't a death sentence and to be frank the problem was how my family treated me -not my condition.
Learning to love and accept myself has been something I never even tried to do previously but hopefully there is still time to enjoy part of my life.
Thank you for being on this journey with me.
