Trouble Sleeping 11/
My mind toils I never been so conflicted in all my life. My "primary" once said they think I am in love with the idea of them more so then who they are.
I been wondering from that moment if it is true. I when I was a first grader my best friend was a kid named mickloush not sure how you spell it. He was the ambassadors son to Yugoslavia. Growing up in New Rochelle which is literally 2 stops on the new Haven line from NYC it wasn't uncommon.
He was also brilliant when other kids were struggling to read magic school bus we would compare favorite greek authors and help eachother work on algebra together.
Yet he went back with his family and died during the war that broke up that country. Even thinking about him I am starting to cry he had so much potential and yet probably a random bomb or stray bullet put an end to it.
I will never get to see him again but I always thought oh well if I date anyone I want them to be as smart as me. I didn't realize how lucky I was meeting him right off the bat because the second time I interacted with someone close to that level of intellect it was Safi who was the daughter of an advisor to Jamaica's top diplomats. I met her in highschool right before walking into a movie theater she was alone looked out of place and was awkward.
If you ever met me you know I love and am always excited to meet people she still didn't have many friends and well I decided to jump at the chance to be friend her share new york with her and eventually come to date her.
Little did I know she was going to invite me back to Jamaica and I was going to spend the summer living with her and her family and then spend the next two summers going down and staying with her friends that became my friends. Yet why didn't I stay with her simple she didn't want me. Her rejection of me in part because of my inability to address my intersex condition and that I was not merely a feminine looking male but actually had female body parts internally was kinda something I didn't know how to address I mean how do you say that to someone you love.
Since then everyone I dated missed the first desire of mine someone as intelligent as me. That sorta is what led to the 11 years without dating I just figured one day when I finish my education maybe someone will emerge who knows.
Did I expect or ask for someone now at this very moment of course not. Infact if anything I used to plead with her to make this a platonic friendship yet she insisted on trying.
Here we are only the third genius I been in a relationship with that alone is remarkable but here is where it gets inconceivable.
She's not only as smart or smarter than me
She's kinky
She's trustworthy
She's surprisingly loving
She's way more sexy
She's protective of me
She's funny
She's driven to contribute to science
I don't think I've dated someone I have more respect for being willing to ditch a well compensated comfortable life to be a starving researcher all in the hopes of making an impact on humanity forever.
Yet as much as I love her the harder I try to cheer her up or suggest that maybe she isn't taking care of herself I come across as pest.
Literally she has told me of three things she dreamed about I helped make all three of them come true as soon as she mentioned it was my imperative.
Yet like in the first 4 months we met and I tried to cheer her up and ended up getting the cold shoulder even as her lover trying my absolute hardest to make her life better I get treated like an idiot and often even berated for the attempts to improve her life.
One would expect someone in healthcare with degrees and training that make me especially understanding and me only fighting for her to genuinely try to improve things for her own benefit and what am I in her eyes but unhelpful.
Everyday that passes I realize she genuinely doesn't want to be helped or cheered up or even be cared about. The intense loner vibes so vicious that it often makes me feel I am unwelcome in my own apartment.
What I also find a bit depressing while I have been more then willing and often helpful in her studies when I attempted to incorporate her into my area of work not only did she not play well she outright attacked my focus on grades and performance.
Granted she has her priorities but one would think a 3.9 GPA 3 degrees and multiple talents would make my opinion and method worth something. Yet not to her the fact that I have been always doing it with eyes for medical school that I see ever class project even job and volunteering as just one step climbing the ladder to becoming a higher level provider to her is not worthy of respect.
You know I didn't go to college at all until 28 it was when I realized how horrible the treatment I was getting for my condition and how I felt my grandmother as she was dying if cancer was being treated.
I didn't want to become a Doctor for money or prestige it was the lack of providers who genuinely cared.
Working as a medical assistant for a time on a hospitals float team I have worked with over 15 different doctors and I can genuinely say only 3 of them viewed it as anything more then a job.
So internally I know now from a wider sample how rare it is for medical providers yo give a damn I am sorry that I think the profession needs People who are drawn for moral purpose and willing to not only give back to the community but help service the LGBTIQQAA+ community as someone who comes from it and has struggles. Heck I also learned sign language so I could converse with deaf patients even though it's years away from me ever having one of my own.
I believe that is a mission I need to complete and therefore every class I am in it's merely a hurdle to be conquered on the way towards my goal.
Yet where I think she's incredible for me my views on the world my desire to please her and even my desire to advocate for her to treat herself better makes me wonder why can I not succeed.
Oh well it wasn't in my ultimate plan yo be in a relationship at this time in my life. She is just the first person I was willing to derail everything for because I know she's irrefutably irreplaceable. Yet that doesn't mean we're compatible. If anything she recently told me that maybe I should be with someone who can appreciate me and what I do for them.
I don't know what to do as far as this relationship is concerned but my very nature is if I love someone I constantly want to make there lives better I am a people pleaser in my DNA. Yet the person I am with doesn't want that from me and as such I feel rejected even though I am with them.
This is why at 3:06 I sit in the dark crying thinking even when I have another remarkable person in my life that ultimately I have failed again. It is only a matter of time and it hurts.
