1 of 30 blogs in a row. I have done tasks like this before with mixed results. I want to reflect each night before bed and put down my thoughts. I am making them public because if anyone wants to comment, so be it. I will probably reply because I enjoy chatting with people.
This is for me primarily, and that is why it shall be done. First, I think a combination of People at my current job I am leaving soon treating me poorly, Many so-called friends in my life being generally bizarre and hard to understand, and my current girlfriend being so off-putting to me at times it has been hard to process all of this at the moment. The issue with my girlfriend is that she is not used to people actively trying to love and care for her, and since she takes poor care of herself, that has put us at odds with that. The logical answer is to say, well, it's her life. If she doesn't want to eat healthy, work out, or take care of her emotional well-being, that is her business.
I agree to a point, I also agree, as someone who cares for her and about her well-being, that I do not feel it is improper to accept that what is currently is how it has to be and that I should encourage her to take better care of herself. Maybe I am not doing it the best way but I am trying doesn't making an effort count?
When I asked her what she loved about herself, it took her almost three weeks to think of the first thing. I can talk for hours about the great qualities she has. This isn't me calling her out. If anything, this is more me complaining to the ether why can't I help her take care of herself better or care about herself more? Why can't I make her see that the cumulative impact of poor health conditions is holding her back from many things she misses in life and part of what it is hard to get up and her poor performance in tasks is that she is unwell?
It is apparent I care so much when I see someone hurting. I want to make it better. I mean, you don't dedicate your life to healthcare saving lives and being an outspoken activist for LGBTIQ rights while also being so public about your life and struggles without wanting to make people's lives better and then not care about the people around you.
One of the reasons I enjoy being an EMT is I am called, I show up, I size up the task, and then execute the task, and I am generally someone's support or hero. It feels good to know someone had a better life because of my direct and deliberate actions.
Yet why does it seem when it gets into my circle, that skill ends? So many people I know are their worst enemies, and I can be the voice of reason. No matter how much I sound the alarm bell and offer all kinds of support, anything that they could ask for to assist in the end, often I see so little effort to improve.
My mom couldn't help her.
My friend K and I just had a conversation that after a year of offering him personal training once a week for free, maybe we need time off because he hasn't made his health the priority it needs to be.
My friend R I have offered so much advice it almost makes me wonder why I bother; here's an example: a few months ago, he was like, you know what? I want to walk 3-5 miles every day like you tend to do. I was like, hun, you haven't trained in a long time. You're out of shape and have diabetes. It would be best to moderate that and slowly build over time to what your body can tolerate. He said, " You constantly nag I should do stuff now when I want to. You are telling me no. I was like, it's not that it's about building intelligently and loading how your body can handle not going to the extreme too fast, especially since you also have disabilities. Will anyone be surprised he didn't listen?
In less than three weeks, he was missing work and laid up because he put a hole in his foot, which led to a cascade of health issues.
I say things to people because I care, and I can often anticipate how their actions are not in their best interest, especially if it's in my area of expertise mental and physical health, and yet I have to watch them run into the wall and try my best to patch up the pieces.
There is a saying sometimes you have to let people learn the hard way, and I guess I have been guilty of that myself, but when I see people harming themselves, I wish there was something more I could do.
What's coming to my mind is in RPGS, I always played clerics and healers. I would do everything I could to keep the party up, even for one more second; that was always important. It's interesting how, in many ways, the same obsessive passion to try and improve the lives of people around me at all costs, if possible, has continued into my real life. Yet what used to be virtual or on a table top now has real disappointment attached when I can't help my patients or, even worse, the people I love.