Day 14
My Mother has been reaching out to me using the fact holidays are coming up to try and emotionally blackmail me to visit her.
I haven't seen her in 14 months. First she probably should have been vut out sooner she was abusive and distant growing up eventually causing her to lose custody.
I tried to forgive her many times thinking well she had me at 18 and was doing drugs what can you expect she was overwhelmed and should be given chances.
Yet she never improved the final straw was earlier this year when I told her I started dating a female she was not only unsupportive she was down right hostile towards her and very skeptical of what they wanted in my life.
I mean I am in general pretty laid back people can be mean and disrespectful towards me and I will often turn the other cheek but you being disrespectful towards someone I care about is a no go.
I don't have a close family Infact just last night my aunt called me out of the blue because my godmother died no one even told me she was sick in the first place.
The fact I am queer intersex and nonbinary they are just want nothing to do with me.
I have had my grandfather on my father's side once tell me if I ever went to his house again unannounced hed shoot me as a trespasser.
So when I have been used to such repulsive treatment my whole life from my family it didn't take much to view my mom as the best of the worst.
Yet it hurts to think I don't get to have a family especially around the holidays. Sure I have some friends who are really close but most of them don't want me to participate in there family affairs which is understandable.
My girlfriend invited me to go spend Thanksgiving with her family this year I was thinking maybe I shouldn't go because I am not family just because I am dating her.
She insisted because she didn't want me to be alone. I was like well I won't be alone because I would have probably picked up EMT shifts its not like people don't need medical help during Thanksgiving or black Friday.
But she won out and convinced me her family wants me to visit even though I think she is just worried about my emotional well-being.
The fact is I often talk of loneliness and despair but I feel its part of the human condition. I am just honest and raw if people had the same situation I been though they would feel the same way.
Infact I know plenty of people who have a family that loves them and still feels lonely.
I would never forget one of ny male friends told me the biggest mistake he ever made in life was starting a family with a girl he didn't mentally respect.
He found her attractive and enjoyed the way she treated him two kids and ten years later all he does behind her back is bemoan how stupid pathetic and how he wishes she wasn't help raising his kids.
I am not here to say he is right clearly there has to be some issues there but the thing he said he would go back and change in his youth would be to value intellectual and moral compatibility because having to spend a life with someone you don't have enough in common with just gets soul killing.
Now mind you I am a demisexual sapiosexual I already know this. But it has been hard to watch how bitter and resentful he has become towards his wife.
I brought this up because it to me is a very cautionary situation don't over invest yourself into someone you don't want to be in you're life forever.
Thats why I didn't have a full relationship for over 8 years as dysfunctional as my bio family is and how painful it is to see some of my friends in families they hate and feel opress them it has just been so scary to me.