Day 19
If karma was real you think the highest level one could achieve is saving people's lives right.
In supporting families through difficult times and ensuring someone's health is preserved.
This is partially why jobs like doctors nurses and medics are so well regarded. My grandma used to always bake cookies around this time of year and bring them to all her doctors at there appointments. If she was having a long stay at a hospital me and the family would often order pizza or Chinese and have it brought to the unit.
Anything to lift the moral of the people who are doing the hard work of keeping the people we love taken care of.
Yet between being an EMT and medical assistant I have worked going on 3 years and overall all the good I have done lives I have saved yet what has become of all that good I put out into the world on my cosmic balance nothing.
I generally have two core dreams a world that treats the LGBT community as equals and one day having a family I think its ingrained in every orphan from a disfunctional family.
Well in both cases it seems things have only gotten worse currently in the country I live there is actively 814 peices of anti gay legislation.
Additionally in my most personal situation being Intersex in many states have now been reclassified as a developmental disability. The reason is as they have passed anti trans laws they have often made carve outs for intersex people. Mind you this wasn't to treat Intersex individuals better for example in Texas where they have now banned trans youth care they added this so that they can continue to treat Intersex individuals at the desire of the parents.
Note when trans kids often want treatment the majority of intersex individuals like myself wish we had less intervention as a child so this law has ensured no one is getting what they want. Why has such a thing happened in part because they want to maximize cisgender heteronormativity.
I know that my highschool knew I got assaulted in the boys locker room from having breasts but did the solution have to be to forced placement in the female locker room. Maybe I don't know instruct the boys not to harass the intersex student?
My body wasn't the issue it was a society that allowed for people not only to engage in such behavior but blamed my body for my mistreatment not others.
So as the LGBT community is losing across the board what of my other main goal having a family one day. Well the first person I have tried to date in 8 years reminded me why I had given up for so long. Things that I would hope for making them happier taking care of them supporting there dreams
. Doesn't seem to be making them any happier. It hurts me really to my core when I can't help people or make there lives better. I think this innate instinct goes back to when I was a child trying to make my mom proud of me or happy with me and she just didn't give a crap. Making her food taking care of the household getting great grades even winning awards for my art none of it made her happy.
Yet even the slightest transgression and Id get beaten locked in my room or just verbally abused as not good enough. I plan to one day write a book about my life and yeah of course the publisher gets a say in the sub head my idea was always the child not even a mother could love.
That's what my mom used to terrorize me with when I would get really upset and say she should give me up for adoption because then maybe someone could love me. She would say look at you you're the child not even a mother could love you think anyone would treat you any better?
My brain at the time was like well look at the situation most peoples mothers love them there is so many stories of how bad it is for foster kids maybe this is the best it could ever be.
So it was built in to try and always win the favor and approval of those I love yet I fail so often to make a dent in the situation I kinda just said why bother. Well I tried again it isn't going any better then the last attempts.
This is why I can confidently say karma doesn't exist. With all the good I do for others daily all the families that have been greatful and said they would pray for me hell the nicest person I treated even nit me a hat I wear on occasion.
Yet the two things that would make me happiest in this world better treatment for the LGBTIQQAA community specifically intersex and one day falling in love with someone and having some sort of stable family like I always wished for.
Neither have improved, its a good thing I do what I do not for karmic reasons but because I believe that the best use of my actions is taking care of people.
As sad as I can be as unfair the world feels at times I am always excited to go to work and make a difference in peoples lives.
I am probably going to turn into a work acholic soon what's the point of doing anything that isn't helping people because I mean my personal life doesn't really exist and politically it seems like the United States hasn't been getting any better.
So I might as well give up my personal dreams.
