CW: self abuse, gender dysphoria
I have not once but twice had to go to the hospital over self abuse. One was when I attempted to burn my cliterous off because it bothered me. Well ends up once I got through the hood I passed out.
The only signs it ever happened besides my memories is I have a scar going through the hood making a hole.
The second time is anytime I had any sexual desires I would use painful stimulation to associate pain and discomfort with sexual stimulation.
I would bite the inside of my mouth often until it bleed and that killed the mood for me.
Yet the many times I did it over the years created such thick scar tissue in my mouth that it was like having massive rock hard stones.
In 2019 it got so bad that I could barely eat properly and I had to have a surgery where they cut the inside of my mouth and removed the scar tissue.
Why did I do this? I think the main contributing factors were: hating the fact I was female bodied. I never wanted to have an Intersex condition that caused me to develop female internals. My family made me feel really horrible for not responding to treatments to encourage masculine development. Mixed with intense feelings of Catholic bullshit around sex and arousal I used to very much believe that I shouldn't have sex with anyone until I married them and such and felt those desires were not helpful in me achiving my goals so I tried to disapline myself.
Lastly and perhaps most of all even though in most aspects of my life I am a pretty in control dominant type who usually handles things. Sex is the one area where not only I am often nervous but not confident. So if something scares you and feels weird it makes sense to try and avoid it.
Now after being in a relationship for the first time in forever if anything things have gotten less negative but I still have issues.
I have come to a truce with my body I genuinely enjoy having my body. I haven't abused it in roughly 2 years when I made a promise to a friend I'd stop.
I might have a lower sex drive compared to most but when I love someone I can express myself sexually like most people.
Yet this has created tension between me and my girlfriend because there have been times I was interested and she wasn't. That's a new issue for me since in past relationships I was so not interested they usually would beg me to show them attention.
Its not quite a shoe on the other foot though since I just generally have been starting to just think of my girlfriend not as a sexual relationship anymore.
I don't think sexual love is that meaningful at least I never had that in my life. So to me it's been like oh we're not having sex anymore ok and I'm ready to move on sexually.
I think the thing that surpised me the most was how much I enjoyed getting ravished by my girlfriend. I never before trusted someone enough or was willing to let someone top me. Having been abused and uncomfortable in my body sorta explains it.
Yet one of the first times she was with me she rolled me over choked me into my pillow face down ass up and spread my legs. If you could have asked me what I'd enjoy sexually the idea of being dominated like that would have been the farthest thing from my mind.
I had always been a switch as far as BDSM goes but I didn't know that sexually I had any interest in being taken like that.
I think for me it was the obvious passion from my partner the way she slowly built the moment until she had me at peak receptiveness and knowing I was curious she went for it. It definitely gave me some new things to consider about sex my body my identity.
There are days I wish I didn't know more about myself like ok fine so my body enjoys sex with someone I love how did that help me in any meaningful way? Additionally as much as I rejected in the past having a female body it gives me pleasure sexually and makes it idiotic to ignore going forward.
The saying when life gives you lemons comes to mind. Did I want a female body no but as far as bodies go this is the one I have and as such I shouldn't hate it for being itself.
I think probably the weirdest thought was most my life I wished I was male. (Note due to my Intersex condition I can't respond to testosterone so I was locked into typical female body development.) Only recently I reflected and if I had a wish it would be to not have been so hard on myself for having the body I do my negativity about it only made my life worse.