Trigger warning ⚠️ Abuse PTSD
With what has happened recently with Nex in the news has brought back so many memories of why I am the way I am.
Dueto my body not being able to masculinize during puberty and actually growing into typically female dimensions it caused merciless teasing abuse and attempted sexual assaults.
I had an assault once at school where my own skull was slammed into a metal slide breaking my skull and I had to get rushed to the hospital.
The difference here is that I lived it could have been me that had their skull damaged surrounded by bullies and no longer alive.
The difference is after that I trained to become an elite fighter and if anyone so much as looked at me funny I put them through a wall the fear that my life was on the line for my very existence is still in me.
I never wanted to transition I never felt like much of a female, society was the thing that was unable to comprehend a male developing female sex characteristics would it have been that bad if people just left me alone?
What's wrong if I was a physical female with a male name and acted like a dude who cares?
The fact is so much of what I did was for other people to exist without constant abuse.
My girlfriend often says focus on what you want outta life.
I didn't get any of it a world thats safe for Intersex trans and nonbinary people. A family that's loving and accepting. Someone who wants to be with me dispite my mental and physical scars. But I persist because in my heart I believe that my actions can make a difference in the future.
It's been looking grim lately but if we don't fight if we don't speak out if we don't demand the world to atone for it's sins against our existence it will only be worse.
So many nights when I was young I prayed for someone to fight to make it better well here I am in my life everyday I do what I can.
I save lives, I educate, I speak out, I persist in the face of adversity.
Today is a harder day I have lost so many friends in my life already who were queer through violence and too many at theit own hands.
One of the things I hear old people talk about is the hardest part of getting old is watching your friends die. They say this to me as if being young I haven't.
Well I hate to burst your bubble gramps I had to bury my own friend who killed themselves in my own home, and watch their family not even refer to him by his name and he wasn't even half your god damn age.
They talk of the bliss of youth and what it would be like to be young again. Well in my life it feels like a warzone.
What have I seen to be hopeful lately the government criminalize my and others existence, always wondering if I am gonna hear about another friend who was murdered or killed themselves. When I open up my news feed I don't know if I am gonna see the same shit I went though 20 years ago is gonna claim the life of a poor defenseless kid.
Of course no one pays for the crime I mean why would they our lives have no value.
My abject hate for the way things are is what keeps me alive. I am sick of it and shall continue to fight for change.
If you're not doing everything you can to push back against the current state of affairs I hope you know you genuinely are part of the problem.
You're comfort is something I've never known a day in my life if you're not outraged.
I guess maybe I just need to pull away from people they just don't have a clue how horrible this feels.