The deepest self reflection 🪞
I fought suicidal thoughts since the last attempt at 17.
I didn't want to accept the reality that I had to live in a cis female body the rest of my life due to my genetic condition I felt this being forced on me was enough to sour me on life. I stayed alive because I felt it my duty as a genius intersex person was to help make the treatment I received as a youth the recommendations that ruined me and tore apart my family stop so even if my life was wasted it wouldn't happen again to another.
It's been decades since then and I'm finally applying to medical school and this isn't even counting all the people ive saved from my work as an EMT.
Yet those around me at times see the sadness in me and it frightens them. Seeing their response made me debate on pulling away however losing my dear friend Prince to self harm recently and how deep the hurt has impacted me changed my mind set.
I cannot be a part of hurting others the way I have been hurt. The loss seems so senseless and I blame myself for not doing more. He has forced me to a self reckoning but I have such a deep scar of feeling I failed him.
I took him into my home with hopes to help heal him and support his transition and now all I have is painful memories and the albatross of how my best attempts weren't enough to save someone I loved.
The same way my life's mission has been to improve things for trans and intersex people. I cannot accept suicide for myself as an option as a second core truth.
It has been a hard road accepting that I will fight to live my entire life span. I deeply thank everyone who has been with me on this journey.
I am greatful for the part you played getting me to this moment. Being in a female body isn't a terminal condition and mentally I can adjust my mindset.
It will take time and hopefully I will have plenty of it before me till the pain is just a memory.
