Feeling Alien 👽
Intersex people should never be lied to the trauma echos throughout life.
Today this came into sharp focus hearing some talk about Trans surgery and recoveries.
The experience was so different for me and it makes me feel like a freak since I never had proper male anatomy at birth.
Having doctors try and craft a penis and give me male hormones before I had memories for years I thought I was male.
So when puberty made it clear that I couldn't survive that way due to my periods having an operation was a last resort. I never wanted it.
Yet trans women are so happy and excited for operations for me it was a death sentence if I didn't.
Hearing how they have to dilate so strictly to even keep a vagina when I didn't masturbate at all for nearly 20 years after my operation is kinda mind blowing.
I been so disgusted by my anatomy it's hard to imagine being able to keep up with the required amount.
They are some of the most persistent women more power to em!
After my operation I begged doctors to just perform a hysterectomy and sow it up entirely.
I had no interest in exploring my female anatomy so figured there would be no loss.
However every doctor I asked said some variant of I need therapy and to cope better.
Well maybe if I wasn't brainwashed and forcibly given interventions against my will this would've been easier for me to adjust to.
Even though I have improved some I reflect on how the medical recommendation is to abort us.
So many doctors use high pressure tactics I wil post one such story below but read and hear about it all the time.
Can I actually argue that the world wouldn't be a better place without me in it. How much I suffer at times to exist is difficult.
My current girlfriend claimed she's T4T yet I'm not trans I'm clearly not cis I'm this thing that we don't even have a proper word for.
Is it any wonder the pronouns my family used for me growing up was it or thing vs typical gendered names - those words hurt me so to this day.
Our sociy doesn't really have an answer for where people like me fit. Most cis people tell me I should hide and be ashamed so I can integrate better while trans people are way more supportive with me being myself and admitting my struggles and experiences.
Yet it hurts to feel that even though I had a similar journey I am foreign to the full trans experience more like a step sister to trans.
The stats show that with my condition about 1 in 270,000 should exist so for the entire state of Maryland with 6.15 million that means 22 people.
Yet how many of them were raised male let's assume half that's 11 people.
Take that 11 assume the roughly 40% that die young for one reason or another. 6 people in this entire state might have a similar experience to me.
Shitty bastards that like to talk about how rare we are whenever anyone talks about us yeah we are but does that mean we shouldn't exist. Or other people can't argue for our rights.
I feel so alone sometimes because when other people bond over shared experiences I will always be an inhuman anomaly.
You know your fucked when you get emails all the time from researchers who want to study your unique biology.
I am not a lab rat 🐁. I have hopes and dream yet the older I get the more I realize the core one a world where intersex people have a place at the table and are protected from operations at birth for cosmetic reasons I fear I might never get to live to see that day.
I can't even do a gynecology exam without individuals wanting to take pictures or write papers about me.
How am I supposed to ever feel like I belong.
I am an orphan and to be frank I always said to people that got close to me.
Don't cry for me I was born alone and I will die alone.
