Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Freedom's joy often follows great pain.

Content warning: ⚠️ child neglect and sexual assault.

My father according to my mother after they had broken up got her drunk at a college party and he forced himself on her. This was the 80's so even when she tried to express what happened no one viewed it as rape.

That instance of pain shattered her in ways and I was left with a broken person unable to love or care for me and my wellbeing.

So many times if I even spoke out of turn she would bemoan how she didn't abort me and how I was a plague upon her life.

So often she would look around at the living conditions and ask if I was happy for our suffering because it's my fault for us being on welfare and for her losing her chances at college -- for everything.

Often the screaming fits would then beget beatings till I'd be so bruised I could barely stand anymore.

I felt so ashamed so responsible for ruining her life I just wanted to make amends for my existence ruining her life.

No matter what I achieved how perfect I performed she would be like that's nice I still have to meet another john tonight to support us so how good is it and then flick a cigarette out at me or worse kick my dog and blame it for eating all our money.

This continued until a couple of years ago because in my heart I had always sought her approval so much that any offense to me was one I was willing to endure.

I was taught to honor our father and mother from an early age they don’t add in the part unless they treat you like filth. My father was so much worse that there were trials on him attempting to murder me I had to take part in.

You might wonder how this all happened why I didn’t push back more my mom convinced me that I WAS A FREAK OF NATURE - A CHILD NOT EVEN A MOTHER COULD LOVE.

She would say things such as go ahead and report but don't think your life's gonna get any better starving in an orphanage. What could I know how could I know I felt this was as it was meant to be it got even worse when I came to understand I was intersex because it all got compounded by me hating and not understanding my own body.

I couldn't fit in with my peers at school anymore my breasts and period spotting started when I was raised a boy and tried to present male just brought everything into collision 💥.

I will never forget when in the locker room multiple boys cornered me ripped my shirt off exposed my breasts and asked me what am I.

I didn't have an answer in some ways I still don't how could I believe there was a future free from pain hate rejection. If I did everything my mom even whispered and it still wasn't enough how could I ever be enough for anyone?

Action to action in my life has been one prolonged epilogue on a life that I felt in many ways was already done born cursed with a rare intersex condition to a jukie whore on welfare. Who wants to associate with anyone like me who could ever want to be with a person like me? If I were to get married who would walk me down the aisle the no one else who wants to be associated with me?

I am finally starting to breathe again and find myself in all of this because the location of so much of my pain and agony has been extracted.

I had mentioned to my mother that I had fallen for someone and I guess in part because she didn't like the fact my ear was bending to another and whatever aspects in her black heart got triggered but she disrespected my girlfriend.

While I have been broken in many ways to take any abuse no matter how grand and want to reach a compromise her disrespectful attitude towards someone I loved someone who for the first time made me believe someone might love me was a bridge too far.

I am deleting her from my life forever.

The last call conversation me and my mother will ever have was when I was going to Bridgeport for an interview at medical school she called knowing the time to wish me luck. I told her i don't believe in luck. She then started to yell at me and say she was trying to be supportive why am I such an ungrateful difficult little shit -- well she hopes I fail is that better.

I told her it wasn't the time to talk and we should address it later and I hung up. I then sent in a text that applying to medical school is too grand a task for me to manage her bullshit right now and I won't talk to her again until next year.

It's been a month now without talking to her and you know what I feel better my life is better I'm a happier person without her. Extracting her was a lifelong process that has left me vulnerable and emotional in ways I never had encountered before but it was the start of new possibilities.

I cannot build for the future when someone wants to continue abusing me and taking advantage of my grace.

It's the hardest decision I ever had to make but if I want my full potential unlocked I have to rid myself of unneeded baggage.

I tried my best to salvage it but today my mother is finally dead to me.