Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Woke up with night terrors multiple times. 🚨

Can't aleep tonight.

Been doing a lot of soul searching. This has been my last regularly scheduled shift as an EMT.

No idea if I will ever get to operate as one again. 🚑

Had two lights and sirens emergencies.

One a patient on life support going to a higher level of care hospital

The other a complicated labor and delivery

I had three generic patients

Heart attack

A mitral Valve leak going between hospitals for a specialist for surgery

An ER discharged back to nursing home.

For a last shift pretty busy just the way I like it.

I enjoyed being an EMT I am one of the best there was not exaggerating - Had wilderness rescue certification, had multiple fema disaster certifications, was licensed to train EMTs, had my critical care certification and now over 4+ years experience.

On top of my great grades my skill is why I got accepted to 3 medical schools this cycle.

But for the first time in my life I am having a (mid) life crisis. I identified myself as an EMT/ hero for a while and I know that's never gonna happen again. 😭

As a PA I am more "valuable" seeing patients. As for people who argue why don't you volunteer you recently re upped your EMT licenses anyway until 2028.

If I am going to volunteer which makes more sense?

Ride an ambulance which is something literally anyone with a few months of training over the age of 18 can do - or seeing patients as an advanced provider where I can write scripts and do medical procedures?

In short there is a greater need for providers willing to care for the needy than people riding ambulances.

Anyone can become EMT but not just anyone can get into and graduate medical school due to strict admission criteria and difficult licensing examinations.

Accepting that this phase of my life is over is rough - not to mention In the last couple of years I have found a tiny home in Baltimore.

I had some family already here-
But in the last couple of years I got a girlfriend, and truly was touched by the local BDSM scene.

I know 5 hours isn't much but from everything I have been told the first year is hell on earth thus I won't get much free time to come and visit as such 5 hours might as well be an Ocean away 🌊.

All this sacrifice -
losing my favorite job the status of hero, being separated from friends, family and my lover for years to come.

I might have achieved a dream but I'm genuinely miserable and never considered the cost to me for the dream.

Sure the very first patient I see on my medical license will be worth the sacrifices but this isn't a victory without pain and loss.

The alchemy of life must be maintained - a debt must be paid for this dream to come to fruition.

To make my first patient extra special I will try to ensure my first patient is in an underserved community volunteering.

I genuinely got into this not for money having been on welfare I struggled to get quality care as a child and young adult.

Also as an Intersex person having many idiots that didn't know a damn thing mistreat me made me consider the only solution was to get a license so I can treat myself.

My mission has been for many years to get to med school graduate and help make a change in the world in regards to acess and queer care.

Even though I am starting my dream next week I'm unhappy 😭 I never predicted this emotional loss connected to my success.

Being an EMT was originally a means to an end. I needed medical experience and training I didn't think Id fall in love with the profession.

Historically as an orphan I have been a loan wolf I didn't need anyone.

Tonight I grieve the end of NREMT/search and rescue me and the looming separation from the people I care about.

Your tormented🥀
Ice