Not a story today, just some reflection after a long weekend:
There is so much complexity in a Dom/sub relationship. I always felt like I understood the depths, but when you are in a relationship, it’s easy to settle into the norm. I have always focused on the physical release.... I can breath a little deeper, my mind is sharp but my body relaxed.
The longer I go without a Sir, the more I have come to better understand myself and the reasons behind why I need/want to submit.
I realize that I don’t forgive myself easily. Not only do I not forgive myself, but I hang onto those transgressions like they are my only lifeline. A rope, per say, tossed out to sea for me to grab. Except it winds its way around my neck and as the days pass it gets tighter and tighter and I feel like I’m suffocating.
To say I am hard on myself is an understatement. Some days those tapes in my head overwhelm me. I need an absolution ... and beyond that I need to release my guilt
The simple complexity of a Dom/sub relationship, to me, means that I am given that release. I know when I do something wrong, I am held accountable. I know that I will be punished. My heart hurts in this moment and I feel anxious knowing what is to come, but it’s simple in my head and doesn’t send me spinning.
What comes next is what I find myself focusing on lately. When the punishment shifts. With each second that passes, be it a spanking, paddle, contemplating my life in a corner, denial, lines.... whatever the punishment, there usually is a breaking point. I go from a little excited but guilty to angry to remorseful (sometimes VERY remorseful 😜) and then there are those last smacks, those last whacks, those last quiet minutes where my mind just stops and the hum that envelops the room swallows me. I think most subs can relate to that break. The shift that heightens your senses, eases your heart and releases your fear. For me, it’s a fear that I’m not enough, but this moment has taught me (again) I am being punished because my Sir believes I’m worth everything to him.
Maybe it isn’t this way for everyone. For me, that release allows me to let go of that deed and the guilt that follows. It is a gift that he has taught me and he gives me permission to leave it.
Part of this release comes with having a good Dominant. You know after you are punished, it is done. He doesn’t rehash it or put it in your face. He’s forgiven you and it’s forgotten.... and as if you could forget it for one second he then follows your punishment with caring for you. Giving you what you need. Reminding you that you are worthy and loved.
This is why I feel completely authentic when I say, “Thank you Sir....”
