I was always the perfect child. Straight A’s, responsible, carried others burdens, went to church like a good girl, carried out drunk friends from parties, I was the defender of everyone, the “mom” in the group, copious amounts of extracurricular activities kept me busy but I still found time every morning to run 5 miles with the sunrise.... buried in a ridiculous amount of pressure I placed on myself.
But then..... every winter... I would find myself... I remember I would sneak out of my parent's house, strip down naked and jump into our freezing pool at night. Immediately, the warmth around my body was replaced by the slapping of the freezing water. There was no inch of my body spared. Shock strapped my body as I surfaced with a gasp my eyes opening wide as if trying to take in more of the moment.
Then I would start. Silently. My body moving fluidly with the water around me. Tingles starting at the tips of my fingers eventually turned into a steady burn. 1..... 2..... 3...... breath.... every time my head buried deep back into the water I had to force my lips between my teeth to keep them from chattering. Right before I felt like the cold just might strip me of my last breath, when the trembling reached the inside of my stomach, when my heart raced through the calm of my body, I would lift myself, arms shaking, out of the side of my reprieve.
Reprieve
noun
a cancellation or postponement of a punishment.
How ironic that I thought of this as my reprieve. Something most people would view as a punishment. Every summer I would lay dormant.... waiting to feel again.... waiting to breath.
For many years I found my solace in the winter water. Then I found myself as a sub and many years have passed without this lonely nightly ritual.
Being without a Dom over the last 11 months, I find that the colder those 5 am runs get, the more my body craves the familiarity of a nightly swim. The coming of winter both excites me and saddens me.
Last night I found myself sinking into the cold water like a lost friend. It swallowed me with such an intimate comfort. Such a strange place to come.... full circle after all these years.
I know I will find someone again. I also know I am happy enough where I am right now to be patient.
Today I find comfort in the fact that winter is coming...
