Troubled Thoughts

Love yourself and hydrate!

There are bits of me all over the place, across the world, in different continents, hemispheres, and in different times. All older versions of me. And I cannot tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

It isn't asked all the time but people ask me "Don't you ever think of your exes?" And my immediate response is always no. Personally, and you dear reader can agree or don't, I don't believe there is a point in dwelling on the past. The future is about an improved version of you, the present is about working on yourself, and the past is what helped you build up to now and that improving future. There's no point in reflecting upon failures of the past except to learn your lessons and move on. People that aren't a part of your present isn't around anymore for a reason.

But that doesn't mean some part of you isn't with them. Memories were made with them, special moments, things that cannot and should not be forgotten. So I guess the real answer is yes, I do think about them but in the oblique sense of "I remember a moment that I shared with a version of them that was important to a version of myself back then." But ain't nobody got time to hear all that. Succinctly, no, I don't think about them. Because the person that I knew and will forever be a part of me is someone completely different now. Just like the person they remember and will always be a part of their past is someone unrecognizable to me now.

And that's okay people. Not everyone has to be friends and has to keep in touch. I've only got so much time and energy left. I'd rather focus that on the one who wants to spend the rest of it with me. All of me, not just a piece.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!?

 Fellow Mr Amor posted a challenge about something kinky I wish to do.

I want to hold hands with a woman I like. IN PUBLIC

Was reminded of Butterfliesandcuffs' challenge just now from LongerJohnny's own wonderful contribution.

I have chosen this image below as the inspiration for my story.

As with a prior post, Trigger Warning for those with sexual abuse histories, this post will explore the CNC kink.

And away we go...

Annie lied awake, tossing and turning with frustration but dared not make more sound than that. He was right in the next room and she silently cursed the thin walls of her apartment. With the abnormally warm night not helping, she continued turning over and overthinking back to how stupid it was to let that one comment out earlier...

Earlier that evening Annie was hanging out with her one best friend she made from uni, Ethan who was older than her by a few years but that was never an obstacle to their friendship. They've always had that special connection where no matter the time spent apart, things picked right back up where they left it whenever they could find time for each other again and tonight was no exception. In fact, Annie had been looking forward to this for weeks as it had felt longer than usual since they last hung out. Dinner and drinks were great, the conversation was as wonderful as it could have been, it continued when they returned to her apartment as Ethan was going to spend the night since he lives so far away now. It just ended so awkwardly as they were pulling the futon out together.

Conversation had turned to each other's dating lives and Annie was complaining about hers as usual, nothing new, with Ethan sympathizing like the great friend he always is. Recalling the last failed date, Annie talked about how she was so glad she didn't tell that date about this futon since he refused to leave that night and she had to call the cops from her bathroom. Ethan was shocked by this and said that was horrible and sorry that it happened.

"I've had way worse than that," Annie let slip casually. A rare moment of truth and vulnerability. She caught herself right away and was thoroughly embarrassed. She couldn't handle the look of shock and pity that came from Ethan's eyes. "It happens to every woman, it wasn't that bad, seriously. I'm fine," was how she replied to those eyes. She felt so uncomfortable, she worked so hard to never let those memories ever have control over her ever again, she hated the pity look more than anything else.

"May I ask wha..." Ethan began to ask before he was cut off by her emphatic "NO!"

There was a brief awkward silence followed by a much softer "no, I don't want to talk about it. It's in the past, I'm over it."

And that was that, after asking if there was anything else he needed Annie excused herself to her room. Lying above her covers from the heat of her embarrassment and the evening air, she was just wondering if she should have offered Ethan something to combat it when there came a soft knock on her door. Quickly getting underneath her top cover, Annie said "Come in" and Ethan opened the door a crack. He was in nothing but his boxer briefs and said "I was wondering if you were still up."

Sitting down on the edge of her bed, Ethan looked deep into Annie's eyes and simply stated "Tell me what happened, you know you're safe with me right?" And he reached down to put his hand on her bare shoulder. It was true, Annie felt comfort, warmth, and most of all safety in that gesture. She opened up.

Not just about the first time at the concert on her 18th birthday, or the second time at the sorority sleepover, or even just the third and fourth. All of them, all the times in her life when she said no to the person and they continued against her will, when they wouldn't listen. By the end she was a gibbering crying mess, not just from the memories of bringing it all back but the shame of sharing it all with the one person she couldn't handle being pitied from. Her mouth couldn't stop however, she just kept rambling and spilling everything out, detail after embarrassing detail.

It was near the end when she shifted that she noticed it. During the course of the conversation she ended up shrinking further and further into a tiny ball in his lap. When she looked down she saw how hard and big Ethan had gotten through his boxer briefs. Immediately he was stammering an apology and Annie tried to reassure him. "Shush, it's okay. Really, sometimes when I think back on them I get turned on too..." And as if that was the green light to go, Ethan let out the most bestial groan and pushed her down further into the mattress.

In the fastest and easiest of movements he was on top of her, pinning her down with ease. Annie couldn't think of anything at that moment except how wonderful his cologne smelled, that heavy dose of cedarwood intoxicating her. Ethan just looked so... hungry at that point...

"Don't... please..." was all Annie could whimper out before Ethan slapped her. First across her small tits, then harder across the face. She cried out and tried to hold her cheek but Ethan easily kept her hands pinned together above her head with one hand, a surprising strength she never would have guessed he had. With his free hand that was just used to abuse her, it slipped easily into her tresses where they found a good handful and gripped, locking her head up so he could see her face completely, which was full of tears by this point.

And he kissed her. Not kissing back initially because of the shock and shame of the situation but the emotions gave way to an urge she didn't know she had. Their tongues explored each others' while she felt a confusing mix of disgust, need, violation, hunger, shame, and above all of them, desperation.

During this was when he let go of her hair and explored further down her body, to the shape of her neck, her hard nipples, the soft curves of her waist, and finally... "You're wet," Ethan commented, "what a good girl." And she was.

"What else happened to you?" He asked as first one finger penetrated her, then two. Annie was rotating her hips at this point, rutting herself on his hand, in tune to his rhythm and movements. She recalled a time when she was followed home from the bus stop, how she was bent over against a dumpster in an alley mere yards away from where they currently were. When the fingers stopped rubbing inside her, she paused her story too. "I didn't say stop," Ethan said as he took off his briefs and entered her finally.

It wasn't the longest she's had, but it was definitely one of the thickest. It hurt. It hurt so good with the burning, tearing sensation. And she endured it, continuing her rape story as she was currently being raped. There was a gentleness in the roughness, a surreal experience as she began to disassociate. She felt the deepest connection forming as he whispered sweet nothings into her ear, all the while having a complete out of body experience. Mind was racing with so many conflicted thoughts but her body was responding with complete certainty and focus in purpose. To satisfy him.

It was when he flipped them over, to have her riding on top of him that she completely went feral. Like a bitch in heat, she rode him furiously, clawing back at his chest and arms to find a good grip, knees and calves squeezing back at his waist and thighs. There was an almost animalistic howl as she screamed and orgasmed, a release of all these emotions and trauma. Ethan followed not long after, releasing deep inside her as he felt her literally milk his own cock with how much she was squeezing him.

Collapsing out of sheer exhaustion, both mentally and physically, Ethan cradled and cuddled Annie as she lied on top of his chest, weeping gently. Shushing and holding her tight, they fell asleep like that, her feeling safe and warm in his arms. She awoke with a start when the first rays of sunlight hit them, still in the same positions as when they first dozed off. Embarrassed again, she tried to move gently but he awoke with her and smiled sweetly as if he last night was just a dream. Kissing Annie's forehead and cuddling her, it did feel like a dream for a brief moment. Until he rolled on top of her and she felt how stiff he was again...

Annie became Ethan's soon after, even proudly calling herself his girlfriend to their small circle of friends. They never knew how hungrily he devoured her on a daily basis, that he never took no for an answer. That they kept that tiny little apartment, even after they moved in together several cities away. They would always find time to go back and celebrate that first night he claimed her...

Hey everyone, hope you're all enjoying the remaining hours of 2023 for all my friends to the right of me. For the ones to the left of me, be safe and responsible as you're  celebrating the new hours of 2024.

Doing something a little a different at this odd hour today. Not here to wish ill on others but rather to wish better for all. Try too respect yourselves first this year. Here's what I'll be doing and maybe it will resonate with you, maybe it won't.  More than free to scoff at what I'm about to say and move on. To you, I'm glad it doesn't apply to you friend, sincerely. For the rest of us, it's something I've learned the hard way this year that I need to change.

Respect your time man. If the other person won't put in the same time and effort, then it just ain't worth it. Yes, before everyone jumps down my throat, no two people's schedules are the same. I absolutely empathize and recognize that. To those people who jump straight to that, I hope you never find someone who won't respect your time. Because eventually there will be that one special person you want their attention from all the time. Where you take every opportunity you get to check your phone, hoping to see that little notification pop up on your screen with their name, that special moment where your heart flutters and you get excited to see their response and you respond, only to start that cycle of anxiety all over again. If the other person is into you, those excruciating eternities would be few and far between, because they're doing the same thing on the other end, hoping to end their torment as well.

Stop giving so many fucking chances. The old saying is true for a reason. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Stop accepting excuses when it becomes an obvious pattern of lies and deceit. If they really wanted to talk, they would have talked. If they really wanted to correct the situation, they would have apologized AS WELL as done whatever they were apologizing for, instead of just giving another excuse. Trust is earned buddy, not given.

This doesn't mean you're becoming jaded, you're protecting yourself. This is the hardest lesson learned. I've always been the one to wear my heart on my sleeve, to be vulnerable first, to dive in first and expose everything about myself in the hopeless romantic way of thinking "If I do it first, surely they will follow right?"

The sad truth is no, and stop calling yourself Shirley. Let them do it first from now on, let them earn it from now on. Stop giving your all right away when it has not been working for you at all.  Lesson learned good buddy, and I hope this resonates and helps those it was intended for.

Happy new year everyone, may it be a new, more healthy version of you.

It's hilarious how when people get called out for their behavior, they're so quick to try to prove otherwise.

There was a reason why you were called out, there's a reason why you feel the need to defend yourself. You are guilty for what is being said, own up to it and move along.

Nobody owes you anything

Just because they upload risque pictures or identify as a sub, does not mean you own them by default

If she comments on your post, it doesn't mean you own them

If she replies to your message, it doesn't mean you own them

If she has a polite conversation with you lasting longer than 12 minutes, it doesn't mean you own them

The entitlement y'all are showing is fucking embarrassing

There is nothing wrong with flirting and being playful, what crosses the line is when you start laying claim to people you have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO CLAIM

Submission is earned, not expected

Giving all of us Dominants a fucking bad name, Mr Rogers would be ashamed of y'all

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away

In the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

After having been not just part of our community but various other kink communities, both online and in person, it's surprising to me how much of an argument this can be. Just like everything else in life, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to practice your kinks with your partner. The only solid rule I can think of is also what most sane people would agree upon, as long as you're not hurting anyone else, you do you.

That means everyone involved should be a consenting member, IE don't be practicing a kink in public that involves an audience that didn't consent to be your audience. Before all you exhibitionists get in an uproar, I'm an exhibitionist myself and there's a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do it. Limit as many factors as possible of having the consenting audience and the non-consenting audience. There's a big difference between having public sex in an adult theater and fucking during the Friday showing of the next Pokemon movie. Fucking in a school playground in the middle of the city and being 30 feet off of a hiking trail in the middle of the Canadian Rockies.

Otherwise, stop yucking each other's yum. If all parties involved are doing it safely and all parties are consenting, why are you judging if I wear the top half of a horse costume and my partner is squeaking like a dolphin as they ride me? You don't see me coming in to your bedroom and judging the angle of your penetrations. But really dude, try 5 degrees more to the left, your back will thank me.