3 weeks ago. Jan 31, 2021, 11:35 PM
I see a lot of people posting about a lot of different things on how to make a LT D/s relationship work. All of them have their different reasons behind what they have written be it from psychological to personal experience. So here is my thoughts from a laymen's view.
We have all heard of R.A.C.K & S.S.C. so there is no reason to go into these although, we will venture into the C in both of these, just in a different aspect. Here are what I consider to be the 3 Pillars that all else is built upon. The 3 are Communication, Trust, and Consent (C.T.C.). The way I see it, these 3 are the Pillars of any relationship, not just in a D/s relationship or which ever dynamic you prefer. All 3 work in unison with the other and are just as important as the other. The Trinity if you please. So lets dive in, shall we.
Communication - Merriam Webster Dictionary defines Communication as follows:
a: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior also : exchange of information.
b: personal rapport
a: information communicated : information transmitted or conveyed.
b: a verbal or written message.
Communication is perlative between people. It gives others information about us, what we are feeling, what we are doing, how we perceive current situations. It can be done in many different forms, be it verbally and non-verbally. It can be a look, our body position, our facial expression. It can be done with words and the inflections that we give to them when speaking as well as the tone in our voices. These all give information to those that we are speak to.
When talking about communication in our relationships, it is important to be as clear and concise as you can as to leave no room for interpretation. You do not want to leave your partner guessing. I know for myself that I failed Mind Reading 101 and I could interpret something wrong if I am not given all the information or i do not understand what is being communicated. I also know that sometimes it can be hard to convey what it is that you are actually feeling or thinking. Even with that being said, one needs to tell there partner where they are at to the best of their ability so their partner gets it. This may mean explaining it different ways until you know that they understand. I know that I personally had to explain something a few times in different ways until I was sure that the person I was speaking with understood fully what I was saying. I deal with this in my day to day life. I can have a group of people that I say something to and each one will interpret what I said differently, some understanding and some not. Does this mean that my speaking skills are flawed? No it does not. I just means that not everyone understands the way I do and I need to revamp the way that I am giving my information so that they can understand. Even if that means I have to do it a few times in different ways. It is on me to make sure that they understand.
The other part of communication LISTENING. In order for communication to work, there has to be a sender and a receiver of information. Listening to your partner is imperative! Think about it this way. When we are online and we put in a search in Google. we are sending information and Google is listening and returns the information to our computer that is is listening. Now lets say that Google has a problem and we send the information but Google isn't listening. What happens is that we do not get the return information that we are looking for because we are not being heard. This is works the same in a relationship. If our partner is giving us information, it is our responsibility to listen and receive that information so that we can give the appropriate response and let them know that we are hearing them. It is also our responsibility to give them feedback as to what they are saying in order for them to know that we are receiving the information properly and understand what they are trying to convey. It is as simple as saying "Just to make sure I am understanding you...." or if you don't understand "I am not sure I understand what you are trying to get across, can you please re-explain so I can better understand?". This doesn't mean that you are dumb, it just means that the information wasn't given to you in a way that you fully understood it. It also doesn't mean that the person explaining it is dumb either, it just means that they communicate in a different way that you are learning to understand. This all takes time.
For me as a Dom, it is important that I communicate what I am looking for effectively so that my sub understands my direction. If she does not then she will not be able to do what I am looking for. This sometimes means that i need to explain the details. I am also responsible of explaining those details that involve our relationship. I am responsible to let her know how I feel and what is going on in my head. She is my submissive, she gave me her consent and deserves to know. Her consent is a Privilege and a Honor to have. So in order to protect that, it is my duty to keep her informed and to communicate with her about how I feel and what is going on with me physically, mentally, and emotionally. At the same time, it is also important for her to do the same. I want to know what is going on with her so that I can better understand where she is at. I want to know so that I can adjust what I am doing in order to meet her needs with where she is at in that moment. This is not only for the Dynamic, it is also because I care about her. Sometimes it is me giving direction and sometimes it is not. It might be that I just need to LISTEN to her and just be there to let her know that she is safe with me. And sometimes it is me telling her that I am here and I will protect her.
As a Dom, we also go through things. A lot of Dom's feel as if they communicate these things to their sub's that they will be viewed as a weak Dom. Know this though. There is nothing stronger than a Dom that can communicate to his sub when something is going on. It doesn't take strength to hide feelings and struggles. Real strength comes from admitting and talking about them with our partners. It is ok to discuss these things with them. If you ever have a partner that views this as weak, then they have no understanding and are not who you should be with for a relationship. If you ever run into a Dom or a sub that thinks like that, walk away. These are not, in my opinion, true Dom's or sub's. A true Dom is able to admit his weaknesses and a true sub will will lift her Dom up during those times.
Last thing, NEVER, and I mean NEVER, dismiss or devalue what your partner is going through at any time. It may seem like the situation is not that big of a deal or it is insignificant in "The Big Picture" however, this is not the case for your partner. They are the ones going through this right now. And right now this is a huge deal for them. Listen to them. Learn what is causing the situation. Give them the Safe Place to let them get it out. Be there for them and let them process it. Do Not Belittle the situation. Do not tell tell them that their situation is unfounded. Do Not tell them it is in their head. Situations, fears, concerns, and emotions are all valid to the person that is experiencing them. It is you that needs to understand. And know that you don't always have to try and "fix" it. sometimes it is good to just listen so they can get it out.
And if you are the one going through it, talk to your partner about it. Do not keep it from them because if you are with someone that truly cares, they will pickup on it and will ask. It is better to just talk about it and get it out in the open. Do Not get frustrated and irritated if they do not understand at first what you are trying to communicate. Remember to try and communicate as clearly as possible to not leave your partner guessing. Again, if your partner really cares, they will listen.
**As a side note, I have Psyche keeping a journal to write what is going on so that she can get it down in words so I can read it and gain understanding and reflect on it. I have also decided to do the same so that she can read it to understand where I am at on any given day. We do not use these for anything but to know where each other is at so that we can come from underneath on another and help to lift each other up. We will never use it as a weapon, even if we do not like what is being said. We will use it for self reflection and to adapt to each others needs. This may be helpful for those that find it hard to verbally communicate with their partners face to face.
I will Write soon about the remaining Pillars.