I was debating about accepting this challenge. I'm unable to focus on one emotion because for me one leads to another to another smh.
It starts off as fear then anxiety then failure then rejection. On a good day there is no anxiety. I remember ever being like this once back in 2009 (I almost miscarried ziva), Since then, I kept going through life feeling numb and always on the go.
Of course, as with anything in my life, i realized it stemmed from childhood, what the fuck doesn't? I never saw my mother as a bad mother until 3-4 years ago (she passed 1996 the day after i found out i was pregnant with my second daughter). I went through the grieving process (not quite sure about that) I was given custody of my youngest brother(13 at the time), pregnant and going through alot of shit. Too much to list believe me.
Fast forward, time warp, whatever you want to call it, to 2014-2015 when it finally life came to a halt. Relationship of 16 years ended, I never considered being in this relationship as a waste of time. I did bring about more fear, failure, rejection. Fear that now I had to deal with fallout with my kids about why the relationship ended (little did i know, they already knew) I knew about the side chick, the conversation was caught on my webcam. What i didnt know was that he told the side chick that i was stupid and didnt know anything. Too bad he was gone before i came back from my therapy appt, I had a few items with his name on them. Failure due to not being able to more, knowing when to walk away, notice the lies, etc alot sooner. Rejection because he didnt like the person i had become, a person he couldn't control with alcohol. I woke up from a nightmare and began living a new life (not without a more lies about me from him to the kids) For a long time, i would ask myself what i did wrong, why wasn't i good enough anymore? House was always clean, kids were taken care of, dinner ( he's still a picky sob) was always ready before the kids came home from school and before he left for work. Like really?????? What more could I have done???? For a long time I've hated him for what he has done it wasn't the cheating, it was the fact the he put ziva in the middle. He refused to do anything for her unless i slept with him. It went on until i finally was able to find a new place to live then turned his world upside down. He now sleeps on the couch lol and he helps with ziva alot more. ( and he's still not getting any lol)
I had a mental break in 2018, with that happening, alot of shit came to the surface that I could no longer keep pushed down. My mind was pandora's box, I couldnt keep stuffing shit in my mind and pretending it didn't exist anymore. I realized that i was actually my mother without even knowing it. Remembering incidents ( i already have the physical scars to remind me) hey so why not add a flashback or two.
Once again Fear resurfaced, I didnt understand what was going on with me, memories, faces, trauma that i didnt want to deal with anymore resurfaced. That's when shit about my mother( really bitch?) surfaced. I had to go through ALOT of therapy just to deal and what she has done to me since i was about 8 or 9. Failure for not being what she and other family members wanted me to be, not finishing college, dating outside my race (as nana had put it). Allowing them to control the major parts of my life because of Fear, rejection and conditioning. Which in turn I still feel like a failure after so many years and they're no longer alive for me to try to make them proud. I failed my children, I always said I wouldnt treat them the way I was treated. And it somehow i spent a majority of my life making up for it.
I failed my youngest brother because i couldnt continue to be his guardian, failed my middle brother because i couldnt' allow him to live with me any longer after they lost their apt. I even failed to keep a positive relationship with him after he blamed me for our mother's death. I just couldn't. He refuses to see the truth about what was done to me by her. I use to ask what else could i have said to make him believe me? The answer is not a damn thing. Rejection has been a part of my life for a very long time. I will never get over the feeling of being rejected by family, not so much by friends. Sometimes I ask myself what i have done so wrong that i had to go through what i went through.
I know i can't change the past, i try very hard for it not to affect my future. I'm doing my best to let of fear which causes anxiety which in turn makes me feel like a failure and end up being rejected or scared of being rejected. I've made a promise to do whatever it takes to be there for ziva, She doesnt see me as a failure or rejects me. when it comes to her I have no fear.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share a part of me that I thought i could never speak about again.