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Poems from the Heart

Poetry that i have written in the past and present.
10 hours ago. Apr 22, 2021, 6:12 AM

I was debating about accepting this challenge.  I'm unable to focus on one emotion because for me one leads to another to another smh.

It starts off as fear then anxiety then failure then rejection.  On a good day there is no anxiety.  I remember ever being like this once back in 2009 (I almost miscarried ziva), Since then, I kept going through life feeling numb and always on the go.

Of course, as with anything in my life, i realized it stemmed from childhood, what the fuck doesn't?  I never saw my mother as a bad mother until  3-4 years ago (she passed 1996  the day after i found out i was pregnant with my second daughter). I went through the grieving process (not quite sure about that) I was given custody of my youngest brother(13 at the time), pregnant and going through alot of shit.  Too much to list believe me.

Fast forward, time warp, whatever you want to call it, to 2014-2015 when it finally life came to a halt.  Relationship of 16 years ended, I never considered being in this relationship as a waste of time.  I did bring about more fear, failure, rejection. Fear that now I had to deal with fallout with my kids about why the relationship ended (little did i know, they already knew)  I knew about the side chick, the conversation was caught on my webcam.  What i didnt know was that he told the side chick that i was stupid and didnt know anything.  Too bad he was gone before i came back from my therapy appt, I had a few items with his name on them. Failure due to not being able to more, knowing when to walk away, notice the lies, etc alot sooner. Rejection because he didnt like the person i had become, a person he couldn't control with alcohol.  I woke up from a nightmare and began living a new life (not without a more lies about me from him to the kids)  For a long time, i would ask myself what i did wrong, why wasn't i good enough anymore? House was always clean, kids were taken care of, dinner ( he's still a picky sob) was always ready before the kids came home from school and before  he left for work. Like really?????? What more could I have done????  For a long time I've hated him for what he has done it wasn't the cheating, it was the fact the he put ziva in the middle. He refused to do anything for her unless i slept with him. It went on until i finally was able to find a new place to live then turned his world upside down. He now sleeps on the couch lol and he helps with ziva alot more. ( and he's still not getting any lol)

I had a mental break in 2018, with that happening, alot of shit came to the surface that I could no longer keep pushed down. My mind was pandora's box, I couldnt keep stuffing shit in my mind and pretending it didn't exist anymore. I realized that i was actually my mother without even knowing it. Remembering incidents ( i already have the physical scars to remind me) hey so why not add  a flashback or two.

Once again Fear resurfaced, I didnt understand what was going on with me, memories, faces, trauma that i didnt want to deal with anymore resurfaced.  That's when shit about my mother( really bitch?) surfaced. I had to go through ALOT  of therapy just to deal and what she has done to me since i was about 8 or 9. Failure for not being what she and other family members wanted me to be, not finishing college, dating outside my race (as nana had put it). Allowing them to control the major parts of my life because of Fear, rejection and conditioning. Which in turn I still feel like a failure after so many years and they're no longer alive for me to try to make them proud. I failed my children, I always said I wouldnt treat them the way I was treated.  And it somehow i spent a majority of my life making up for it.

I failed my youngest brother because i couldnt continue to be his guardian, failed my middle brother because i couldnt' allow him to live with me any longer after they lost their apt. I even failed to keep a positive relationship with him after he blamed me for our mother's death. I just couldn't.  He refuses to see the truth about what was done to me by her. I use to ask what else could i have said to make him believe me?  The answer is not a damn thing.  Rejection has been a part of my life for a very long time.  I will never get over the feeling of being rejected by family, not so much by friends.  Sometimes I ask myself what i have done so wrong that i had to go through what i went through.

I know i can't change the past, i try very hard for it not to affect my future.   I'm doing my best to let of fear which causes anxiety which in turn makes me feel like a failure and end up being rejected or scared of being rejected.   I've made a promise to do whatever it takes to be there for ziva, She doesnt see me as a failure or rejects me. when it comes to her I have no fear. 

 

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share a part of me that I thought i could never speak about again.

 

 

1 day ago. Apr 20, 2021, 6:38 PM

You took advantage of my love

You took advantage of my trust

You broke me down, I rose up from the darkness

You broke my heart, I will heal again

 

I will no longer lay down and believe your lies

Nothing but deceit spews from your mouth, heart and soul

One lie after another causing pain time and time again

 

No more comforting words

No more kindheartedness

You only offer betrayal

 

My broken heart and tortured soul will heal

My mind wondering what's next

 

I can and will survive

Someone will treasure me like you should have

For now, I'll treasure myself, love myself

Mending my heart and soul

2 days ago. Apr 20, 2021, 4:49 AM

Black roses blooming

Filling the air with their song of fragrance

Beautiful gown, sequins shimmering in the sunlight

Veil no longer hiding the smile 

Happiness made appear what depression could no longer keep hidden

Looks into the eyes of her true love

Took her broken soul and guided her to a world of ultimate happiness and love 

Promises.of keeping her safe from harm 

Will never break her

Will always love her 

Will go.to the end of the earth for her

She promises to trust him

Will never let anyone break her spirit again

Her will to.fight won't end

Her willingness to survive, love, and dream

To never doubt the sincerity, love and honor for her

Tears streaming down her face, she finally experiences her beautiful day.

 

 

 

 

3 days ago. Apr 19, 2021, 5:01 AM

Preface

Once upon a time there lived two young girls named Tiona and Charlette.  Their outlook on life was frowned upon my their families.  They were healers in their own right and saw good in everyone and everything.   They were loved by every man, woman, child, and animal who met them.  They were extraordinary gifted young girls, Charlette’s gift wasn’t seen by anyone but Tiona.   She promised that nothing and no one will harm her.  Unfortunately, Tiona’s promised was very hard to keep, she has fought every demon attacking her friend even taking her place even when Charlette wasn't strong enough to fight.  Tiona was so powerful that her own mother couldn’t stand it and became very jealous. This is Tiona's story.

CHAPTER 1

A chain of events happened before tiona was conceived.  Her mother( Lillian) was having visions about a little girl who becomes a powerful healer changing the lives of many. God came to her in a dream and said “ I entrust you with a special gift, a rainbow child. A child that I need in the world to complete the mission I have set aside for her”. She is the chosen one, the golden child. The healer of sinners and saints.  From that point on, she started to become more cautious of preventing pregnancy.  She didn’t want the responsibility of having to care for a “special hild” or any other child for that matter due to a previous loss.  Lillian went on to modelling school to pursue a modelling career then it happened, one night of passion led to pregnancy.

 

Lillian went to seek advice from a “witch” who lived in Harlem. She didn’t want this pregnancy, nor has she forgotten the dream and the message that was told to her, fuck it, I want to go to Paris.  On the corner of 116th street was a hidden door no one on the outside was able to see, she asked around where she could find the witch that would be able to help her.  Being shown the way, she finally saw the door and walked in, smelled of fragrance and garlic, humming was heard in the back of the store.  All of a sudden, the sound of glass breaking startled Lillian, a heavy set woman, with black hair and eyes filled with fire, GET OUT!! GET OUT!!, I WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH GOD’S PLAN!!!! Lillian starts to stutter, trying to get the words out, but…. But….. I…… I…. need help!!!!!! NO!!! the witch shouted, praying for the unborn child asking for the ultimate protection of God’s chosen one.   Lillian standing there in awe, “How do you know”?  I feel her essence, she is not to be harmed in any way, do as God says you hear me? Lillian ran out as fast as she could, what is she going to do? Young and unable to provide for a child that she doesn’t want.  She went to the next person that would help, her own mother. A mother only by title, put her through hell. She had no one else to turn to for help.Lillian asked her mother for assistance, no her mother shouted. I’m not going to help you kill a baby, a gift from God.

Days, then weeks went by and Lillian couldn’t hide it anymore.  Walking along 125th street a woman came up to her and said, I will help you, no guarantees that the solutions will work. For this child is protected and should in no way be harmed. I will try.  Lillian follows her into an apartment building smelling of urine, fish and other odors that would make anyone sick.  She walks into an apartment.  The lady motions her to sit down at the table, then hands her a glass with a mixture of bleach with baking soda, bleach with vinegar, vinegar with baking soda to name a few of the potions that were given.  Lillian gets up and walks out the apartment then finds herself at the top of a flight of stairs. She throws herself down the stairs. 

 

During this time God heard the cries of this unborn child, why, why is she doing this to me???!!!!???? I didnt ask to be here or ask her to be my mother like the other little girl.  God said dont worry my child, you'll be protected, you're family, you're friends, all that you come in contact with you.  They will all be protected. Don't worry Tiona you'll be watched over..

 

Well, the woman who lived in the apartment  heard what God said to the unborn child and decided to change her name so she wouldn't be protected at all by God or His Angels.  LIttle did the she know, God was way ahead of her.  When the beautiful baby girl was born, she put a smile on the faces of all the nurses and doctors. Her mother wasn't too happy about how everyone adored this little girl, this bright light that was brought into the world.  "How dare you take away the attention that's for me"!!! Her mom ignored her cries, for attention, for food, for love.  Her mother molested her with different objects. This helpless little girl did not cry, just looked at her.  Lillian not realizing  that an angel took her place in times of distress. As time went by, Lillian didn’t want to be bothered with her at all.  She was passed around from family member to family member. Shut her up, Lillian yelled,as she was getting ready to go out ,she wont stop fucking crying.

 

A year later her mother went against God's plan once again had her christened under a different name not legally hers, during the ceremony, as the pastor was praying for protection of this child, her evil mother called upon Satan and gave her daughter to him, when Satan realized who the child is, he ran to God and delivered the disturbing news.  don't worry my son, all is well.  Satan didnt understand what he meant so he decided to secretly keep watch over her, not stepping in or else the chain of events will be altered.  He saw so many events that made him, smile, laugh, cry, become angered.  He so much wanted to protect her from the molestations at a young age. It broke his heart, he cried at how such a beautiful soul could be hated by her own mother.

 

TO BE CONTINUED......

3 days ago. Apr 18, 2021, 9:49 PM

She walks  along the beach in the moonlight

She stills hears the whispers of those staring and pointing 

The troubled maiden falls to her knees and begins to weep

 

In the distance she hears "My child, why so troubled?

Lifting her head, there is nothing but darkness

I don't belong here, I'm not like the others

The staring, pointing, whispering is more than i can bear

Worry no more, the pain is for you to become stronger than you could ever be

I chose you above all others

 

Why me? Why now? Tell me please!!!!!

A soothing breeze brushes against her face

A hand appears from the darkness

Stand, my child, soon all will be revealed

 

As she stands, the moonlight reveals a disturbing sight

Eyes full of pain, filled with tears

He allows her to wipe them away (something he has never done with anyone else)

Understand this, you have touched this evil heart, made it feel something it has never felt before

No other maiden has been able to give me what you have given

You have been chosen........

 

 

 

 

4 days ago. Apr 17, 2021, 6:06 PM

For the past.couple of days, there were baby items/clothing in the lobby 

I posted the swing/bouncer in the local donation group. So I set those aside until I receive a response (I didn't want the superintendent to throw them out).

Today,  I saw the bag.of clothing strewn all over the place, it drove me nuts. I knew it was clothing for a baby boy. As I was, putting everything back in the bag I saw two cute.little onesies (first stab) then I started to look through all the clothing. Why? I don't know. Maybe to see how much I have healed from my losses. I came across this tie dyed onesie for a girl, then it fucking hit me, i quickly pushed down the grief resurfacing.

Even as I write this, i had to stop and get a handle of the tears, the grief, anger, resentment, that I keep running away from. I now realize I really haven't grieved, I sucked it.up and kept moving forward.  Today is the day God needed to.let me know that I have to stop running. FUCK!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭

5 days ago. Apr 16, 2021, 9:15 PM

(judge)The jealousy towards you ran through her veins

Causing nothing but torment from a young age

(L) No jealousy towards my children, I'm not my mother, 

(judge) She sold you to the highest bidder

Gave excuses as to why

(LM) I was young, I had no other choice, I wanted to be loved, they wanted her not me

(L) You destroyed my childhood, let others take me for their own needs, i still remember their faces

No excuses, you knew what you were doing.  You didn't want me, you should have given me away.

(A) He wasn't speaking to either of you, I'm the one whose life you have destroyed. I lived my life being what you wanted me to be. Lived my life being a replacement. Giving me to others so they can stay around. One such person was man enough to walk away.  I have lost so much of myself because of you. Broke me down every chance you had, you didn't like what you saw in me.  I became the chosen one, you saw something i didnt know at the time. Now I know, now I see.  All you wanted was me to be so broken that I would never be able to complete the mission that I was given. 

Now, I'm standing in front of all of you and the light within me is too bright for your eyes, your empty souls. You gave it your all in life and in death and I still came out on top. All Generational curses have been healed and you can no longer hurt me or the ones i love. I'm neither L, LE, or E. You can all go directly to hell, the Judge awaits you, *points to stairs leading down*

Judge, I would like to thank you giving me this time to say mostly what is important at this time. If you ever need me again, you know how to get a hold of me *wink*

 

5 days ago. Apr 16, 2021, 6:01 PM

Waiting for you to come home

The animal within hungers for freedom

Your scent still in the air

I hear your car miles away

The desire to pounce getting stronger with every passing moment

I begin to transform into the animal that has to stay contained

There would be no mercy for you

I will attack, leaving no time for your reaction

You walk through the door

I pounce, ripping off your clothes

You up against the very door you walked through

I enjoy every inch of my prey

His scent, his moans

The prey soon releases himself to  the animal he so desires

 

 

 

6 days ago. Apr 15, 2021, 6:25 PM

See the frighten woman in the delivery room

Giving birth to a baby she carried for 6 months

Hear the prayers for her child to be born healthy and strong

Hear her ask God, not taker her baby away

See the baby brought in this world

Hear the silence

See the doctor try to save the helpless little one

See her burst into tears

Hear her screams of grief

See her in the rocking chair

Hear the sweet lullabye

See the tears, feel the pain, the grief, the unhappiness

 

6 days ago. Apr 15, 2021, 6:19 PM

1: My favourite childhood toy.
Holly Hobby oven, I still have it, I believe it will still cook those mini cakes

2: favourite album
Culture Club's colour by numbers, pink Floyd the wall/dark side of the moon, GNR appetite for destruction, U2 (all of them) just cant choose one 

3: Favourite childhood TV show

Transformers, He-Man, Wonder Woman

4: First film at the cinema
Joni (81-82) (life about Joni Eareckson) I still remember how I felt when she dove into the lake

5: First crush Celebrity and Personal
George Michael and a boy from junior high school

6: Favourite animal
Panther would love to a tattoo of one someday

7: Favourite film
An American werewolf in London, Stand by Me

8: First kiss who and where
It was forgettable

9: First real contact with the Kink world
xxx stores in nyc.

10: Only one person to be left on a Island with for a year, without any technology.
it would have to be 2, the love of my life and my daughter

Thanks for participating and giving us a glimpse into your world.