Poems and more from the Heart, Soul, Mind and Spirit

I had  made the decision to walk away from the lifestyle for a couple of good reasons.  One of them being no one is honest or could be honest even if they tried. I felt I was asking for too much asking a Dom for honesty as I was able to be honest and transparent.  I came across abusers, liars, egotistical closed minded people who thought they actually knew they were the gift to all subs on earth. Immature, money hungry fuck boys who expected submission right away. . 

I was emotionally destroyed to the point  I decided that this isn't for me because now  I know that I probably will never trust another man ever again.  I worked so hard to relearn how to trust and that was taken away.  I was taken advantage of due to me not knowing much about the lifestyle.  My heart was ripped out and handed back to me.  Now I'm back on the journey of loving my self as well as trusting myself and the decisions I make from this point on.  I have gotten to the stage of forgiveness but I will never forget who, what, where, and how i was made to feel.

Thank you all for welcoming me. Maybe one day I will be able to come back for good.

P.s. beware, the most mystical creatures are the ones that will tear you apart.

As I was getting the laundry together this morning, I decided to.go to thr new laundromat which is further than the usual one I go to.  I began to think, what if L saw me walk past? What will he think? Will he start to.doubt the success of the  business?  So many thoughts/questions  came.to mind. I've been a loyal customer since I moved into this town, even when it closed due to being sold, I supported his other location during the sale.  Even though it there's a new owner, nothing much has changed to keep customers but I still supported the business.  Until....another laundromat that I avoided, was sold and  remodeled. It was so.inviting and relaxing. Free.coffee, tea, soft music,  similar to the environment of Starbucks, but better.

With that said, I realized how loyal I am to the wrong and right people.  In my lifetime, I can recall  about 5 or 6 times of me being disloyal to someone (including sexual relationships)  I stayed loyal to someone knowing that they didn't deserve my loyalty. It made them happy while I was miserable missing out on other opportunities the Universe sent my way that gave me a sliver of happiness and peace.  I.told my friend/sub, I won't be looking for another sub. Once I become sexually active with someone, that's  it. I refuse.to sleep.with anyone else. (I should have stuck to that) When I sat down qnd spoke with him about it, i.told him I don't know why I did. He was very understanding and put the situation in a different light. He told me, deep.down inside you wanted to see if that is what you really wanted.  Honestly, i.didn't.  I knew what was going to happen afterwards so why be loyal to that person?   I cut ties on all aspects, walked away feeling peaceful and happy for a change.  Since then, I have been loyal and it will stay that way until something changes.between my friend/sub and I.  Enjoying relaxing evenings by the fire  watching a movie qnd having a beer or.two, is.the best thing that has happened.to.me since discovering who.I am.

Moral of the story is...not very one deserves your loyalty when the same.cannot be returned. Make time.for those who make time.for.you.  The universe will send someone better, someone.who can fulfill your needs, and not.rob you peace and happiness along the way.. just need.to be patient.. Finally, you deserve peace and happiness, don't allow anyone to.take/keep that away from you.

When a supportive person comes into your life, don't let them go. You just don't know how much they will help you heal and grow. Yesterday I had a long shopping trip, and I thought about calling someone to come pick me up on their way home from work since they'll be going in the same direction and I was very tired.  I changed my mind for numerous reasons especially the reason of being an inconvenience.

At the end of each day I would ask how this person is and how their day went and in return asked about mine.  So I gave them the rundown ( hell, i became even more tired repeating my day lol)   I was asked why didn't I call them and they would have gladly have picked me up and taken me home, it was no problem at all.  At first, I didnt tell him the real reason why I didn't then I thought to myself, it's ok to open up.  I told him that i felt i was being an inconvenience to him (if that makes sense) . Well.... needless to say he put me in my place letting me know that I can call him anytime I need him and if he's unable to be there for me, he will let me know.  At that point I began to cry,  I have never in my life felt I was an inconvenience to anyone until this past year where it hit me and hit me hard, opening my eyes once again to truths that  I have been ignoring.    His words actually helped me to work on  not feeling this  way anymore.

Today, I called him to pick me up from where I spent most of my day.  This time I didn't fight myself as much, so that was good start.  He said yes 😄 i was ready by the time he got there.  He also helped me with all the bags I had, it's been a long time that someone is willing to give their time and energy without anything in return ( we had that discussion as well).  I enjoy spending time with him, sitting by the fire talking about anything and everything. Little by little I will let my guard down which is not an easy task because i'm so guarded, I self-sabotage to keep from getting hurt like before.

So keep in mind, when the Universe, Higher power etc sends you someone during a turbulent time in your life, don't let them go.  You never know why they have been sent to you.  I now understand why this person was sent to me.

When I saw this challenge, so many songs and memories came to mind.  Picking just one is so damn difficult lol  So, what I'm going to do is make it a medley. These songs remind me of the times when my kids and i would do the choreography  in the videos.  It brought us together no matter how bad things got, music was the one thing we all had in common and enjoyed

The songs were:  MEN IN BLACK, BYE BYE BYE AND LOSE MY BREATH.  We attempted the choreography for wild wild west and that was a no go lol

I miss these days.  RIP MICHAEL

Maybe we should do a challenge where we do choreography from our fave videos.  hmmmmm lol

As the new year comes.closer, some of us will be reflecting on the year we have left behind.  

Look forward to better days ahead, changes that we're going ro make within ourselves.  We cannot change others, not one bit. 

Take care of yourselves, self care is very important on all aspects. Don't be afraid to speak your mind, use your voice, walk away from toxic people and situations. Be free, be happy, be yourself and fuck what anyone says who you're suppose to be.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MANY CONTINUED BLESSINGS. MAY YOU ALL HAVE A PROSPEROUS ONE ((HUGS))

Don't you love when topics that need to spoken about come to you while you're in a deep sleep?  I love it, believe me I do.

Well, the topic of ghosting so happily decided to stop by the other night while trying to keep my brain from running wild while asleep.  Even the freakin song started playing smh.

Here it goes..... What is the purpose of ghosting, why do people do it?  I've noticed on this site and others that this is a common practice. Which to me is really a fucked up thing to do. Does the person realize the severe mental/emotional/psychological/physical damage it can cause in some people?  Why reach out, form a connection and become casper in a day or two? Is it because your ego was stroked to the point of satisfaction and you no longer needed that person to inflate your ego?  The excuses that come to mind (these are possible imho to say in place of ghosting) I was too busy to keep the connection going, I felt we weren't compatible, I'm sorry but....... say anything as long as it's the TRUTH.  I've seen it stated and being told that HONESTY is very important. Where the fuck is it?  Half the time I can spot a liar a mile away. If you can't be honest then you need to stay where the hell you are and not interact with others.

What is the point of ghosting someone who you formed/have connection with? The other person feeling that this could be going somewhere and **POOF** leaving that person in a state of doubt, causing insecure feelings within themselves, beginning a constant loop of not being good enough, not only for you but for others and well as themselves.  Some people become depressed, anxious about trusting anyone else (hence adding to existent trust issues).  Do you see where this is going?  Do you see the damage that it has caused?  All because you needed your  ego to be inflated to the point that you can feel proud of yourself, feeling like a peacock displaying it colorful feathers strutting down a dirt path.  Was it worth it? How does that make you feel knowing that this is the kind of damage you can cause of person with your ghosting?  Do you realize that this can cause a person to have a mental breakdown if they are unable to get themselves out of this loop?   Hmmm maybe you do and you're enjoying how they're reacting, continuing to reach out with no response.  That makes you a total dick. Are you proud of yourself now that you know the damage this does? If you can count all the people that you have ghosted, what would you do?  Would you reach out and apologize for your fucked up actions or are you too proud to admit that you fucked up royally?  How about this, do you understand that playing with a person's emotions/mental capacity to fulfill your egotistical needs is a dangerous thing?  How many became suicidal?  How many disappeared not only from the LS but from family and friends?  How NO ONE in their life can be trusted.

Now this may hurt a few egos and I really don't give a fuck. I ran out of fucks when this topic had to be spoken about.  How come DOMS (I haven't come across any dommes) are the main ones that do this shit. If this is a common practice for you, then you need to back away slowly and re evaluate your life and see the damage you have caused.  But hey, I know your ego won't allow you to so......

To those who have been ghosted, remember this...IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THEM!!!!! YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, BOLD ENOUGH AND SURE AS HELL BRAVE ENOUGH.  BEING TOO MUCH TO HANDLE IS NOT A BAD THING. STAND IN YOUR POWER AND DON'T LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU DON'T FIT INTO THEIR BOX OF WHAT YOU SHOULD BE

Dear Santa,

I know you have come and gone, but I would like you make an exception and start working on this

Lately, I've been thinking more of my last post, even more so these past couple of days.  Please help us be more diligent of knowing and recognizing the signs of abuse even the silent ones.  Help us listen to our intuition/gut feeling when something isn't right, it isn't.

We need to get together as a community and be the  voices for those afraid to use their own out of fear, afraid that no one will understand or help. To provide that safe space, comfort, strength, guidance and hope for those in a position where they can't see a way out alive.  We need to say enough is enough and take action and stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that things will change.  Change happens with action not sitting back and hoping that either party will take that critical step to change the situation.

I've seen a lot of hurt during my lifetime, even as a child.  I remember my mother trying to help a woman who was being severely abused.  We got in the car and drove to her residence, I could see her friend looking out of the window a look on her face I will never forget.  She looked defeated, hopeless.  I didn't see what my mother was doing or trying to do.  After awhile, my mom drove away.  I waved goodbye (like all kids)not knowing what the outcome would be. I still wonder about her at times, if she was able to get away, if so, how?  I never saw her again after that day. I remember coming downstairs and seeing my stepfather burn my mother with a knife, I don't remember what happened after that, I think i ran into the kitchen and told him to stop hurting her.  Even as a kid (about 9 yrs old), i didn't run away from the fire.

Help us to stop normalizing abuse in AND out of the  the LS.  I came across a post on fb (let me see if I can remember it correctly) the poster was asking about samples of contracts they that can use.  One comment stated were that they are legally worthless, another stated they're useless because there is a gray line of not being able to" consent to being a sex slave and beaten by your master", another comment mentioned that it's similar to blackmail.   I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that. 

Help us, guide us, teach us to know there are many types of abuse, the silent treatment, ghosting, telling someone that what they seek, who they are/strong desire to be  is not for them/should be reconsidered is mental and psychological abuse which leads into being emotional abuse and continues to spiral downwards and the outcome not a good one.  I don't care how experienced or inexperienced someone is on either side of the table, shit like this shouldn't be said.  You're trying to fit someone in a box that they don't need to be in.  Look at it this way,  did we like when our parents or other relatives kept putting us in their boxes? How they feel we should be?  Living our lives to their standards, not our own. Being told that what we want in life isn't for us and we need to be XYZ instead.  How did it make you feel? What rollercoaster ride of emotions did you go through?  Do you get it now?  No? Here's another example, you do everything right in the eyes of those you feel you need to please, and still be told that's not good enough, you'll never be good enough to be........

Also, there is financial abuse which also leads to mental, emotional down fall/abuse (now I understand, there are some who have tpe which includes financial control which is agreed upon)  What if it's not? Being forced to give up financial information that keeps you bound to that person. Unable to get away, losing all that you have worked for, not being able to buy groceries without permission?  the other party living life on your dime, your hard earned money. While you're struggling, you become depressed, feeling hopeless.

My point is santa......abuse comes in all forms, one leads into another into another. No one consents to being abused. If I had the opportunity/resources, I would  start an organization  to help victims (doesn't matter if they're in the LS or not) get the help they need and be able to set up an account strictly for travel expenses & bail money.  WE both know this is one of the reasons why I haven't totally lost my shit and fuck people up like I need to ( I have a list of names) THE TIME IS NOW TO TAKE ACTION. WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER.

Love Always,

P.S. Where's my coquito?

I was thinking about doing the letter to santa challenge, then I decided what came to mind wouldn't be for me at all.  It would be for those who are in situations who are having difficulty leaving. Those who are being manipulated and abused mentally, psychologically, emotionally, physically.  Asking for them to gain the strength to free themselves for their well being, especially their mental health.   To be able to realize their worthiness to have a better and sane life, a life where freedom is so needed and  desired.  Those who keep telling themselves it will get better, they will change, they didn't mean to etc. Those who were taken and kept away from family and friends to keep them from having a support system.  I've seen it so many times and it's heartbreaking. Being broken down to nothing, made to be nothing for the other person to control and do as they wish to continue to control to an unbelievable level of harm on the above aspects. 

We should stop being silent when we see/hear/know of a situation. You may say, been there, done that, they keep going back to them etc. Know this, if you were manipulated/controlled into thinking that you cannot live, survive without them. keeping the person in a position of helplessness and completely controlled, unable to think logically on their own, that was stripped away along with what made them who they are.   Reflect, go deeper to get a better understanding. 

Now, that I finally stopped crying with happiness, I'm going to speak from the very depths of my soul. My sub and I have a very unique and special relationship. We have vented to one another, grew together on certain aspects, even taught me a couple of new skills.  

A little while ago as he was dropping of donations for a community group I'm a part of, he handed me a gift. I wasn't expecting anything from him, I was the one that was going to get him a gift. I knew exactly what to get him. As he handed me my gift, he stated that there were rules, well a.rule. for me not to get him anything for Christmas, he doesn't need anything, he's good.  Now while.he was saying this I'm thinking I'm going to get him something anyway, until he said I won't speak to.you if you do then I'm like aww man.  Anyone who knows.me very well, im a giver, I give to everyone. Do.you know how hard this is going to be for me lol. So I agreed no gift,  he was serious, he said get something.for the little one(ziva) instead. 

It felt heavy, he said I'm going  to have fun with it (you know where my mind went lol). Said my thank yous, gave him a kiss and we parted ways. I opened my gift and immediately the tears began to fall. Guys he bought me a fire HD tablet!!!!  I have never in my life received a surprised gift that made this emotional  before.  Outside of being an amazing sub he's an amazing friend, teacher, confidante, and more.  He's definitely one in a million, Heaven, Universe all things spiritual, knew what they were doing. I.just had to trust, heal, let go and move forward with renewed love for amd within myself. I couldn't have asked for a better person.to walk into my life when I needed them the most. The best is yet to come 😊

As the new year approaches, there have learned many lessons this year.  Some more valuable than others.  I have learned more about myself through rediscovery, I'm proud of who I am and how far I have come.  I'm proud that i refuse to be put into anyone's box, stunting my growth. Either we grow together or you go on your way.  I'm not going to allow anyone to tell me who I'm supposed to be, how to be according to your world.

I may not know what the future holds, I will embrace it with open arms and a smile on my face. No matter what, I have a great support system of those who love and care for me. No regrets (well I try not to have any), there's so much to love, learn and enjoy.  Spending time with friends and family and their new additions 😄 Learning to love someone again isn't easy, loving myself more wasn't. Setting boundaries, self-care are very important.  I'll keep writing, moving forward and enjoying life no matter what it throws at me.  Facing and overcoming obstacles with my head held high.  I'm learning how to believe those red flags, paying closer  attention to words and actions that have ill intent behind them. Using my head more than my heart might be my downfall, I refuse to be hurt that deeply ever again.

I will continue to choose my words with love and kindness........ nah I'm going to be sarcastic and tell you to fuck off, shove a steel studded dildo up your ass and rotate while i sashay away. I'll also be returning the same energy I receive from others. No more bending over backwards, forwards or sideways for those who don't deserve it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE :)