A moment and then another

These are healing tears. They are the purging of pain and my expression of gratitude. They are evidence that I have opened my wounds - some old and some new, the same patterned spiral with the same question - how did I end up here, again? Déjà vu. The same but different.

Will I tell myself the same thing? Never again. I will see. I will know better. I will listen.

But do you know what? There’s going to be more pain and more struggle. But I can trust; I have proof; I just forget. Because of the pain. But the pain is beauty, if I let go.

So open the doors: purge, release, bleed, cry, rest.

Let the light in.

Let love in.

Let yourself be taken care of.

Let yourself be little.

Let go.

Eat this blessed food.

And swim in this blessed water.

Cry an ocean of tears.

Let the ocean take you.

Thank you,

I love you.

🖤✨

Everything seemed too curated - insignificant things - things outside my sphere - soulless, popular, constructed. I was irritated by the too perfect, the flawlessness.

What do I care?

For a moment I raged, complained, thought myself superior to the superficial

And then I caught myself…

It’s a mirror, it’s projection, it’s ego:

It’s the anxiety spiral born out of attempts to control the chaos, to distance myself from the messiness

To pretend - my own moral tyranny trap.

Fuck, how do I always end up back in the game - lost?! Try too hard and the scales tip. When did I plug all these holes? Construct this armour, store away the pain till it was seeping out crevices? I didn’t have enough moisture to cry out the mess despite all the tears.

Caught on a hamster wheel trying to be… what? Cultivated? Neat? Together? Too good to be true?

But in seeing the curated and the absence of human soul…

I realised I need to be messy, beautifully undone,

and I have the perfect place for that…

Gag in mouth, water overflowing, helpless, useless, limp, incapable, a complete mess, an insignificant thing.

My ego cut loose, so it’s time to let go and get messy. How could I forget, you dirt-loving whore?! ✨🌻

I’ve been holding onto this for a while but I suspect there would be a few fans here.

I was privileged enough to attend a Vivienne Westwood and Rei Kawakubo exhibition. I wasn’t a fan of the pairing but I loved seeing Westwood’s garments in person. The fabrics were phenomenal and the designs held some wonderful inspiration.

Kawakubo

How wonderful it was

Still wanted to see more tartan. I’m lucky enough to have a few good quality tartan pieces ❤️🖤

Because of confusions and perceptions, I have a complex relationship with rules. It takes a special person and approach with me. Slowly. I am in a process of unlearning what harms me and learning what helps me.

In reading ‘The Creative Act: A Way of Being’, I am developing an attitude; a way of being. I have found it not only informs my art practice, but also my submissive, relational and life practice. (Because it’s all learning through play, right?!)

The chapter ‘Temporary Rules’ (pg 207) has been enlightening and I share the following quotes in the context of power exchange dynamics.

“A rule is a way of structuring awareness.”

Rick Rubin states that often “the artistic process involves ignoring rules, letting go of rules, undermining rules, and rooting out rules that we didn’t know we were following”. I understand this to be the rules that are not serving us well. He then goes on to say that, “there is a place for imposing rules”. It is important to note that he is talking about self-imposed (aka negotiated) rules.

“When there are no material, time, and budget constraints, you have unlimited options. When you accept limitations, your range of choices is reduced. Whether imposed by design or by necessity, it’s helpful to see limitations as opportunities.”

“Novel problems lead to original solutions.”

“The rules of baseball or basketball define the game and are rarely altered. Innovation exists only within those rules. As artists, we get to create a new set of rules each and every time we play.” (negotiations as ongoing) “After careful consideration, we may choose to break them in the midst of a project if a discovery impels us. While it’s easy to make these changes, there’s little use to rules if they are not taken seriously.”

“There are no bad rules or good rules. Only rules that fit the situation and serve the art, or those that don’t.” I just love that statement and it fits so perfectly with the framework of power exchange dynamics.

He goes on to discuss how rules can be imposed based on needs and growth … to “set parameters that force you out of your comfort zone”, because it’s ultimately about establishing intentional patterns of behaviour and/or removing unwanted behaviours.

Rules are invisible restraints that dictate where focus should be according to the intended outcome. That is discipline and control at it’s best 😈✨

I need reminders

Ways of remembering

What matters

Every day, in the depths of illusion,

How easily I swallow, 

How easily I forget

How easily I stray

From myself

And what matters

Maurice Sendak’s little-known 1960 illustrations for The Velveteen Rabbit.

You’ve been lying to yourself again - in denial. Somewhere in between righteousness, self-pity, complacency and escapism, it took hold and you didn’t want to face it. So you projected, blamed, made excuses and ran away.

But Truth has a way of showing up.

You keep pushing away the hard things, telling yourself you will deal with it another day. A day turns into a week, a week into a month, a month into…

And then… you’re sick of running. You cannot ignore the signs any longer. You didn’t pull yourself up out of the depths to slowly fall back into a wasteland.

So you accept the discomfort, boredom, reality and unreality.

Instead of falling, smashing on pavement broken and bloodied, you lower yourself back down to the ground and begin again.

You find stillness and strength. You find comfort in acceptance. And you renegotiate your relationship with Real.

Message me

1. I’m very happily taken

2. You don’t have a profile 

3. Look dodgy as hell

4. I’m bored with your words

5. I am not an idiot - been there, done that

6. I’m secure in myself and relationships and it’s sad to think that this approach actually lands

7. Learn how to get someone’s attention

8. Put effort in (laws of physics yada yada)

10. Your non-communication communication is the greatest source of information about you 

Normally, I wouldn’t but FFS!

Ultimately, because it is so enriching in my life. It makes me shine.

Initially, I fell into it – I presume a bit by chance and a bit by destiny – and it was the novelty and those feel-good chemicals that got me hooked. I started this journey for all the wrong reasons – to fill a void, to feel, to be desired, to be reckless, distraction, avoidance, desperation, stimulation, attention, a kind of externalising of pain, seeking release.

It changed; there was a process, a journey of self-discovery, BDSM, healing, solitude, learning and growing.  My ‘why’, what draws me to submission, is the depth of experience, sensation and connection to the world, and now, to another soul who sees, knows and cherishes me. I want to feel deeply that I belong, am valued, am lusted after, am respected, cared for, appreciated while directing my own desire, devotion, sexual expression and naked self in reciprocal exchange with someone who nourishes me. For me, submission is now bound to my way to live and be. It guides and constantly keeps me in check with my purpose, positioning me to hear that which can only be heard in humility, acceptance and grace.

3 years of slow, carefully tended to creation. The depth of experience and fulfillment directly proportional to the depth of submission and intimacy, built and tended to over time. A complementary attraction magnetically aligned – found.

3 years of consistency, attention, respect, patience, guidance, care, knowing, curiosity, exploration, joy, pleasure, celebration, beauty, maturity, inspiration, growth, gratitude, communication, clarity, warmth, contentment, belonging, acceptance, support, connection, desire, satisfaction, longing, attraction, autonomy, admiration, bliss, adoration, learning, discovery, wonder…

and as time moves, the embodiment of my submission and extent of devotion, His nurturing and attentiveness, clarity, sincerity and gentle guidance, seems to only deepen and satiate more.

My submission has come to be emotional, spiritual and somewhat existential; it’s more of my art – the art of living in fullness.