The owl of Minerva

It has been Monday, and then Tuesday, and then Wednesday again...

The world hasn't ended, and I still find myself placidly sipping my coffee while fighting with my busy mind, at the end of another day. The human quality of - just - moving forward by inertia, no matter what. You will find that life doesn't care much.

My Master has gone, but the world hasn't ended. I feel a bit queasy when, every now and again, the thought of him surprises me and still hits me with that gut-wrenching feeling. Quite the physical manifestation, for what is supposed to be emotional pain.

I manage to do okay, most of the times. I function, do my things, read, educate myself. I cultivate that sub's vulnerable seed which has been left unsheltered and uncared for.. I do it as the ultimate act of self-care.
It doesn't feel the same, but I try to see it as an interlude, hopefully leading to receiving the gift of all that grace, once again.

What happened, then? Did we find ourselves involved in such a bigger matter than we both had thought we'd be signing off for at the beginning?
The days of the training, and the doubt, and the fear of not living up to the expectations, so far behind me. It now seemed like a lifetime ago..

I was mindlessly playing with my necklace, touching the little padlock with the tip of my fingers, and found myself considering what had become of our relationship.
My Master, his sub. A label, a thought of something that started out with a thousand hiccups, and ended up in being our lives.
Have I lost the person that I once was?
Has my presence in his life, changed the person my Master was before me?

I have had my experiences, in life, before becoming my Master's sub. I was a respectful daughter, I had been a faithful girlfriend, I was a loyal friend.
Then I gave myself up to him, promised to obey and serve. In return I was given (counterintuitive as it sounds) *freedom*.
What was of me after that point? What changed?

If I think about it now, I can see how the seed of the best version of myself, was sown back then. How my Master took care of it, sheltered it during bad times, nurtured it with love and discipline.
It's not always been easy, there have been challenges and setbacks, but we always made it to the other side.

There has been a time when I thought I'd lost myself in him, and I believed I couldn't make out who I was anymore. But my Master was there to show me the pieces, help me see it, and patiently waited for me to put them back together.
I've been his broken mirror more times that I'd like to admit. I've always made it back to one piece, and got better after each time.

Who was I today, by virtue of my submission? I could see that mirror's reflection now: I was a better, more understanding daughter, a better, more present friend, and a better, more true partner. Most of all, more true to myself, whole, healed of the many scars I carried around for so long.