The cradle of wisdom

Today, I'd like to talk a bit about my personality contra my sexuality.

This is my personal experiences, so it's needless to say that it's nothing but my own thoughts and musings on the matter.

I firmly believe that the two are not the same. That might be a "d'uh" moment for some, but for me it was quite a big revelation. I've always had quite a strong libido, and have been a "horny" little brat since my childhood. When I was younger and tried to explore things sexually, I had a mother who would stop me, or not explain it to me properly. She made me feel like there was something wrong with me, for expressing sexual desire and wanting to watch porn. I had quite a struggle trying to turn that image of myself around as I got older. I realised that it was perfectly normal to have desires, and especially to have desires different from others.

As I explored deeper and deeper, I found things that I didn't know that I liked. People have always said that somehow porn can "corrupt" a persons mind, but it felt more like discovering those parts of myself that I didn't even know that I had. Meaning the potential was always there, I just need a trigger to wake the desire in me. It was exciting, but also worrying, because the more I looked, the more I found out that my sexuality and personality aren't compatible.

Personality wise, I'd say I'm pretty mild. I don't hold great expectations towards people, but I'm always happy when those expectations are exceeded. I want to help rather than destroy, and I believe in mistakes as an important part of learning. Basically what I'm trying to say is, that I enjoy building someone up, rather than break them down.

My sexuality is almost entirely different. I enjoy breaking people down, both mentally and physically. I enjoy making them second guess, doubt and feel insecure about themselves. Humiliation and degrading are a big part of what turns me on. Then comes the pain. I quite enjoy making something feel pain or discomfort. It's almost like more is better, but it's not always practically viable. There's a fine line between going too far, and just enough. Not really sadistic, but interesting nonetheless, is that I also really enjoy the thought of "constricting" people. I've had an experience where I got turned on from pinning down a fellow male classmate in a friendly brawl. Aside from that, I enjoy obedience. The process of turning someone into a useful tool, through training and conditioning is riveting to me. On a side note, that is probably what I enjoy the most about the whole "BDSM" area. People ARE objects, and you can treat them as such without anyone going "That's man/woman hating!".

In any case, they are polar opposites. Now that I have more control over which part of me is which, I've tried to find something that I enjoy both personality- and sexuality wise. I don't speak for every man, but it's quite hard NOT to be horny. I've met a lot of women who say they are "not in the mood" or "haven't been in the mood for some time", but for me, at least, my sexuality is a constant presence. It spurs me on, gives me thoughts that I wouldn't normally have and tries to influence the way I am thinking. I am sure that other men, at the very least, have felt this before, for example regretting going home with a girl the day after, or doing something stupid because they were horny.

The way I've been able to live with both, so far, has been hard. They're not exactly in harmony. I kind of have to "switch" between them, and I've often found that something I did when I let my sexuality take over, made me feel guilty and regretful when I was back in my personality. Likewise, NOT letting my sexuality have free reins sometimes will leave me feeling unsatisfied and, again, regret that I didn't do "more".

Maybe it's just been my luck, but I haven't actually met a girl who I could ever be both with. Either it was my personality or my sexuality who was more in control. Definitely something I hope to change in the future.

In any case, I've noticed that, since our mind isn't really our own, and we are constantly afflicted with thoughts and nudges from our reptile brain, that when I have an orgasm, I have a brief moment when I "almost" lose all sexual desire. In those moments it all seems pointless, stupid and, sometimes, gross. That's when I have felt most "in tune" with my personality. I've often wondered, in those moments, whether there was an effective way to "cut off" this source of sexual desire. Although I've also tried being on medication which led to a loss of libido, and I remember that I was very scared that it would be gone forever. I think what my point is, is that it's really hard to live with both, but despite how much I hate having to cater to both of them, I don't really want to lose either one.

I also want to stress that it's not so black and white that it's always one or the other. It's usually just a mix of thoughts influenced by the situation. For example, I am sure you don't act afraid all the time, but when you ARE afraid you will act a certain way. Or when you are stressed you might feel worse, because of the situation you find yourself in. It all very much depends on the context.

So that's a bit about my constant struggle between serving the needs of my personality and sexuality. I have yet to find an equilibrium.