I was
I had
I lost
I crave
Enough
Who I am
What I am
How I am
Where I am
Am I enough
Just as
Just for
Just when
Just why
I am enough
Someday
Somehow
Somewhere
Someone
I'll be enough
Until then...
High in the tree tops sits a Raven
Black as night.
Down below hunts a Grand Wolf
Hidden from sight.
Raven cawing to the hollowing Wolf below.
Ready for flight
The Wolf has caught the scent of prey
Ripe for Fight.
The prey unaware of the strategic team
its cunning might.
The Raven tracks from high above
The Wolf stalks down far below
The Prey cant see the trap ahead
It's the unknowing star in this show.
The Scenes now directing
The Wolf moves exacting
The Raven flight pacing
The Prey escape wanning
The Prey now sees its culled demise
The Raven waits to seize its price
The Wolf below now takes its prize
The Scene so Primal so concise
The Raven and The Wolf
Coexist in common goal
Primal and Wild
Partners many moons ole
Lack of Negotiation is still Negotiating
I've seen this come up repeatedly on negotiations in different forms. Ie:
*Why wont my D/M/T negotiate with me?
*I'll get around to it / I'll figure it out as I go.
*I didnt know how/what to negotiate.
*Why do I need to negotiate if I'm no limits
Here's the thing, in my ultra humble opinion, in all those cases: you all ready did. Negotiate that is....you negotiated there would be no negotiations.
*Already in that relationship/dynamic? You negotiated that you would freely enter without knowing the terms.
*Other half says they dont? Still went ahead? You again by agreeing negotiated that you accepted they dont negotiate.
*You're going to wait and see to figure it out? Still that unspoken negotiation of anything goes until you do "get around to it".
*You are No limits? Yup, you negotiated that. Hope it works out well for you. Cause that stuff you dont think is included in "no limits" wasnt negotiated not to be, was it?
For me, Negotiations start from the minute I meet someone. And most people do if we stop to think and break it down.
Really, MsN ? From the minute you introduce yourself? Yes, from the minute I decide whether to introduce myself or shake your hand, negotiations have started and I accept and expect that from the other as well.
"Hello, My name is J. Can I ask you're name? May I shake your hand?"
Others can decide to accept my negotiation for introduction and contact or decline or amend further negotiations.
"Nice to meet you J. I would rather talk and get to know you before sharing my name but a handshake would be fine".
But MsN that's not negotiating that's just communication. Yes! It is both if you really break it down. You negotiate by deciding what to share and what further interaction you were comfortable with at that moment and you communicate it. The sooner you start communicating with a negotiating mind the easier it will be to communicate when the time comes for the real nitty gritty negotiations. Lack of negotiation is really just a lack of communication but it still is negotiating. Negotiations are part of almost any communication. Whether we take responsibility for it or acceptance that there was none is still Negotiating.
So introducing myself is my first negotiation. Do I feel ready or willing fo share that information? Are they willing to reciprocate in like? Once and if that is established the negotiations may or may not continue. Everything is negotiations. Do you shake hands or hug? Are you interested in communicating? How much will you allow yourself to be involved with said person?
Every question answered and next move forward is a move on the chess board. Negotiations build and are added to and sometimes subtracted from. Eventually the goal is to have completely negotiated and be in a mutually agreed upon dynamic where both (or more) are fully aware of what each has negotiated.
The problem I have seen is that it's become common practice to believe that they arent needed until in most cases something has happened that make one wish they had already done so. Hindsight and all that mess. Or negotiations dont start before the "feels" do. One enters into a relationship because one feels they have a connection. Then say "now let's negotiate" to see if the other feels the same way. When the other doesnt it or feels/expects differently; it brings out the wish woulda knowns. Which could have would have if negotiations had been first not second to the emotion.
Saying we didn't negotiate or the lack or unwillingness to do so isnt a get out of jail card later if going in you are fully aware that you didnt negotiate. Because you did. On a silent unspoken and personal level you did. You negotiated with yourself that you would do, proceed, enter and agree to, you guessed it: lack of negotiations.
If you're good with that great. If not, Start rethinking your way of negotiating or lack there of. If you are new to all this, it is all that more important to know at least basic negotiations. There are a ton of resources on different ways to go about it and what to include in them. The point of this writing is to point out that the lack of does not equate out to none.
If someone is telling you dont need to negotiate, you really do need to. I'll stop short of demanding it or saying its mandatory but at least ask yourself why or what reason they would have to tell you that you shouldnt negotiate. No, "you can trust me", really isnt a good enough reason. And guess what? You will have negotiated either way by either accepting their request or refusing to continue until they do.
To conclude: Maybe, just maybe, if we all start putting the idea of negotiating first we wont be asking later why its lacking.
Oh to see that pretty body
Firm and tight
Mine has aged
Sags and pudgy
Oh to see that pretty smile
Pearly white and staight
Mine has left
Gums and denture
Oh to see those pretty eyes
Crystal and clear
Mine has dimmed
Framed and faded
Oh to to see that pretty youth
Flexible and fluid
Mine is wanning
Stiff and cracking
Oh to see that pretty perfection
Confident and on display
Mine is lacking
Insecure and hiding
Oh to see
That once was me
Mine now scarred
Outward and flawed
*I have flaws we all do. I didnt realize how much I'm hiding behind those flaws. Hiding from those who I have preconceived will judge, mock or discard based on those flaws. Comparing myself as well against the social norm.
Today, I stop. Love them or hate them they are me. These are my beautiful flaws.
Hardest one first, I have not one tooth in my head. Nope, didnt do dope but was genetically disposed to underdeveloped teeth. That smile you see, not mine. I lost a really nice car in the amount I put in trying to save them and another just to have what I do.
I bit my tongue years ago and for awhile had this weird cut in the side of it. Over the years the scar tissue built up to form a tag of sorts. Looks like my tongue has a tongue. It's weird and once you see it you cant unseen it. Why you may see me cover my mouth. It's a weird flaw that's part of me.
I suffer from winter psoriasis on my legs. Its horrid in appearance and affect. It goes away come spring but scars from yearly repeats have remained. I call it my pride scars because my legs were what I was most prideful of. Karma is a bitch like that.
I'm not a youngin' anymore though my mind try's to say otherwise. My skin wrinkles and what once was perky has started its trip south. I have a pudge and Stretch Mark's mar my body. Each one has it's own story and there's a lot of stories.
My roots are showing today. Time to color but if you care to get close that silver wisdom has decided to sprout. How wise? You decide. Am I or should you?
I'm writing this because I know I'm not alone. I write this because I want someone else who looks at all these pretty's and struggles. I have and am but I have decided to embrace them; cherish them.
I hope that by sharing someone else can also start to cherish their own.
Our flaws are part of us but they are not all of who we are. Love all of you. Pretty little flaws and all.
They say look in a mirror
It's a reflection of who you are
Like it or hate it that's you.
Wrong, it is not
It just an image
Flat and cold
It is your reverse image
It is your outward appearance
It's only two dimensional
You are on otherside
You are behind the glass
You are multifaceted
Look past that reflection
Look inward deep beyond
Look within You
Through the looking glass
I am not a envious person by nature. I dont want exactly what another has or discount the time and effort that others put into getting where they are. Whether it's a relationship or gaining a new skill, I get that for the most part nobody just got handed anything. But try telling that to this freaking heart in my chest...this foolish little thing that keeps asking when it will be our turn.
The physical pang and twist when running across a profile and reading or seeing how content and complete they are. My mind is impressed and overjoyed for them. My heart, while in the moment, warms and is encouraged that there is still good in the world; that there is still balance to be found. But in then comes the chill. Where the reality that there is still a hole in my soul. A missing puzzle piece to complete my well rounded life.
Call it emotional masochism but I look. Even knowing it'll hurt later. Usually it comes from something they wrote or a comment posted. Sort of Alice following that white rabbit down the hole. Wanting to see just a little bit more into their Wonderland. Just like Alice though, I quickly realize that isnt my world. That world isnt my reality. I want my own twisted version of my own Wonderland not somebody elses. My heart hurts knowing it's still just a illusion for me.
Dont worry. I remind myself of all the cliches on patience and giving it time. Or my favorite of dont worry there is someone out there just for me. I lift my chin and straighten my panties and my mind says itll all work out when it's meant to be. That doesnt mean my heart does.
It wants to take a moment and have a mini pity party. It wants to pout and have a complete come part tantrum. Pound its chambers and say what about me! But hasnt or at least not as of yet.
Oh to only have someone look at me as others look at theirs.
So the mind starts to self evaluate.
To find a place and purpose in the what or where I will am or will become.
To figure out what in my life is acting as a wall to finding my way to that place.
To keep faith that someone is out there that will take me as I am or even with a little tweaking without either side feeling like we are settling.
To stop focusing on all the time that has passed me by but work with the time I have left to find complete my circle.
I am happy truly happy for yall that have what you have. And I mean that with all my being. Minus a small portion of that twingey heart that , in all honesty, is a little bit of envy with a side of jealousy, a dollop of self pity and a smidge of frustration. That recipe will never get me anywhere fast.
So now I'll be starting to refocusing on finding my own White Rabbit to take me to my own Wonderland. Where my heart can finally twitch for other maddening reasons.
I have become my own mystery. The clues to it all are scattered around me like shattered glass. I can see that its a whole picture but not of what. I thought I use to know or I did before life changed.
The picture was clear and hung with pride and accomplishment of which I was then reflecting. Until the nail broke and that detailed picture so painstakingly drawn and hung so high came crashing down. Shattered.
For ages it seems I have collected every shard and chip of that broken masterpiece. I foolishly thoughy with time I could put it back together as it had been. However scarred and tattered but I would have my picture once again.
So I started to put the Who of what I was back together again. I tried several methods as one does with puzzles attempting edges first or sorted by color. Try as I might though it never fit together. Not the way it did before or resembling even close to my orginal form.
The colors are off. Darker and colder. The scene isnt so sweet and concise but more primitive and wild. Closely matching the storm in my head and under the skin.
The dimensions now wont lie flat in this new multi faceted form. The scars are healed but not without rise. The old colors cracking under the new as this new medium blends. Now appearing more like Edvard Munch's The Scream then the fairy tale illustration of before.
So an enigma I am to even myself. Feelings quickly running hot and cold. Sensing the tangible change and trying so hard to give it a name.
Remembering next time to use stronger nails and hang not so high.
I am unique
I am human
I am flawed
just like you
I have opinions
I have been right
I have been wrong
just like you
I have grown
I have experiences
I have a purpose
just like you
I have loved
I have lost
I have learned
just like you
I have shared
I have taught
I have listened
just like you
I have been
I have seen
I have lived
Just like you
But not as you
And that's okay
One sure fire way to get me to stop reading your profile is to start it off with the BDSM Test "results".
We all do know simple math, correct?
That 100% is a whole and anything more than 100% is just what spills onto the floor waiting to be stepped in?
So when I see these test and its results are
79%_____
60%_____
40%_____
Yadda yadda blah blah blah.....% % %
Its laughable. I really really want to take you seriously and not waste either of our time. I dont want to laugh at you! No, really I got the Comedy channel for that. That and I doubt you took all that time not to be taken for less than serious.
I get it if you're new, really I do. It's great to answer questions and get some algorithm to spit out at you "Wa La ! You are this, and a little of all that". Maybe it gave you some result that you're that rather than this and you have no clue what that even is. Great, if you take the time to research it out and see if that shoe fits. Spoiler: 7 out of 10 times; it doesn't.
That said, ya dont need to share the results. And if you do, please, have an explanation or reason why you believe its accurate. Bonus points if you can say why it's not.
If you tell me you you've been in the lifestyle since before the invention of the flogger and all you got to back it up is this test, you are going to have to excuse me as I exit a fast left. True story, of being told all I needed as reference to their Domlyness was to look at their test results. Yeah but NO.
But you put that list on your profile like a badge of honor. Look, if you are one who believes in participation ribbons, congrats, you accomplished your goal. But it does absolutely nothing, nada and zilch in telling anyone let alone yourself who the fuck you are.
Dont get in a huff at me. Go look at it for yourself. Really? Does that give any indication of why someone would get to know you?? Ooooo it says I am 90% what-ever-title-I-fantasize-I-am. Bull shit. Yes Bull Shit! That test and its 50 give or take questions cant tell the who what or why of You. Not even close.
So, please, dont show me what some test tells you you are. Show me, tell me and communicate the what you are, why you are and who you are based on you and your real life experiences.
We can laugh together at what the results assumed we were...and failed.
The moment when time retracts and a memory from years ago seems like it was yesterday.
The scent that floats thru the air and whisks the senses alive and craving.
The song that plays across the radio and its beat pounds the heart to a long forgotten rythm.
The shadow that passes along and darkens the skin reminiscent of past passions.
The ticking of time that passes and refuses to release the hold of your memory.
The nostalgia of You and the blessing yet curse of letting go and moving on.