Steellover

I read an article the other day, about a violent, black metal satan-worshipping crackhead double murderer out of North Carolina named Pazuzu Algorad.  Well, he originally had a normal, Christian name.  But after being neglected, alienated, abused, and cast out, he grew his hair out, then shaved his head, then grew it out again, tattooed his face, filed his teeth into points, and got heavily into the occult.  And changed his name. Before the authorities finally caught up to him on the murder charges, he had grown a following of similar disaffected, alienated young people who lived, hung out and partied at his squalid, filth and graffiti ridden cesspool of a house which he lived in (rent free of course) with his ailing reclusive mother, who lived in a separate back apartment.

As a kid, I actually knew someone who was a lot like this Pazuzu guy.  This dude came from a dysfunctional family, dropped out of school at 15, became alienated and anti-social, was drawn to the dark side both in music and the occult, and tried to be the most militantly extreme person around.  Lots of other people were drawn to this friend of mine, as well.  And, back when I was a teen, I am ashamed to admit there may have been a little of that darkness in me as well.  I, too, was alienated and anti-social but for different reasons: I had a good family and good education but felt alienated and isolated, largely from a few experiences I had in high school.  I felt rejected by the preppy, rich kid, superficial pastel-shaded pop culture that seemed to run things in my home town, and instead embraced violent anti-social music, dress, and nihilistic attitudes.

So I bonded with this buddy of mine, much like those fucked up and dysfunctional kids bonded with Pazuzu Algorad, and probably not unlike a different group of misfits became drawn to a certain murderous cult Family figure in southern California in the late 1960s. 

But I am not that guy anymore. Happy to say.  And I don't WANT to be that guy anymore.  I want to choose life, to embrace the light side, embrace love and goodness, and leave those feelings of abandonment and rejection behind.  And I don't want to follow anyone else down the same path of nihilism, darkness, and despair that others might lead me.  I luckily never got into hard drugs back then; though I was tempted.  Had I done so, I might never have been able to crawl out of it.  And I thankfully no longer feel like an alienated outcast.  In short, I am grateful for every day and for the chance to grow up and grow out of the darkness.  Not saying my life is always happy and perfect but, you know.

As for my friend, I have no idea what happened to him.  I moved a couple states away, and he moved to a separate city with his family, since he had no real job prospects I'm assuming he ended up working for his dad as a carpenter, but who knows. We went our separate ways and that's that.  Maybe he, too, is doing fine, as a thriving and well-adjusted adult, but who knows. 

I was going to post something else entirely, but I changed my mind-  and so instead, I just want to say thank you to our fallen heroes, who laid their lives on the line and gave their lives to make this country a free and wonderful place.  In these dark times, it seems like some have forgotten the value of the freedoms they fought for, and some are now even fighting to take those freedoms away from us.  Maybe it's time our generation once again, like our forbears in the 60's, takes up the fight to reclaim our freedoms that are being threatened and even rolled back in many cases.  But for now, I salute those who fought overseas against tyranny and oppression, and made the sacrifices to protect the things that we take for granted.

So where are all the kinky people?  This is not a rhetorical question.  We are everywhere.

One of us could be that barrista guy at Starbucks with the nose ring and earrings. 

One of us could be that guy in the buisness suit walking down 9th street downtown. 

One of us could be your boss's wife.  Or your boss's husband.  Or your boss.

One of us could be the guy who just repaired your furnace. 

Or the lady who cashed your check at the bank.  

Or the woman sitting next to you in church, 

Or the woman standing behind you in line at the grocery store.

Or that respectable looking semi-attractive guy you meet jogging on the trail.

We are everywhere, but you won't know us until you get to know us.  And even when you get to know us, we may not choose share our most intimate desires- unless, perhaps, you wish to be intimate with one of us, and we wish to be with intimate with you.  

Sometimes, even knowing we are out there, does not necessarily make it less lonely for those who are seeking.

It's better to give than to receive...

Thoughtful gifts that make her smile.

Compliments.

Thoughtful things that maker her feel special.

Back rubs.

Foot rubs.

Sweet kisses, and of course...

Oral sex.

MUSIC CORNER:  "Wolfmother" (2005 debut.)

Pretty much the perfect classic rock album, which came out long after the era of "Classic Rock" had passed.  I mean, pretty much every single song on this thing is just excellent!  The influences here are primarily Led Zeppelin, and maybe a little bit of Uriah Heep, Black Sabbath and Deep Purple.  But unlike a lot of more recent van fleet of bands who are influenced by Led Zeppelin, these guys never sounded like they are slavishly trying to imitate them. It's hard to imagine these guys were only a three piece, because the instrumentation is so rich and varied; organ, guitar, bass, great drumming and soaring vocals. The songwriting here is likewise from a bygone era of just great riffs and tunes that trancended any kind of genre classification.  There's a little metal (though I wouldn't call this heavy metal per se) a little heavy rock, some blues, some acoustic- much like Zeppelin, they nail it every time, and no two songs sound anything like each other so you never get tired of listening to this all the way through..  There's not a bad song on here; "Woman," and "Joker and the Thief" rock out hard, while "White Unicorn" and "Mind's Eye" are just great classic rock tunes that seem to have that special touch to them, and you can name pretty much any other tune on here, and I'll tell you it's great.  Sadly though, they never seemed to follow up with anything after this, though I think they are still around albiet with only one original member.  But you rock n' roll fans...you need this album!

I had that daydream again.  I won't elaborate too much, other than it involved paddles, cuffs, a toilet seat, a bucket, and me in a compromising position. 

I'll just stop there.  I didn't really want to go there either, but there I am.

Sometimes I wish I could go back, before all the kink, before I ever discovered BDSM, before my fantasies went down these dark rabbit holes.  Back to my first crush.  When the simple pleasures of kissing and holding hands, basking in the warmth of each other- pining for her company in her absense, was all it took.  She was tall and beautiful, confident, athletic and strong.  I especially liked those last three things about her.  

Meeting her under the stars, kissing her and making love- when that was so infinitely satisfying, and there didn't need to be anything else.  How I want to love someone like that again.  And leave the rabbit holes behind forever.

There was something I read, and I wish I could remember the writer's name but it was an amateur writer. To avoid plagiarizing I'll give a VERY basic and brief summary:  In the story, a young sub/slave searches for a mistress, and finds Her online.  He says he wants to be a slave, wants a total 24/7 power exchange.  Sees her picture online, and she's beautiful, and he agrees, YES he'll be Her live in slave. She instructs him to fly to another state and get picked up at the airport.

Flash forward, he lives in a dark cell 24/7 in a dark cellar in an isolated compound at the end of a remote country road, his only interaction with another human is to be physically tortured via remote control, while blindfolded.  Never sees the sun or the outside, or another person.  Lives a life, if you can call it that, that would make life in a super-max prison sound like heaven.  She tells him she keeps him only as a pain slut to satisfy her need for emotional, mental and physical torture.  Eventually his mind quickly breaks down and his body gives out.

This is not an erotic story, but a horror story. 

How many newbies, minds racing with the most intense erotic fantasies they have ever had, give into sub frenzy and throw caution to the wind, not even realizing what a "no limits" submissive can really entail?  How many end up like the guy in the story?  I would hope, very, very few if any- after all it is only a story.  But the point is, you can turn off fantasies.  You cannot turn off a 24/7 lifestyle.  There is a saying (and if I've mentioned it before then I apologize) that there are two problems with a submissive who claims they have no limits. One is that they won't be taken seriously, and two is...that they will.

Remember even in the best circumstances, there is a huge difference between a submissive and a slave.  Very, very few people are truly willing to be the latter, even if they are well cared for by their dominant. 

Careful what you wish for. Stay safe.  Play hard, know your limits, but keep it safe, sane ,and consensual.  

MUSIC CORNER:  Kyuss, "Welcome to Sky Valley."

If there was a perfect rock album for the mid 1990s, it would have to be this one. Ten tracks of woofer thudding distortion (plus a short dopey bonus jam at the end) and some of the heaviest, trippiest, most epic guitar riffs of all time.  It's heavier than a lot of metal bands without actually being metal- At least, I wouldn't call it so; just call it good old "Rock n' Roll" and it works, beautifully.  It is hard to describe the greatness of this album without listening to it, but everything about it: the song writing, John Garcia's epic vocals- the guy is nearing Ronnie James Dio levels of vocal power and perfection here- the riffs, even the mellower tracks (for example "Asteroid" and "Space Cadet") just flow through you like a warm soulful desert breeze.  While tracks like "Odyssey" with it's pounding, heavy riff, will have you bouncing off the walls.  Not one filler track on here, how rare is that nowadays.  They did one more album after this, which is still very good, but they really hit it out of the park with this one.  A couple guys from the band would later form Queens of the Stone Age, another band which had a few good tracks, but nothing with the same almost primal appeal as Kyuss did here.

The band has always been inspired by the inland Southern California desert areas where they are from.  As someone who enjoys the solitude and peace of the high desert country of southern Idaho and Eastern Oregon, I can relate.  There are places out there, in the stark otherworldly beauty of the Owyhee Mountains, and the hills and canyonlands of the high desert, where I sometimes go for day trips to feel at peace and recharge.  Now that it is finally spring- at long, long last, perhaps I'll take a drive out there this weekend or next.

I had made Her angry.  More than just a small disappointment this time.

Caught in a lie, it was my fault, my bad. I should have known better.

And such was the mutually agreed upon nature of our relationship that I would be punished in this way.  Because, our relationship isn't like most couple's. We are different from most people. That is both the beauty and the suffering of us, and part of what I have coming to me now.  This is not abuse in Her eyes or mine.  Rather it is...Her way of enforcing karma.

Naked, arms splayed, cuffed, face down.  Her hits with that cat o nine tails coming faster and harder now. Harder than I would have liked. This is no mere erotic spanking, but it is punishment, and punishments are not to be fun.

She took her flogger, the one that leaves bruises.  To be fair, I am no pain slut. My tolerance is lower than some.  But I wanted to be strong, for Her sake. Endure, for Her sake.  Be a hero in suffering for her, to the same degree I was a fool in crossing Her. One whack. Two. Three. I cried out.  The safe word on the tip of my lips.

Four. Five. I screamed.  She shushed me.  Not wanting the neighbors to hear.  

"Scream like a bitch then, slave!" She said, and hit me one more time, then one last time. Both times, trembling in anticipation of the blow, and crying out loud in spite of myself. It was too much to endure, as much as I wanted to be strong, the word escaped my lips.

".....mercy....."

"What?"

"...please Mistress, mercy..."

She uncuffed me.  "On your knees then!" She barked.

I knelt in front of Her, basking in Her beauty and power.  Heart pounding in fear, pain, and submission, sweat running from my pores.

For Her. My Angel of Mercy. 

She had me repeat after her, a humble apology, and acknowledging my mistake in crossing Her. 

Dishonesty has no place in a relationship based on trust and communication.  It is to be punished.  Such is Our love.

I read or heard a quote somewhere that everyone has their dark side, but it's how you deal with it, or give into it, that makes you a good person or a bad person.  In fact, I think it may have been Albus Dumbledore.

Anyway, I do experience negative emotions like everyone.  I just don't want to dwell on it too much, but...

I feel like BDSM, from a submissive perspective, is a healthy way of dealing with your dark side.  Exploring darker sexual fantasies in a safe, controlled way with a partner who understands these needs and can help fulfill them in a healthy way that is mutually fulfilling.  The last part being the key. I want my partner to enjoy the same catharsis as a top that I feel as a bottom, to be able to get the same release from the stresses of life in a session that I feel when I hand my body and soul to Her to be Her toy.  Because that is magical.  It is a true catharsis, a release, to be taken to the dark places of your subconscious and to feel the powerful mix of fear and eroticism (or sadism and lust, as the case may be) with a partner whose mere presence you intimately crave.

Is it really so dark?  I am into experiencing things I don't feel entirely comfortable talking about even here, much less in a group of people with more conservative sexual tastes. So I won't go into too much detail for now; although I've discussed some of it in other posts in the past.  But still, there are some with sexual desires that are pathological and dangerous, not just to themselves, but harmful to others.  I am not Ted Bundy, Gary Glitter or R. Kelly.  Though, sadly, this isn't to say that there are some people would see my kinks as not too far off from that. So I'll conclude by saying, to us adults in tune with some of our darker side of sexual expression: Play hard but stay safe, stay sane but above all, stay consensual.

One nice thing about fetish play, is that there can be many ways to explore that are intimate and very intense, sexually and emotionally...but yet there is no risk of unplanned pregnancy or STD's.

Okay, I don't have a lot else for today.  Play hard, play safe, love your mistress/master, and for you dominants, take care and cherish your submissives.

MUSIC CORNER:  Saga "Worlds Apart" LP.

This was one of those classic albums I loved from my formative years as a kid. It came out roughly at the end of 1982, or maybe early 1983, some time around there. It was Canadian synth rock, with a guy named Michael Sadler on vocals and backing keyboards, and keyboardist Jim Crichton, who were the main songwriters.  At this time, the whole new-wave synth rock thing was just starting to replace the more traditional blue collar bar room rock that was dominating the radio at the time.  So, it was a very keyboard driven sound, even some of the drums were programmed.  But what I loved about this record were, well, there was a couple of things.  It was much more hard driving and upbeat than a lot of the more fluffy pop stuff that came out in the mid-80s, but more in a rock and roll way, than a club dance-pop way.  The songs weren't just your typical love, romance and heartache stuff either.  There was definitely an undercurrent of science fiction themes in many of the songs. And most of them were catchy as heck. Many of you Canadians might remember "On the Loose" and "Wind him Up" as being big hits; these were not quite as "Big" or well remembered in the U.S. but yet...they're great songs either way.  Anyway, I love this album. It's one of those classic old records I love to dig out and play every now and again.  The album had two different covers, but the one with the old guy holding the map is much more interesting than the "Chick with sunglasses" cover.  I don't know why they re-did the cover art as the original was was just better- record companies work in mysterious ways, I guess.  You music nurdz: Check out this album if you can find it!