Ever have one of those days where your tired of trying.
Im exhausted. Not from everyday stuff but the constant trying all the time and getting nowhere.
Oh how i wish my mood would come back around
On the plus side i found jack reacher on amazon :)
Every so often the little voice at the back of my mind starts telling me i can't do something. It's not even a voice but a feeling that comes over you of existential dread. I do my best not to let it get to me. Every so often i fail.
I am a very determined and stubborn person. But life can get exhausting at times. You start to wonder why your still trying especially when you have a family that will do anything to 'help you' when their 'help' actually ends up completely fucking you over. It can be exceptionally difficult. Every so often i wonder if it would just be easier to not bother trying so much anymore.
I finished university in 2020 after going through organ failure and lectures who hated me i finally passed. Yesterday i got a congratulations card from my nan.... no one told me well done. Infact my mum decided to let me know she never expected me to pass and didn't bother with graduation so i didn't go. But according to them i should be understanding and grateful. *repeatedly smacks head into the table*
The truth is no one expected me to do anything in life. There is only so many times you can keep trying before it becomes exhausting.
A while back i was given some job offers and no one would help me move. I just end up with messages going 'don't worry i know you will sort it out'. Fyi im the only one who doesn't drive. They keep asking why i don't visit.... there is no public transport where they live in the middle of the countryside but no one will visit me, they just try to use guilt to make me feel bad by asking why i don't go.
My ex boyfriends family helped me move for university. Mine didn't do a thing. Trying to explain this is not how other families work is like saying the sky is orange.
People often ask why im single..... this is why.... my family are a world class destructive co-dependant nightmare. When i try to explain this to people I am seeing they just don't get it.
Help will be there .... but only if i break up with you. There will be no support if we struggle as a couple. In fact it will be the exact opposite of support while they call it help.
Im so exhausted from trying, not just relationship wise but with any of the important things in life your supposed to do because its always just me .... if your really lucky you will get the help or a card saying well done a year after the point in time you needed help or support, you know after you crashed and burned but nothing to stop you crashing to begin with.
Every so often that little voice comes out and tells me i can't, that i shouldn't bother trying and im ashamed to say that recently im beginning to think it might have a point.
With family like this .... who lied for 26yrs about custody. Who the hell needs enemies.
So in school there was this guy who was cute. Don't think he ever realised i thought he was cute.
I haven't thought about this guy since I was in high school. For some weird reason my brain decided to dream i was on holiday in a hotel that was like a maze/ jungle gym and he was there.
Not only that but the class was trying to find us but as adults....
Thr hotel room and I use that word loosely because they can only be described as a jungle gym with ladders everywhere and a secret entrance that could take you all over the hotel
Like the crystal maze but in a hotel
What a weird dream
Led zeppelin kashmir and whisky....
Chill out before the shitshow next week
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned well... ive scorned mother nature with my contraception.... dear god she is pissed.
I need to go get a new coil fitted and the thought makes me want to cry.
Dear god the back pain.
Dom - usually describes a top, the person who might be holding a cat o nine during fun times. Can come in a variety such as sensual, gentleman or even with sadistic tendencies.
Daddy - im not too familiar so will stick with what i know, treating the sub as a princess, less harsh more soft.
Master - what i say goes, end of conversion. We agreed limits, its not a limit so tough. This can be with gentlemen like things such as holding a door open or ordering dinner for you and choosing what you're eating.
Its official im i love with vintage and the 40s...
So... i recently bought dita von teese book
Your beauty mark.
Oh my god, its amazing. Literally everything you could ever need from manicures to hair.
I strongly recommend it
When you just want that nod from someone.
Someone to run ideas past and check.
Someone to go ... well done, give it a go, i believe in you give it a try, if not something else will work out.
The smile that isn't a smile, the nod that isn't a nod :)
Without it, its like being a boat in the ocean, lost...
Ive had enough now.