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Ev's kink corner

I've been around a few decades, and have a bit to say. I'm not going to call myself an expert, but I'm happy to share my thoughts on BDSM.
3 months ago. Nov 19, 2019, 8:35 AM

Hello! So!

I am polyamorous. This means that I bond with, and come to love, multiple romantic/sexual partners at once. It does NOT mean I give myself to anyone and everyone. It does NOT mean that I feel less, or compartmentalize more and separate myself from my emotions more. It doesn't mean I am more readily down to have a no-strings-attached, sex only arrangement. I may have the freedom to do so, but that isn't how I am wired. I need to care about the person. I bond. I bond deep and I bond hard, when it happens, and I can't really choose to bond or not bond. I take my time getting to know someone, making up my mind, and my heart makes up it's mind, too.

I come to love my partners just as deeply as a monogamous partner comes to love theirs.

As such, I have found that there are certain rules I really need to be hard-line about. Every time I make an exception, it ends in massive amounts of tears and heartbreak for me.

1. No "discreet," "our little secret" "no one can know" shit. Yeah, I absolutely understand and support you not wanting to lose your job because they will fire you for being poly and kinky. That's not what I mean. What I mean is, you need to actually be poly, or one of those incredibly rare mono partners who isn't bothered or hurt at all by ME being poly. The latter does NOT include someone who HAS a partner already, or who is waiting to find a "real" partner to be mono with. I'm not an experiment, a toy, or a placeholder. I'm not a bit of easy fun for you to fuck around on your partner with, either. I'm not gonna do that to myself, and you shouldn't be doing that to yourself or your partner. It will lead to suffering for everyone. It will. Your other partners need to know about me. I need to know about your other partners. I need to be able to check in with them.

2. Long distance? Nah. It'll end in tears. It's very hard to fully get to know someone only online. Even if we meet in person and hit it off, will we actually get on outside of the "vacation" stage? The only exception I can really think of to this would be someone who was willing and able to fly my butt to wherever they live for like, a week out of the month or something, once we have really established a relationship. The likelihood of that is incredibly low. Doing so whilst understanding that I am disabled and poor and cannot contribute financially is even lower. It's hard for a relationship to develop naturally this way. If I am having a hard day, can you come over? If you really are excited and found this amazing thing to do tonight, can I come over? If you get hurt and need someone to come caretake, can I reach you? We need to be able to have casual hang-out days, on top of fun, intense play days. We need to be able to work around one another's schedules. We need to be able to see the person behind the FANTASY of the person.

3. I'm here for both a good time AND a long time. I'm seeking long-term partners. Deep bonding. Sometimes things work out that way, sometimes they don't, but I'm not looking for a casual lay-n-leave. I'm not looking to be someone's sex toy when they're "in town for business" once a month or two. Also, that tends to coincide with rule #1, honestly. I'm fat, I'm kinky, I'm poly. I'm not easy. I just can't promise to keep it to "just friends who keep it casual and have a little fun." That's not where I'm at in life. I might bond. I might fall in love. I need to protect myself.

3 months ago. Oct 26, 2019, 6:27 PM

So.
I had my fun in NYC, with many friends and many things to see.
Now I'm back home, and the podiatrist says I must be immobilized or my Achilles tendon WILL rupture and snap, requiring a really awful, painful surgery with a very, very long recovery time.
So.
I am in a leg cast. It is hell. I cannot drive anywhere. I can kind of "walk," but not really. I've lost my mobility and independence, yet again.
I wish I had a broken doll fetish or something, but truly, I do not. 
Fuck.
It's been less than a day and I'm so miserable. It's super painful, y'all. 
Goddammitt. 

4 months ago. Oct 17, 2019, 11:42 PM

My awesome friend really showed me a great time in NYC!

We started by meeting at Grand Central station. I wanted, quite badly, to get the jump on him, and hid next to the correct doorways, which I intuited, but he happened to come through the one I WASN'T watching at that very moment. Bah! Someday. Maybe. 

We headed into Koreatown, where we had some really excellent Korean BBQ. 

From there, we went to a rooftop lounge where I could see a bunch of the city- at least, what I could see above the level of the fencing, which was taller than I was. There was a downstairs section with huge floor to ceiling windows and velvety couches as well. My friend and I got to know each other as people in physical reality, since we'd only met in computer games before that day. We both enjoy analyzing people and figuring out their tells, so it was quite a lot of fun, though I completely failed to have any kind of poker face with him. I was having too much fun! 

Also, when I really really trust somebody, it's so hard to be guarded.

After a drink, we went to a classy bar with a big lit-up maze on the ceiling. The food was excellent, as were the drinks. I almost never drink, but I had a total of THREE that night. My friend, however, had 10 and somehow wasn't at all sick, or any less suave, hah. He made a lot of jokes about murdering me, but I knew I was safe. I even felt fine with letting him get drinks for us both without me watching- normally I'm quite vigilant about that sort of thing. 

From there, we went to our fourth and final destination, and it was AMAZING. 

A classy joint, total hidden gem. Lots of gorgeous embellishments to the interior, ranging from Art Deco to Rococo. There, we had an incredible three course meal- duck confit with wine-soaked pear, butter-soft tender pork shoulder with green beans and mashed potato, but really really classed up, and vanilla bean cheese cake.

Then the fun really began.

A burlesque show! A wicked, sexy, interactive burlesque show with live music, an incredible singer, and FIRE! 

Gonna treasure that day for a long time. I do love surprises like that! 

4 months ago. Oct 9, 2019, 6:09 AM

I am in New York City at last!

I have a great friend here, and tomorrow he is going to take me out on the town on a day of mysteries! I'm really looking forward to finding out just what he has in store for me. We are meeting at grand central station at a certain time. After that, I have no idea what's coming, except some sort of event in the evening that I helped pay for tickets to. 

I can't remember the last time somebody completely surprised me with an entire day of activities. I love it. I love not knowing what's going to happen next, except that it'll be full of fun new experiences that have been picked out for me with care. <3 

5 months ago. Sep 13, 2019, 8:44 PM

This is a deep well of unmitigated suck.

My right Achilles tendon has a partial rupture. I have to be in a walking boot. I might end up in a cast, or even having surgery. 

I am still going to NYC- the plane tickets and lodging are paid for. 

It'll be really hard to get around, though. NYC is a walking city, and their disability accommodations are spotty. The doctor told me to take a cab everywhere. That's quite expensive, though. 

And... I miss feeling sexy. It's hard to feel sexy like this. It just feels vulnerable and sad. 

5 months ago. Sep 2, 2019, 5:18 AM

Darlings. Loves.

Some of you wonderful doms and dommes out there, be you new or experienced? We need to talk. Briefly.

You see, for some reason, it would appear that some of you, while being native speakers of English, have mistaken yourselves for a verb. My dear ones, this is not so! You may take action and dominate someone. There are many great ways to dominate!

There is, however, no way to BE a dominate.

The term you are looking for is "dominant." Often, we use "dom" for short. You can say, "I am a dominant person." "I am a dom." "I am on the dominant side of the kink spectrum." " I am a dominant looking for a submissive."

You can also say "I am a true dominate," but you will be incorrect. 

Friends don't let friends try to be verbs. 

Much love,

 

-Ev

5 months ago. Sep 2, 2019, 3:45 AM

Honestly, this always looks like a red flag to me.

Why would someone only want an inexperienced submissive? They aren't cars that will break down because they got driven around for a while. They are not cars, or sandwiches, or locks in doors, or any other random inanimate object. Every relationship and interaction is unique, so there's still plenty of space for wonder. They aren't impossible to "re-train," I mean, we're talking about sentient beings here, even if they are role-playing as something that is not. They might or might not have emotional damage from exes. Welcome to being human. A grown-ass adult can deal with it, and encourage their partner to get professional therapy if needed, since that is a therapist's job, and not one's partner's job.

So, why do people want an inexperienced sub? 

Because honestly, the only reason I can come up with is that they don't want the sub to know better. Like, they want someone who is easier to manipulate, control, and deceive... and I don't mean in a good way. I don't mean in a sexy way. 

Perhaps the dom is new and feels intimidated by playing with a sub who is more experienced than they are? My primary certainly was. But there's a phrase in the horsemanship world- "green on green makes black and blue." It may be a case of wanting someone to learn together with, but in that case? Include that in your ad, and understand that you should really seek out classes and a mentor even then, if it is possible. 

Otherwise, at best it seems like ego or toxic monogamy (there's healthy monogamy, but flipping out about partners someone had before you came on the scene ain't it) at best, or at worst, a sign of a predator. 

6 months ago. Aug 6, 2019, 12:04 AM

Sometimes, when I write, I pour my lust into it, my heart, my yearning. It's hard to write erotica when the yearning hurts. Maybe tonight I will find my way, with the help of other kinky authors. We have a munch at Wicked Grounds, the kink cafe which is the heart of San Francisco's BDSM community. I have friends there. Maybe they can help.

Sometimes when I hurt, my instincts cause me to curl up in a little defensive ball. I isolate myself. I seek escapism. I don't lean on my friends, though I still encourage them to lean on me for support. It's old, old wounds. The little voice in the back of my head that I found when I was a child. The one born of trauma. That voice says "you can't count on anyone. No one will help you. No one can save you but you. Don't depend on anyone. They will let you down."

More dangerously, the voice will say, "set aside your own needs. Set aside your own comfort and safety. Set aside your desires. Set aside your emotions. If you let it show, they will run. They will leave you. They will strike you. They will hurt you. Endure, endure, endure. Give, give, give. But don't you set a boundary. Don't you take." That fawn response to trauma, it's creepers and vines are strangling my garden. I cannot flourish. I cannot bloom. Not if I listen to that voice. 

So, instead of curling up in bed at home, I will go to work and then I will go to hang out with my community. I will see if I can write, but even if I can't, I'll see my friends, and I'll talk to them. I'll let myself take up space. I'll let myself talk. I'll let myself ask for support. 

I have to take the advice that I give, after all. 

7 months ago. Jul 21, 2019, 1:13 AM

Lads. Gentlemen. Masq-folks. All y'all with a penis that you like having.

We need to chat for a moment.

Now, I don't wanna stereotype, but in my experience, there's this phenomenon with some cis, het men on the internet. Lots of cis, het men on the internet.

Y'all. You make your disembodied dick your profile pic. It's just floating there, over your shoved-down boxer-briefs. Usually either in front of a mattress with no sheets on it, or obviously in a bathroom. The background is fairly immaterial, but there's something you need to know-

You are clearly proud of having a penis.

Random people who you message? We aren't impressed. Most men have penises. It's... it's not a rare thing.

Me, I have a whole dishwasher worth of cocks. Cocks in really interesting shapes and sizes. Cocks in pretty, swirly colors. Cocks that never go soft. Cocks that can never give me a disease. Cocks that won't be getting anybody pregnant. Cocks. So many cocks. I can get cocks. I can buy a fucking machine, and have something else fuck me with those cocks. I have a partner with his own cock, and he also has hands he can use to fuck me with the abovementioned cocks.

Now my guys, I see you out there. I see you with nothing but dick pics, with your low-effort as fuck profiles that tell me nothing about you or what you bring to the table other than having a dick. I see you with nothing in your profile filled out, or some generic paragraph about how you are chill and like to fuck. I see your lack of fetishes listed, or just a bunch of stuff about fuckin', and titties and shit. Dudes, this is a kink site, and we who you are contacting are not free-for-use fleshlights.

Unless that's our fetish, of course.

But see, here's the other thing, disembodied dick men- y'all don't even bother to read the profiles we've made an effort to write! You cast this wide-ass gill net on the internet, trawling for pussy. You send messages like "hi" and "what's up" and "hey how are you doing?" You say "I'm really interested in your profile" but you can't tell us why, because you just saw someone with a hole you want and clicked "send," usually with the same message you sent to like 200 other people with a hole you wanted. We can tell.

If your low-effort ass sends me a bunch of generic shit that isn't indicative of a personality whatsoever, and you ask me how I'm doing, I'm gonna tell you my back hurts from having to carry the conversation. "Ask me anything, I'm an open book!" Why the fuck would I do that? Your ass contacted me. Why do I have to do all the work? Let's have an actual adult conversation where we discuss interests and show our personalities.

But you know what? Even if you are just looking for a quick, easy, no-strings fuck (good luck my man) and you are looking for someone who is into the same (does their profile say so, though?) then you need to find a way to stand out. There is a phrase I have seen around the internet lately. "Dick is a cheap and plentiful resource." Billions of people have a dick, and many of them are looking for a place to put it.

Make an effort. Read the profile. Talk about yourself. Show something other than just a disembodied dick. It's emotionally illiterate. Hell, it's sexually illiterate. If you walk around in the street and just whip your dick out and say "hi what's up" your ass is gonna get maced. On the 'net, your ass is gonna get verbally maced. Make some goddamned effort. Show some fucking personality. Give us a reason to actually DESIRE you.

Don't lead with a fucking dick pic.

7 months ago. Jul 21, 2019, 12:22 AM

I'm going to go to NYC for the first time in my life, in October!
I'm super excited.
Does anybody there know what the good, safe, worthwhile kink stuff is there, and where to find it?
I'm guessing you have to know somebody to get in, but that isn't always the case.