I am polyamorous. This means that I bond with, and come to love, multiple romantic/sexual partners at once. It does NOT mean I give myself to anyone and everyone. It does NOT mean that I feel less, or compartmentalize more and separate myself from my emotions more. It doesn't mean I am more readily down to have a no-strings-attached, sex only arrangement. I may have the freedom to do so, but that isn't how I am wired. I need to care about the person. I bond. I bond deep and I bond hard, when it happens, and I can't really choose to bond or not bond. I take my time getting to know someone, making up my mind, and my heart makes up it's mind, too.
I come to love my partners just as deeply as a monogamous partner comes to love theirs.
As such, I have found that there are certain rules I really need to be hard-line about. Every time I make an exception, it ends in massive amounts of tears and heartbreak for me.
1. No "discreet," "our little secret" "no one can know" shit. Yeah, I absolutely understand and support you not wanting to lose your job because they will fire you for being poly and kinky. That's not what I mean. What I mean is, you need to actually be poly, or one of those incredibly rare mono partners who isn't bothered or hurt at all by ME being poly. The latter does NOT include someone who HAS a partner already, or who is waiting to find a "real" partner to be mono with. I'm not an experiment, a toy, or a placeholder. I'm not a bit of easy fun for you to fuck around on your partner with, either. I'm not gonna do that to myself, and you shouldn't be doing that to yourself or your partner. It will lead to suffering for everyone. It will. Your other partners need to know about me. I need to know about your other partners. I need to be able to check in with them.
2. Long distance? Nah. It'll end in tears. It's very hard to fully get to know someone only online. Even if we meet in person and hit it off, will we actually get on outside of the "vacation" stage? The only exception I can really think of to this would be someone who was willing and able to fly my butt to wherever they live for like, a week out of the month or something, once we have really established a relationship. The likelihood of that is incredibly low. Doing so whilst understanding that I am disabled and poor and cannot contribute financially is even lower. It's hard for a relationship to develop naturally this way. If I am having a hard day, can you come over? If you really are excited and found this amazing thing to do tonight, can I come over? If you get hurt and need someone to come caretake, can I reach you? We need to be able to have casual hang-out days, on top of fun, intense play days. We need to be able to work around one another's schedules. We need to be able to see the person behind the FANTASY of the person.
3. I'm here for both a good time AND a long time. I'm seeking long-term partners. Deep bonding. Sometimes things work out that way, sometimes they don't, but I'm not looking for a casual lay-n-leave. I'm not looking to be someone's sex toy when they're "in town for business" once a month or two. Also, that tends to coincide with rule #1, honestly. I'm fat, I'm kinky, I'm poly. I'm not easy. I just can't promise to keep it to "just friends who keep it casual and have a little fun." That's not where I'm at in life. I might bond. I might fall in love. I need to protect myself.