Ev's kink corner

Oh, my doves.

Why do you lie? Why, when trying to get together with someone, do you try to deceive them? What kind of foundation is that for a relationship? Hell, what kind of foundation is that for a one night stand? And why, oh, why, do you lie when it's so demonstrably OBVIOUS that you are lying? Do you think that it will get you anywhere?

I wonder, sometimes, if some of you, as children, drew all over the walls at home, and when your parents confronted you with your misdeed, you said, "I didn't do it!"

"Well, who did it, then, the dog? Did someone break into the house and do it?" they might have asked.

"I don't know! It was somebody else!" There were marker stains on your hands, and no other children lived there, but then... did... did your parents decide you were telling the truth? Did they say, "gosh, well, he said he didn't do it! It MUST have been the dog" and go punish the dog, or like, fill out a police report of breaking and entering toddlers?

I just... what's your endgame? How did you grow up like this?

My profile has entire-ass paragraphs. I'm looking for long term partners, and I truly do not believe it is too much to ask to read the whole "about me" section. It's incredibly rare for people who message me on here to actually do so. That, in and of itself, is pretty sad, but what's REALLY sad is when I ask someone if they HAVE read it, and they claim to have... but it is clear that they haven't.

There are specific instructions in my profile. A policy my Master and I have, and my own version of, I suppose, a human-oriented catchpa. "Are you a serious lifestyler, or are you a horny net guy who is just casting a wide net with form letters, trawling for pussy?"

Most people fail that catchpa pretty spectacularly. It isn't even hard to follow the directions. So, when they tell me, "I have read your entire profile," and they haven't followed the directions, it tells me one of two things:

1. They are a liar, and I cannot trust them. If they are going to lie about something as simple as this, I can't trust that they won't lie about their sexual practices, or actual experience in the lifestyle, or any number of things that are vital to my safety,

*or*

2. They DID read it, but have no respect for boundaries, and will try to trample over mine, thinking themselves an exception, for some reason, because of their Big Magical Dom Dick Energy, I guess? They don't think the rules apply to them. I cannot trust them to honor a safeword, not stealth me, or respect the boundaries of my relationships.

Congratulations, bro, you just played yourself.

Look, if you don't know something? BE HONEST. Nobody knows everything. It's ok! Maybe it'll mean we aren't compatible. That's ok! Better to find out now than have a disaster later because you were dishonest, ruining your reputation, and maybe lives, in the process, right?

If you didn't do something, BE HONEST. "No, sorry, looking at your tiddies got me excited, and I decided to message you, but I didn't read your profile. I'll do so now." Wow, see? Owning up to it, that shows you are responsible and willing to fix things, willing to work with someone and recognize that something is important to them. MASSIVE bonus points for then coming back with messaging my partner, and passing the catchpa.

Just, listen. Stop lying. I'm not your over-indulgent momma. I'm not gonna take your shit. I'm a sub, but I'm not YOUR sub, and I'm no-one's doormat. I wouldn't stay with a dom who was a liar, and I won't get together with one, either.

Be a responsible adult. Now, THAT'S sexy.

Being poly or mono isn't determined by your gender.

Getting top drop or not isn't determined by your gender.

Being dominant or submissive or a switch or a puppy or whatever isn't determined by your gender.

I...

Where are people even getting these ideas from? Seriously.

On July 1st, my Master piled into his car, also filled up with stuff, while my best friend/life partner, my two cats, and I, piled into my car. We began our long journey across the entire country to start our new lives in Syracuse, NY.

It was grueling and hard, but we made it! We made it, and it is so beautiful here- at least, what we've seen of it. We've also been hit hard by the heat wave, which overpowered the central air on day 3.

It's quite surreal, being in a totally new city that none of us had set eyes on before, other than via google street view. We only know one person here. So much is still shut because of the pandemic. We are living in strange and difficult times, but I really look forward to exploring my new home, and meeting new people.

I keenly miss those I left behind, however, including my tea sensei and an amazing dom. 

In just a few more days, Master, my beloved best friend, and I, are going to drive across the country with two cats and heavily-stuffed cars. 2,776 miles in 5 days!

Thanks to an amazing community of beloved friends, our pod is loaded and on its way to the new house. The house here is partially cleaned, and what is left, we will manage. We are going to do our best to get it as clean as possible for our wonderful landlord, who has become family over the years. 

Tomorrow, Got Junk is coming. I'm worried that it is going to cost us something insane like $1,400, because we just have so much stuff we need them to haul. We will find a way, though. Our window to get our financial ducks in a row will be significantly smaller, but still, we will do our best to survive, and hopefully, in time, thrive. 

No turning back now! We are doing this. Holy shit! 

I am devastated.

I am also a little excited.

See, we are losing our home, and we have, unfortunately, come to the conclusion that despite our best efforts, we cannot possibly afford to remain in the bay area.

I love it here. This is my home. I have lived here my entire adult life. I have numerous communities here. I have beloved friends, chosen family, lovers, and an amazing tea ceremony mentor here. I love the culture. I love the food. I love Wicked Grounds, I love our scene, I love the redwoods, and I love Stanford hospital. I get the medications I need, here.

It's gonna really hurt, and I'm scared that things won't work out wherever we move to. I'm worried that we won't fit in. I'm worried that I will be lonely and sad.

However!

We are looking at Syracuse, NY. The housing there is so cheap compared to here that we could finally afford a house that we wouldn't have to share with housemates. We could live our lifestyle full time, if we wanted. We wouldn't have to live in fear of losing out home at any moment. We could maybe even save money. Buy some nice furniture. Have enough room in the fridge, at last. Bring out the nice cooking supplies and dishware. Have a LIVING ROOM. Not be pressed in on all sides by too many people sharing too little space.

We could host play parties, if we made good connections in the local kink community. We could exercise in a real back yard! My autoimmune disease is still here, and that would be a long trip to a qualified hospital, but on the plus side, NYC is a little over 4 hours away, so we'd get to visit that at least a few times a year, and I do have a number of friends there.

There is someone there. I really, really, really hope things work out with him, too. I'm feeling pretty gun-shy. I've had my trust betrayed a lot. I've been ghosted a lot. I've had people talk a big talk and then drop me after playing with me once. I've had a lot of people promise one thing and deliver another, but... if it works out with this guy, then I will be a very happy sub, I think.

I want to be able to be the creature that I really am, as much of the time as possible.

So.

Since the bay area is now actively hostile to the poor and disabled, since we don't make six figures and are no longer welcome here, we will forge ahead and try to build a new life for ourselves.

Here's to a future that moves beyond surviving to actually living, and thriving!

If, that is, we survive the pandemic.

Setting them up to fail or succeed

I once had a martial arts instructor whose only teaching method was telling people how terrible they were.

I think, looking back, that he believed it would make his students tough. I think he believed it would motivate them to try harder. He also didn't allow people to set boundaries, and I think, honestly, he got off on bullying and torturing people. You had to fight like hell to set boundaries with him, and if you succeeded, you got some respect from him, but it was hell on wheels to get there.

Once, he told me that I was the worst brown belt fighter he had ever seen in my life. He later said "you knew that wasn't true!" But I didn't. He insisted that one of his rules in life was to always tell the truth. He held us to it, and he gave the IMPRESSION that he held himself to it, but he turned out to be a rather deceptive individual. Often, he would present the truth in a way that manipulated the listener into believing the opposite. Often, he would lie, too. But before I came to realize that, I trusted him and believed that he was telling me the truth. He was my instructor. I was supposed to trust him. Believe him without question. It was the protocol he required.

So, I believed him. My confidence plummeted. As a white belt, I could shatter 6 bricks. As a brown belt, I often couldn't even break one. Every time he put me down, I believed him. Every time he set me up to fail and told me it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or wasn't good enough, I believed him.

But what if he told me what I'd done well, and encouraged me? What if he showed me what I needed to work on, and how to improve it, instead of putting me down and yelling "FIGURE IT OUT?" What kind of martial artist would I have become? How would my fights game have changed? How would my motivation grown?

I had a dominant whose techniques were very similar to the martial arts instructor above. He would purposefully set me up to fail. He would react with fury. He would punish me for setting boundaries, even when asked for in the meekest fashion, because something he demanded of me wasn't safe. He trampled boundaries and told me I sucked at everything I did, though I was desperate to please him, to make him happy, to do well. I just wanted to be a good girl, and nothing I did was ever good enough for him.

Then, when I got home, he would chew me out and mindfuck me for hours, accusing me of lying, demanding the "true" answer, even though I'd already told him the truth, and telling me to figure it out. I started trying to tell him what he wanted to hear, since he never believed me when he told the truth. I started shutting down. I started self-medicating. I would give him a smile, out of love, out of devotion, or affection, and he'd respond my slamming me against the wall and choking me out. He would threaten to abandon me. He would give me the silent treatment. Or he would beat the shit out of me. I loved him, though it wasn't a healthy love, and I would try, harder and harder and harder, to make him happy, but it was never good enough. Never.

I'd cry for hours, after. Once, I had to go to the hospital because the pain from something he did was so bad. After a month I was worried it might be cervical cancer or something. I told him, because he told me to always tell him if something was wrong, and he berated me for "whining." "I have no use for a wimpy sub," he said.

So, he lost me. He lost me without knowing he'd lost me. I built my armor up. I did what I could to defend myself. A lot of it was really, really unhealthy. I learned to hide my distress. I rolled over and let him trample my boundaries, hoping that if I was good enough, he'd really love me, he'd really love the submissive I was.

It doesn't work that way, though. It was a very toxic relationship. I wanted so badly to show him a different way, too, but that was also not my responsibility. I'm still healing from that, but I sure as hell am strong with my boundaries, now. I did learn from it. Just, not the things I think he intended for me to learn.

But what if he had approached differently? What if he had sought enthusiastic, informed consent? What if he had encouraged me? What if he had let me feel heard? What if he had set his ego aside and worked WITH me to build something beautiful and trusting? What if he had paid attention to my distress and adjusted? What if he had allowed kindness to be a part of his domination? Empathy?

You don't have to be perpetually cruel and harsh to be dominant. Dominance doesn't have to be angry- in fact, I have always been taught, and I have always TAUGHT, to never strike out of anger. Dominance isn't about showing that you can hit harder than the other person.

Dominance isn't about being the biggest predator in the room so that nobody can ever prey on you again, but I have seen walking wounded people try to USE it that way, like the dom I was with. I see a lot of people with untreated trauma who tell themselves they are over it, that they've mastered it, when really they have only pushed it down, and the damage comes out in toxic ways. There's no shame in getting mental health care, any more than there is in getting a broken bone set. Same goes for subs who are trapped in an endless victim cycle. People, this stuff takes WORK and we shouldn't be forcing our partners to try to "fix" us in ways that they cannot. A lot of this work is internal, and if you need help with it, professional help is best! No one is perfect. We're all works in progress. Partners support each other, but we need balance. It shouldn't become a burden and we shouldn't sacrifice our partners on the altars of our issues, either.

For me, and for quite a lot of other subs, being set up for success is a beautiful thing. We WANT to do well. We want to learn how to please you best! We take great joy in being good, in doing what you want, in making you happy. We want you to feel that rush you get when you realize our will is subsumed, that we would do just about anything to please you. Please don't break that. Please don't kill the light in our eyes that shines when we look at you.

For those of us subs who thrive on positive re-enforcement- we are looking to you to guide us. To protect our vulnerable psyche, because when we submit to you, we lose a lot of our defenses. When we surrender, the walls come down. The ways in which we brace ourselves against the callousness of the mundane world dissolve under your hand. When we let you take us on a journey, please, try to not drop us.

At some point, you will fuck up. At some point, we will, too. We will hurt one another. We will misunderstand. We will make mistakes. This is normal. This is human.

But let's give one another the opportunity to learn and improve. To make things better. Failure can be a great teacher, but only when there is a possibility of success. Failure can be approached with kindness, or fun. Even a harsh punishment doesn't have to be emotionally damaging. Let your sub know that it will be ok. That they will be forgiven. The slate will be wiped clean. And do not give them more than they can handle. BELIEVE them when they tell you where that line IS. Do not break their trust. No one is a perfect magical romance novel dom who always knows their sub better than their sub knows themself. And thank fuck for that, because honestly, those motherfuckers are hella problematic.

For me, when I know I have done well, when I know my efforts are appreciated, even if I don't succeed, knowing that my honestly trying has pleased my dom? THAT is what motivates me. That giddy joy is what propels me further, deeper into service, into submission, into pushing myself to be better than I was before, to open up more, to give more, to work even harder.

I treasure my partners. Their strengths. Their vulnerabilities, too. I work to always hear and respect their needs and boundaries. Doms have those, too, you know. Having a partner who does the same for me, it's freeing. It's joyful. I know that there is a floor under my feet. I know I'll be caught if I fall. And when I know that, I can dare to fly.

Lift me up, and I will soar with you.

*****

Side note, because it should be said- some people DO learn best from an instructor who always tells them they suck. It DOES motivate them to just work harder, to prove them wrong. Some people DO love a dominant who is always harsh and cruel and who they can never do well enough for. Different people learn and love different ways... but make sure you and your partner both flourish from the same STYLE of D/s. There is no one true way, no one-size-fits-all for D/s, and people are not interchangeable. Having more than one tool in your toolbox is a really great thing- make sure you have some tools that work well together!

Hello! So!

I am polyamorous. This means that I bond with, and come to love, multiple romantic/sexual partners at once. It does NOT mean I give myself to anyone and everyone. It does NOT mean that I feel less, or compartmentalize more and separate myself from my emotions more. It doesn't mean I am more readily down to have a no-strings-attached, sex only arrangement. I may have the freedom to do so, but that isn't how I am wired. I need to care about the person. I bond. I bond deep and I bond hard, when it happens, and I can't really choose to bond or not bond. I take my time getting to know someone, making up my mind, and my heart makes up it's mind, too.

I come to love my partners just as deeply as a monogamous partner comes to love theirs.

As such, I have found that there are certain rules I really need to be hard-line about. Every time I make an exception, it ends in massive amounts of tears and heartbreak for me.

1. No "discreet," "our little secret" "no one can know" shit. Yeah, I absolutely understand and support you not wanting to lose your job because they will fire you for being poly and kinky. That's not what I mean. What I mean is, you need to actually be poly, or one of those incredibly rare mono partners who isn't bothered or hurt at all by ME being poly. The latter does NOT include someone who HAS a partner already, or who is waiting to find a "real" partner to be mono with. I'm not an experiment, a toy, or a placeholder. I'm not a bit of easy fun for you to fuck around on your partner with, either. I'm not gonna do that to myself, and you shouldn't be doing that to yourself or your partner. It will lead to suffering for everyone. It will. Your other partners need to know about me. I need to know about your other partners. I need to be able to check in with them.

2. Long distance? Nah. It'll end in tears. It's very hard to fully get to know someone only online. Even if we meet in person and hit it off, will we actually get on outside of the "vacation" stage? The only exception I can really think of to this would be someone who was willing and able to fly my butt to wherever they live for like, a week out of the month or something, once we have really established a relationship. The likelihood of that is incredibly low. Doing so whilst understanding that I am disabled and poor and cannot contribute financially is even lower. It's hard for a relationship to develop naturally this way. If I am having a hard day, can you come over? If you really are excited and found this amazing thing to do tonight, can I come over? If you get hurt and need someone to come caretake, can I reach you? We need to be able to have casual hang-out days, on top of fun, intense play days. We need to be able to work around one another's schedules. We need to be able to see the person behind the FANTASY of the person.

3. I'm here for both a good time AND a long time. I'm seeking long-term partners. Deep bonding. Sometimes things work out that way, sometimes they don't, but I'm not looking for a casual lay-n-leave. I'm not looking to be someone's sex toy when they're "in town for business" once a month or two. Also, that tends to coincide with rule #1, honestly. I'm fat, I'm kinky, I'm poly. I'm not easy. I just can't promise to keep it to "just friends who keep it casual and have a little fun." That's not where I'm at in life. I might bond. I might fall in love. I need to protect myself.

So.
I had my fun in NYC, with many friends and many things to see.
Now I'm back home, and the podiatrist says I must be immobilized or my Achilles tendon WILL rupture and snap, requiring a really awful, painful surgery with a very, very long recovery time.
So.
I am in a leg cast. It is hell. I cannot drive anywhere. I can kind of "walk," but not really. I've lost my mobility and independence, yet again.
I wish I had a broken doll fetish or something, but truly, I do not. 
Fuck.
It's been less than a day and I'm so miserable. It's super painful, y'all. 
Goddammitt. 

My awesome friend really showed me a great time in NYC!

We started by meeting at Grand Central station. I wanted, quite badly, to get the jump on him, and hid next to the correct doorways, which I intuited, but he happened to come through the one I WASN'T watching at that very moment. Bah! Someday. Maybe. 

We headed into Koreatown, where we had some really excellent Korean BBQ. 

From there, we went to a rooftop lounge where I could see a bunch of the city- at least, what I could see above the level of the fencing, which was taller than I was. There was a downstairs section with huge floor to ceiling windows and velvety couches as well. My friend and I got to know each other as people in physical reality, since we'd only met in computer games before that day. We both enjoy analyzing people and figuring out their tells, so it was quite a lot of fun, though I completely failed to have any kind of poker face with him. I was having too much fun! 

Also, when I really really trust somebody, it's so hard to be guarded.

After a drink, we went to a classy bar with a big lit-up maze on the ceiling. The food was excellent, as were the drinks. I almost never drink, but I had a total of THREE that night. My friend, however, had 10 and somehow wasn't at all sick, or any less suave, hah. He made a lot of jokes about murdering me, but I knew I was safe. I even felt fine with letting him get drinks for us both without me watching- normally I'm quite vigilant about that sort of thing. 

From there, we went to our fourth and final destination, and it was AMAZING. 

A classy joint, total hidden gem. Lots of gorgeous embellishments to the interior, ranging from Art Deco to Rococo. There, we had an incredible three course meal- duck confit with wine-soaked pear, butter-soft tender pork shoulder with green beans and mashed potato, but really really classed up, and vanilla bean cheese cake.

Then the fun really began.

A burlesque show! A wicked, sexy, interactive burlesque show with live music, an incredible singer, and FIRE! 

Gonna treasure that day for a long time. I do love surprises like that! 

I am in New York City at last!

I have a great friend here, and tomorrow he is going to take me out on the town on a day of mysteries! I'm really looking forward to finding out just what he has in store for me. We are meeting at grand central station at a certain time. After that, I have no idea what's coming, except some sort of event in the evening that I helped pay for tickets to. 

I can't remember the last time somebody completely surprised me with an entire day of activities. I love it. I love not knowing what's going to happen next, except that it'll be full of fun new experiences that have been picked out for me with care. <3