Ev's kink corner

This is a deep well of unmitigated suck.

My right Achilles tendon has a partial rupture. I have to be in a walking boot. I might end up in a cast, or even having surgery. 

I am still going to NYC- the plane tickets and lodging are paid for. 

It'll be really hard to get around, though. NYC is a walking city, and their disability accommodations are spotty. The doctor told me to take a cab everywhere. That's quite expensive, though. 

And... I miss feeling sexy. It's hard to feel sexy like this. It just feels vulnerable and sad. 

Darlings. Loves.

Some of you wonderful doms and dommes out there, be you new or experienced? We need to talk. Briefly.

You see, for some reason, it would appear that some of you, while being native speakers of English, have mistaken yourselves for a verb. My dear ones, this is not so! You may take action and dominate someone. There are many great ways to dominate!

There is, however, no way to BE a dominate.

The term you are looking for is "dominant." Often, we use "dom" for short. You can say, "I am a dominant person." "I am a dom." "I am on the dominant side of the kink spectrum." " I am a dominant looking for a submissive."

You can also say "I am a true dominate," but you will be incorrect. 

Friends don't let friends try to be verbs. 

Much love,

-Ev

Honestly, this always looks like a red flag to me.

Why would someone only want an inexperienced submissive? They aren't cars that will break down because they got driven around for a while. They are not cars, or sandwiches, or locks in doors, or any other random inanimate object. Every relationship and interaction is unique, so there's still plenty of space for wonder. They aren't impossible to "re-train," I mean, we're talking about sentient beings here, even if they are role-playing as something that is not. They might or might not have emotional damage from exes. Welcome to being human. A grown-ass adult can deal with it, and encourage their partner to get professional therapy if needed, since that is a therapist's job, and not one's partner's job.

So, why do people want an inexperienced sub? 

Because honestly, the only reason I can come up with is that they don't want the sub to know better. Like, they want someone who is easier to manipulate, control, and deceive... and I don't mean in a good way. I don't mean in a sexy way. 

Perhaps the dom is new and feels intimidated by playing with a sub who is more experienced than they are? My primary certainly was. But there's a phrase in the horsemanship world- "green on green makes black and blue." It may be a case of wanting someone to learn together with, but in that case? Include that in your ad, and understand that you should really seek out classes and a mentor even then, if it is possible. 

Otherwise, at best it seems like ego or toxic monogamy (there's healthy monogamy, but flipping out about partners someone had before you came on the scene ain't it) at best, or at worst, a sign of a predator. 

Sometimes, when I write, I pour my lust into it, my heart, my yearning. It's hard to write erotica when the yearning hurts. Maybe tonight I will find my way, with the help of other kinky authors. We have a munch at Wicked Grounds, the kink cafe which is the heart of San Francisco's BDSM community. I have friends there. Maybe they can help.

Sometimes when I hurt, my instincts cause me to curl up in a little defensive ball. I isolate myself. I seek escapism. I don't lean on my friends, though I still encourage them to lean on me for support. It's old, old wounds. The little voice in the back of my head that I found when I was a child. The one born of trauma. That voice says "you can't count on anyone. No one will help you. No one can save you but you. Don't depend on anyone. They will let you down."

More dangerously, the voice will say, "set aside your own needs. Set aside your own comfort and safety. Set aside your desires. Set aside your emotions. If you let it show, they will run. They will leave you. They will strike you. They will hurt you. Endure, endure, endure. Give, give, give. But don't you set a boundary. Don't you take." That fawn response to trauma, it's creepers and vines are strangling my garden. I cannot flourish. I cannot bloom. Not if I listen to that voice. 

So, instead of curling up in bed at home, I will go to work and then I will go to hang out with my community. I will see if I can write, but even if I can't, I'll see my friends, and I'll talk to them. I'll let myself take up space. I'll let myself talk. I'll let myself ask for support. 

I have to take the advice that I give, after all. 

Lads. Gentlemen. Masq-folks. All y'all with a penis that you like having.

We need to chat for a moment.

Now, I don't wanna stereotype, but in my experience, there's this phenomenon with some cis, het men on the internet. Lots of cis, het men on the internet.

Y'all. You make your disembodied dick your profile pic. It's just floating there, over your shoved-down boxer-briefs. Usually either in front of a mattress with no sheets on it, or obviously in a bathroom. The background is fairly immaterial, but there's something you need to know-

You are clearly proud of having a penis.

Random people who you message? We aren't impressed. Most men have penises. It's... it's not a rare thing.

Me, I have a whole dishwasher worth of cocks. Cocks in really interesting shapes and sizes. Cocks in pretty, swirly colors. Cocks that never go soft. Cocks that can never give me a disease. Cocks that won't be getting anybody pregnant. Cocks. So many cocks. I can get cocks. I can buy a fucking machine, and have something else fuck me with those cocks. I have a partner with his own cock, and he also has hands he can use to fuck me with the abovementioned cocks.

Now my guys, I see you out there. I see you with nothing but dick pics, with your low-effort as fuck profiles that tell me nothing about you or what you bring to the table other than having a dick. I see you with nothing in your profile filled out, or some generic paragraph about how you are chill and like to fuck. I see your lack of fetishes listed, or just a bunch of stuff about fuckin', and titties and shit. Dudes, this is a kink site, and we who you are contacting are not free-for-use fleshlights.

Unless that's our fetish, of course.

But see, here's the other thing, disembodied dick men- y'all don't even bother to read the profiles we've made an effort to write! You cast this wide-ass gill net on the internet, trawling for pussy. You send messages like "hi" and "what's up" and "hey how are you doing?" You say "I'm really interested in your profile" but you can't tell us why, because you just saw someone with a hole you want and clicked "send," usually with the same message you sent to like 200 other people with a hole you wanted. We can tell.

If your low-effort ass sends me a bunch of generic shit that isn't indicative of a personality whatsoever, and you ask me how I'm doing, I'm gonna tell you my back hurts from having to carry the conversation. "Ask me anything, I'm an open book!" Why the fuck would I do that? Your ass contacted me. Why do I have to do all the work? Let's have an actual adult conversation where we discuss interests and show our personalities.

But you know what? Even if you are just looking for a quick, easy, no-strings fuck (good luck my man) and you are looking for someone who is into the same (does their profile say so, though?) then you need to find a way to stand out. There is a phrase I have seen around the internet lately. "Dick is a cheap and plentiful resource." Billions of people have a dick, and many of them are looking for a place to put it.

Make an effort. Read the profile. Talk about yourself. Show something other than just a disembodied dick. It's emotionally illiterate. Hell, it's sexually illiterate. If you walk around in the street and just whip your dick out and say "hi what's up" your ass is gonna get maced. On the 'net, your ass is gonna get verbally maced. Make some goddamned effort. Show some fucking personality. Give us a reason to actually DESIRE you.

Don't lead with a fucking dick pic.

I'm going to go to NYC for the first time in my life, in October!
I'm super excited.
Does anybody there know what the good, safe, worthwhile kink stuff is there, and where to find it?
I'm guessing you have to know somebody to get in, but that isn't always the case. 

Do you have a friend or partner that you feel the need to protect everyone else in your life from?

Are you actually safe from them, or are you hoping that you will be the exception to their rule?

Are you sacrificing yourself at their altar?

Are you hoping that enduring and ignoring the red flags enough will keep you safe and change them, or at least keep others safe from them?

I can assure you that you are not safe, and you will not be the exception. They will not change. Get out while you can.

I did this. I did this because of the fawn response to trauma that was deeply ingrained in me due to my CPTSD- trying to "earn" love by setting aside my own safety and needs, ignoring red flags, enduring, suffering.
I did this because I thought "if he's hurting me, maybe he'll focus on me and not hurt anybody else."
I did this without consciously realizing it. I thought, "well, I wouldn't suggest anybody else play with him. He's too intense. He's too hardcore. It wouldn't be safe," but I didn't think about the fact that it wasn't safe for me, either. That there was no virtue in enduring suffering I wasn't ok with. That my value as a submissive didn't depend on letting him trample my boundaries, even though he tried like hell to program that into me.
I did this, thinking "I can weather the emotional blows. I can heal from the physical trauma." I knew I could survive a lot, because I'd had to survive a lot. That didn't mean it was good, or healthy, or something I should tolerate. A healthy relationship isn't an endurance test that proves to you that you can survive anything.
If you have to protect everyone from someone you are involved with, ask yourself why, and why you are still involved. Ask yourself why you feel that what they offer is worth the price, and why you don't feel you can get what they offer elsewhere in a healthy fashion from a person you can trust.

I am soon to be a published author!

Well, I've written for a martial arts magazine before, but now I have two short stories being published in a little book, and all of the proceeds from the sale of the book are being donated to the San Francisco AIDSWalk! I can't think of a better way to become a formal, published author of stories. I hope that people will buy it, and that the money will help humanity.

In the 90s, when AIDS was a death sentence for sure, and many people found themselves utterly abandoned by everyone in their lives, my mother delivered meals to patients who were too ill to cool all the time, but not yet in hospice care... or unable to afford hospice care. 

I remember once, going to visit a man with my other. It was his birthday. Nobody came. Nobody even called him. Just us, with our little meal for him. He wept and we held him. When we got in the car, Mom and I sobbed and sobbed. 

If I can make one person's life a tiny bit better, I'll do it. 

And hey, I can add a little smut to the world, so there's that, too.

One of the stories was written for an ex who turned out to not take the safety of others seriously. Well, fine. Instead of letting the story rot because it hurts my heart to look at it, I put it in the compilation. People thought it was hot, so I decided to release it to the world. 

The other story, I wrote for my Master, Ashigeru, many years ago. We were newly in love, and I had only recently begun to study martial arts. It is a story that makes me smile. It is also a story that, I am happy to report, got me laid. 

Anyway, the title of this post is the title of the book. I'm not sure exactly when the publisher will release it, but I think it might be on Kindle eventually? 

I wanted to write about the joy of it somewhere, and not where that ex lurks. 

Now, if only I can get over my CURRENT writer's block, and get this hot new story started! 

I could write a long piece about communication and expectations, victim complexes and dry drunk mindsets, but the long and the short of it is that I went to Australia for three weeks, things got weird and distant with no explanation, but seemed mostly ok, and then they went nuts on me a couple weeks after I got home. Apparently I didn't rescue them from themselves and didn't behave perfectly the way they wanted me to, and I should have known exactly what they wanted without them having to say.
Oh, there is so much more to it, but suffice to say, they weren't ready for poly, and don't know how to have healthy relationships. 
I've been trying to pull myself out of the humiliation, heartbreak, and anger (they got really nasty, and even angrier I think that I didn't agree and hate on myself *or* give them an abusive villain to hate by slinging personal insults and criticisms like they did) but I'm getting there, slowly.

Not sure when I'll be willing to try again with a second partner. I won't say that I never will again- that's always what I feel after a breakup, but it isn't my nature. It isn't my orientation. I will fall in love again.

Master Ashigeru and I are going strong, though.

I've been really sick, but I'm working to claw my way back from that. 

So, what's been happening on The Cage?

"you aren't being stalked! Stop peering in the bushes out your window!" 

(I'm being stalked online.)