Ev's kink corner

Do you have a friend or partner that you feel the need to protect everyone else in your life from?

Are you actually safe from them, or are you hoping that you will be the exception to their rule?

Are you sacrificing yourself at their altar?

Are you hoping that enduring and ignoring the red flags enough will keep you safe and change them, or at least keep others safe from them?

I can assure you that you are not safe, and you will not be the exception. They will not change. Get out while you can.

I did this. I did this because of the fawn response to trauma that was deeply ingrained in me due to my CPTSD- trying to "earn" love by setting aside my own safety and needs, ignoring red flags, enduring, suffering.
I did this because I thought "if he's hurting me, maybe he'll focus on me and not hurt anybody else."
I did this without consciously realizing it. I thought, "well, I wouldn't suggest anybody else play with him. He's too intense. He's too hardcore. It wouldn't be safe," but I didn't think about the fact that it wasn't safe for me, either. That there was no virtue in enduring suffering I wasn't ok with. That my value as a submissive didn't depend on letting him trample my boundaries, even though he tried like hell to program that into me.
I did this, thinking "I can weather the emotional blows. I can heal from the physical trauma." I knew I could survive a lot, because I'd had to survive a lot. That didn't mean it was good, or healthy, or something I should tolerate. A healthy relationship isn't an endurance test that proves to you that you can survive anything.
If you have to protect everyone from someone you are involved with, ask yourself why, and why you are still involved. Ask yourself why you feel that what they offer is worth the price, and why you don't feel you can get what they offer elsewhere in a healthy fashion from a person you can trust.

I am soon to be a published author!

Well, I've written for a martial arts magazine before, but now I have two short stories being published in a little book, and all of the proceeds from the sale of the book are being donated to the San Francisco AIDSWalk! I can't think of a better way to become a formal, published author of stories. I hope that people will buy it, and that the money will help humanity.

In the 90s, when AIDS was a death sentence for sure, and many people found themselves utterly abandoned by everyone in their lives, my mother delivered meals to patients who were too ill to cool all the time, but not yet in hospice care... or unable to afford hospice care. 

I remember once, going to visit a man with my other. It was his birthday. Nobody came. Nobody even called him. Just us, with our little meal for him. He wept and we held him. When we got in the car, Mom and I sobbed and sobbed. 

If I can make one person's life a tiny bit better, I'll do it. 

And hey, I can add a little smut to the world, so there's that, too.

One of the stories was written for an ex who turned out to not take the safety of others seriously. Well, fine. Instead of letting the story rot because it hurts my heart to look at it, I put it in the compilation. People thought it was hot, so I decided to release it to the world. 

The other story, I wrote for my Master, Ashigeru, many years ago. We were newly in love, and I had only recently begun to study martial arts. It is a story that makes me smile. It is also a story that, I am happy to report, got me laid. 

Anyway, the title of this post is the title of the book. I'm not sure exactly when the publisher will release it, but I think it might be on Kindle eventually? 

I wanted to write about the joy of it somewhere, and not where that ex lurks. 

Now, if only I can get over my CURRENT writer's block, and get this hot new story started! 

I could write a long piece about communication and expectations, victim complexes and dry drunk mindsets, but the long and the short of it is that I went to Australia for three weeks, things got weird and distant with no explanation, but seemed mostly ok, and then they went nuts on me a couple weeks after I got home. Apparently I didn't rescue them from themselves and didn't behave perfectly the way they wanted me to, and I should have known exactly what they wanted without them having to say.
Oh, there is so much more to it, but suffice to say, they weren't ready for poly, and don't know how to have healthy relationships. 
I've been trying to pull myself out of the humiliation, heartbreak, and anger (they got really nasty, and even angrier I think that I didn't agree and hate on myself *or* give them an abusive villain to hate by slinging personal insults and criticisms like they did) but I'm getting there, slowly.

Not sure when I'll be willing to try again with a second partner. I won't say that I never will again- that's always what I feel after a breakup, but it isn't my nature. It isn't my orientation. I will fall in love again.

Master Ashigeru and I are going strong, though.

I've been really sick, but I'm working to claw my way back from that. 

So, what's been happening on The Cage?

"you aren't being stalked! Stop peering in the bushes out your window!" 

(I'm being stalked online.)

Hello, fellow kinksters!

After a number of unfortunate revelations over the years, and careful consideration, I've decided I am going to have some firm, universal policies in place for ANY new partner.

Now, I don't mean a bit of nonsexual pick-up play at the Citadel, here. A wee spanking session or what-have-you. I'm not often down for that, but if we are going to have deep, involved play, especially someplace private, we're going to have some discussions, and we are going to exchange some information. If this isn't acceptible to you, that's cool. No harm, no foul- I wish you luck in finding a partner who is right for you. 

You might feel insulted by these rules. After all, *YOU* know what kind of person you are! But see... I don't yet. Even if I have known you for years, I might not, really. I've been bamboozled before, y'see, many a time. The only way to make it fair is to make these policies universal. Lots of people act offended because they ARE hiding something essential, and they try to guilt, bluster, bully, gaslight, and pressure their way out of revealing it. Maybe they have an STD. Maybe they have a wife at home. Maybe they are lying to a bunch of people about a bunch of things.

1. I'm gonna need to see some ID.

If I am going to trust you enough to blindfold me, tie me up, play with me, etc, etc, then I'm going to need more than your scene name. I'll show you my driver's license or passport if you'll show me yours! If we don't trust each other with our names, we probably shouldn't trust each other with deeply involved BDSM scenes or sex.

Yeah, I've actually had people lie to me about their entire identity. This way, barring fake IDs I guess, we both get to know the legal name of the other person. I'm not gonna do anything sinister with that.

2. I'm gonna need to see some current paperwork with your name on it and the dates of your STD testing if we are going to have sexual contact that has the risk of either of us contracting any diseases. We also need honest communication.

"I got tested baby, I'm clean!" Amazing how nobody in the scene ever has any STDs even though it's statistically impossible. Also amazing how many people don't realize what STDs are. Test results don't guarantee safety, but they do aid with risk assessment.

For example- have you ever had a cold sore? You have HSV1! This can be transferred to genitals, oh yes it can! This is an STD. This can shed asymptomatically. Chances are, most of us have been exposed. You will have to argue with your physician a bit to get the blood test for HSV, which will simply show if you have the antibodies or not. It may be that you have been exposed (you very very likely have) but have never had any symptoms. Maybe you also will never shed the virus, maybe it's not active in you and never has been. Then again, people can transfer it without having had symptoms. This is why you need to know, and need to be able to tell your partner- so they can assess the risk, and give informed consent. Lying about it or hiding it is super not cool. I bring this one up specifically because SO DAMNED MANY people don't realize that HSV1 can cause genital herpes sores. They will know they have HSV1, but they won't tell anybody. They will tell their partners they have no STDs when they have an STD. It's a betrayal of trust, though half the time it seems to come from complete ignorance. The CDC's website can give you plenty of information about it.

Do any of your partners have STDs? You might not have any symptoms yourself, so you feel you are safe- but don't make that decision for your other partners, or their partners! D I S C L O S E that shit. Make sure everyone can make informed decisions. Otherwise, you could fuck up someone's life without meaning to. You could seriously upset them.

Are you fluid bonded with anyone? Do you wear condoms, use gloves, dental dams, or not? With how many people? Yeah, we're gonna talk about that. Please be honest. I will.

3. If we are going to be in a relationship, I won't be your dirty little secret.

Cheating. I'm not about that.

A. Have a primary partner? Be honest about this. I will want to meet them. In person, or over video chat, at least, to verify that they do actually consent to you seeing me. They consent, but don't want to know who it is? Sorry, we aren't right for each other then. Maybe you are telling the truth, but I feel like you and your partner probably aren't really ready for the type of polyamory I practice if they cannot face the reality of it. Maybe you are like a number of partners I have had in the past, where I took their word for it but HEY GUESS WHAT? They were lying, and their partner didn't know about me or consent! That's cheating. It's complicated? Sorry about that, friend, I hope you and your partner work out the complications. You and I are not meant to be. I want to make sure people are giving informed consent, and that I am, too!

Plus, I've found that I feel a lot better about someone seeing my beloved once I've met them, and it is nice to feel respected. I've met many partners-of-partners who felt the same. Communication. It's pretty vital.

B. We are not gonna hide.

No, I don't need you to post "hey I fisted my wife AND my girlfriend" on your Great Aunt Maude's facebook page. But FFS, I'm really going to wonder if you won't ever go on a date with me, or go to a play party, munch, or kink event with me. Are you some powerful famous politician or some shit who must see me only in secret? Oh come on, no you're not, lawl. There is no need to us to hide from our own community if you are being on the level with me. Been there, done that, not gonna do it again, thanks. Kiss me at Wicked Grounds. Introduce me to some of your friends. I'll introduce you to some of mine. I won't be with anyone who is ashamed to be with me. I won't go through that shit again. I don't want any of my partners to feel like that, either. I'm not here to help someone cheat on anyone, and I'm not here to be someone's option that they can use when nothing they see as "better" is around. Nope! I will cherish you and be proud to be with you, and I will only do that if you feel the same.

C. It's totally fucking reasonable for us to know where the other lives, if we are involved, and be able to visit.

I can't ever come over at 7pm to watch a movie or have dinner? You can only meet me at a hotel during lunch time? Golly, I wonder why? Yeah, you're probably hiding something pretty big. If you don't trust me with knowing where you live, then our genitals probably shouldn't be commingling, either. I'm not saying I need your social security number and home address the first time we have coffee. In an actual relationship, or if we are regular play partners, even, we should be able to visit one another's homes.

Besides, making dinner together is fun! Also, visiting my place gives me motivation to clean it.

Let's be safe, and let's start out with a good, solid foundation of trust, respect, communication, and informed consent!

Hello everyone, 
It has been a while! Apologies.

Things are really great between Master and I. Ashigeru is absolutely wonderful. I couldn't ask for a better partner and mate. He takes such good care of me, and our scenes are fucking hot.

My Aussies and I are pining for one another, hard. It's a big part of why I don't do LDRs... and yet, I ended up in one. Heh.

Still, some day we might all live in the same area. Here's hoping!

I got my travel visa, and I have blocked out three weeks for Australia in September. I can't wait... and we've all been talking a lot about what we will do.

It should be a nice little test, too. How will we do, living on top of each other for three weeks? It can take about three years to really get to know a partner well, and that's with regular in-person interactions, so we have a long ways to go, but wow have we ever bonded. 

I want my pack all together already.

It's an ache.

A long ache, with little staccato flashes of memories. The look in his eyes. Her lashes fluttering. The feel of my hand inside her. The feel of him driving deep into me. All wrapped up together, panting, cuddling, sweat cooling. Realizing he was getting up to start again. Seeing how kind and open she was with my Master. Remembering how he worked to make sure I felt safe.

They are so far away. That's why I don't do this, this long distance stuff. It's a long, deep ache with unfulfilled desire.

They speak of moving here. We will see if it happens.

They're flying me out to stay with them for three weeks in September.

I hope

the reality of me

is enough

compared to

the ideal of me. 

The internet and a lot of industries will tell you that no one will want you because of your body shape, or your age or hairline or whatever. 

They are full of shit, though. 

I am one happy person today. You know, I'm fatter than ever, and I am older than I ever was before. Getting close to 40. But I'm getting fucked and loved by awesome good quality people more now than ever before. 

Don't give up hope. Amazing, wonderful things can happen. 

I'm walking bowlegged, haha. 

Between hot as fuck lovong sex with my beloved Master celebrating our anniversary, a hot as fuck loving threesome with my new pack, and some excellent pounding from my MMA fighter buddy, my joints are screaming but my heart is high. 

I have my leather family. Master and I are solid. My buddy and I have a good, easy friendship. My skittish partner is skittish so he will probably always be on the peripheral, but he knows we are family. The couple are going home to Australia but I'm going to visit them in September. That's the hardest part of all of this- they are so very far away, and I am gonna miss the hell out of them. 

But isn't that amazing and wonderful? I didn't have to "earn" love by shrinking my body. You don't have to put your life on hold because your body isn't physically "correct" according to society. Fuck that! Love! Enjoy! Go make yourselves walk bowlegged! A ton of hot sexy people who are themselves a wide range of body types are out there, waiting. 

Got my bedroom all ready, but they got their wires crossed and-
Didn't realize we were supposed to spend all day together.
Couldn't spend the night because no one would feed the cat at the place they were house sitting at.
Were experiencing bad sub drop/ dom drop, dread about going back home to Australia, and eh, I think something else was going on, too.

We went out for Thai, went to a local spot where you can see the whole bay area, and then they went home.

I don't think I quiiiite manage to hide the couple tears that slipped out. I didn't want to make them feel worse and drop harder. Felt like I was being way too fragile, but there you go. Spent two days building up to this and then bam.

But they told me that Master and I hadn't done anything wrong. They liked Master a lot (he was worried he'd screwed things up somehow, but he hadn't,) and they are really looking forward to the tea ceremony tomorrow, so there is that. 

I have to get myself together for that and not let the sadness creep into the tea. I also have to work a big job tomorrow, and I really ran myself into the ground the past two days, so I need to find the will somewhere to override the pain in my back and joints and get it done. 

I decided that I was going to cook that feast anyway. Master, my best friend, and I enjoyed some Chinese style roast duck, dry-cooked green beans with fermented chili paste, eggplant with black bean sauce, and marinated king oyster and portobello mushrooms in a ginger-garlic-soy sauce. 

Did make me feel a bit better. 

My bedroom is all torn up because I wanna make it play-ready. My bed isn't made yet and I don't know when they will be here. I'm in a bit of a panic and I'm forcing myself to sit down and relax for a moment. But all y'all, I AM feeling FIERCE today! Will let my hair down once I'm done cleaning. Wearing the tall boots for them, and my formal collar for Master. He is still asleep and doesn't know I've put it on- it hurts my neck to wear long-term, but I want him to see that I know I'm his first and foremost. It shouldn't hurt to wear for a day, and we'll take it off this evening before I get to playing, most likely. 

I have two roast ducks waiting to be cooked, and a bunch of veggies to prepare and cook in duck fat. I am going to put my dragon blanket on my bed, make sure the lube is easy to access, and that toys are organized and easy to find.

I have no idea what will happen. Negotiation, of course. We might not even play, as one of them isn't feeling well... but if we do, well! Last time was awesome. The absolute BEST would be if they are attracted to Master, and he is attracted to them, and all 4 of us play without anything going too too wrong. Master is amazing and hot and DAMN can he fuck like nobody else. These two are sizzling hot too, and today I am amazed and bewildered that so many people seem to really be attracted to me, but you know what?

I don't know how long I have to live, and I'm going to fucking roll with it and enjoy the hell out of what I have left, however long that may be. 

As my tea Sensei says, my particular faith, Asatru (NOT the racist kind) can be summed up thusly:

"We're all gonna die. Let's party!"