Sarah’s world

Good morning she said, still tied up but happy.  Finally relieved of her worries and PRESENT.  Whatever it took to get there, to that place is what she would do from now on.  Stepping out of the daily grind into an alternate world, like how she did in breathwork before but which she isn’t allowing herself to do these days.  Since triggering self hate she won’t allow herself anything.  But if someone else is in control, well.. then it’s not her choice.  And that is what she wants.  So..  tied up, naked and warm for the moment she waits to see what he wants to do with her.   She is ready to scrub floors or whichever sexual thing, she just wants her mind to be blank and filled only with what he tells her.  Ah, the relief.  

Nothing better than a bruise. Or scratches etc. Marks. These are just from me and a bunny haha, but I still am enjoying them and they give me comfort yay

Good reminder to me:)

I set my intention to move closer to the earth. Currently in a 2nd floor apartment but every night wanting to sleep outside.  

“no use taking a step back from me” love it

Let myself be gotten

open for a demon to attach 

momentary to hour long the regression 

losing years decades suddenly 

rebel 

thank god for these songs these songs 

until I am well again until the tears will flow 

I am laying in the dark the quiet is stunning
Not tethered to the dock I am drifting 
I can smell the moist pungent sweetness of the huge exotic flowers (Domes).

Which words want to be written down and what purpose does it serve?
You are TIRED child and you have a high level of pain 
You connected but then Guilt followed
You could return the guilt like an Amazon package..

Thoughtless he was and cruel and cold
So she wandered in the garden collecting worms in her pockets (true).

I DON’T KNOW if I’m doing well or poorly as I release tension (face) and accept what is left.

Remember the mall remember the massages when you have money you really must go!

For now float along on the water randomly directionless in the (soft) dark as the waves lap gently against you

I am here babygirl I am here 

Sent from my iPhone

I am going to let go of language

I am going to live in a world with just feeling

Now I feel the porridge in my belly

Put your nose in it, he said, to learn, and you WILL learn

Never again a glass of wine, only jumping in and sinking down to the ocean floor (my visual for being deep in my heart)

The fishes are beautiful, you can pet them she said, and sometimes they swim straight through you but if you don’t fight it’s nice 

I will never, never.. and then it happened, half terrible and half pleasure in the hideout built of tires 

If I don’t choose me then who will? I pick Sarah

Helped touched and inspired by this music today, Istvan Sky is such a profound and gifted healer.  Grateful when the right music can drop me down instantly whereas I had had resistance.  Gets me moving physically, emotionally and I can feel JOY as I am meant to. I let my little girl out!  Thankyou Istvan!!!!!! This is going on repeat.  Incredibly settling and deepening.  Especially when it builds to the 11:05-ish mark, it’s like - yes!!!!!!!!   Joy!!!!  I had had a few days of being in a severely self hating state(I realize it’s a part and will maybe pursue further parts work) and it finally lifted yesterday after an expression (God Thankyou for the isha system and the incredible facilitators).  The joy of it leaving, man, life opens up and feels so good again, I am grateful.  My daddy was amazing through this process, I’ve never had a man be so willing to go in there with me. I am grateful to him, so glad for his direction, support and perfect balance of calling me out when neeeee while also appreciating and really learning me. Yay, life is good❤️❤️❤️

It was too late.  She had done the damage before she got well.  And so did I.  

I cried because the coaster worked well ha

under threat of death do we live, it’s a gift 

to stay open when I feel hurt?  When I was left alone to (burn alive) to suffer and suffer until I choose differently.  Then to feel the racking sobs mine alone and see the beauty.  I didn’t know - it’s so mysterious.  Unplug my head and let it float away I want to live in my heart I want to come into my body. Sometimes it takes me.  I don’t have to find it it comes.  It is okay.  What I am hurt by I have done.

I am that 

I loved fables as a child.  I liked this one in particular. I will ask my daddy if he will read to me:)

*in my writing below when I say I’m ready my lord, I’m thinking from Leonard cohens you want in darker (I posted this song below too).  To me this song has always felt erotic. So I’m ready my lord could be I’m ready master or whatever. But in this case a dark master..  anyway, I’m writing about the choice between a self destructive reaction or a healthy one when triggered.  

I’m ready my lord 

I tried

It wasn’t enough

I am not enough

The terror of no response 

Spinning out and finally 

Floating in space 

Just let go and float it’s whatever everything bad and ugly can just be there it’s fine like lying in your own filth but you don’t mind 

So I’m ready my lord just take me I will sell my soul for whatever price you give me

Like a junkie just take my pain away 

Or:

could I care where he didn’t?  Could I be curious?  Could I let go of the self bashing for a little while?  Could I find tears? I am so grateful to this piano music it is the only thing that is reaching me.  Going in my ear and pulling out my sadness 

There was a lot of pain on the underbelly of that high.  I choose something more constant and real.  The illusion was dangerous because I almost acted on it and I did risk losing it all.  The real thing was there the whole time, I only needed to learn and grow into it.  And I did:)

“I am so happy!” my daughter turned and shared today as she drove the four wheeler at the farm for the first time.  And I felt so happy too!  Out in the cold under blue sky and sun, later petting the various horses as I cleaned their stalls.  They’re starting to say “hi” to me I think, we seem to be checking each other out now that my energy is more settled around them.  I admire their color, their softness and how big they are.  Anything difficult in the day is tolerable because we were there this morning and we have that.