Sarah’s world

This is more porn to me than any porn lol. Women get it probably.

viscious kind; grocery store scene 

She was half a person. Half light half dark, line running vertical head to cunt to split the two. The one side kind of melted off of her like colored wax. The tension the pain crippled disfigured. The other side could almost rise into space she is so light and airy. They can’t exist one without the other but maybe they can be tempered. Imagining them blending a bit on that middle vertical line or maybe the light half hopefully burning away some dark cells to take over more than 50% of her body and soul.  The half person loves her shadow side but it is taking up too much space and she’s outgrown parts of it.  Certain things need to go, it is time.  Thankyou for being there though I know you were doing it for me. 

came across a pic that matches except female ha: 

Yeah baby, listening to Sucker for Pain.  Dude I just need harshness - like Khalid says something like “I find PEACE in your VIOLENCE “ such a great line. 

anyway.. who has Spotify?

Good to the last drop/end of song “got me beggin beggin beggin.. for more pain… 

Hey guys, if you’ve been here awhile years..  maybe go thru your own entries and create playlist w all songs you shared!!

I did this!!

it’s super fun!!!!  

Thankyou to my new friend puppy who has shown such interest in me that it made me take interest in me.  Super cringey to look back my entries!!!! I mean super cringey.  However- thank GOD I am SO MUCH MORE CLEAR now hahahaha.  

anyway, shared my new playlist w a couple friends including my new puppy dog lol (this is brand new, I’m dabbling, I have NEVER been a switch but as I get older I’m 46 I guess it’s just a new thing).  I appreciate his dear friendship, we are bettering ourselves through each other somewhat.  ❤️❤️

anyone’s welcome to my list but I bet you’d love your own much much more!!! Haha.  Sometimes, MANY times, we just need to hear ourselves listen to us, give us the care we missed in childhood.  

of course embrace people, some things require people but there is much you can do yourself too or in conjunction w correct support.  

I AM great!  I just heard this in me.  

It’s defensive, it’s in my mind - like as tho he doesn’t think so.  “I am too great!” And like feel sadness/triggered/a little crying. 

It’s interesting bc actually he totally loves me and does think I’m great/ well, a lot of me/ when I’m a total asshole then no.  He loves me then but doesn’t like me so much. 

I think this is what happens in my pattern (love immediately-attachment, then knock down from pedestal and become a total asshole, need to escape).  What happens: I no longer feel awesome, I no longer feel he thinks I’m awesome bc I’ve been an asshole.  Then I don’t want him. Bc I want to feel awesome. 

anyway- just beginning to try to understand the pattern psychology. My pattern is very harmful to the poor men, my children and myself.  

I think I’m on a path to being alone, not sadly but intentionally; I can still connect as I wish and love plenty but not monogamous.  My primary focus is my own consciousness. And then giving from there, to everyone 

currently tho I’m in relationship so I will see how plays out.  God help me.  Im beginning step 4 wrote out a ton damn yesterday on my mother.  Will be writing about my partner shud give more clues. 

what are your guys’ patterns? This stuff is so interesting.  

Ayyyyyy let’s go havin a dance party here..  hahahahah 

Flyin HIGH atm

who’s for Spotify? And if not why not haha love Spotify.

Good for you Selena Gomez 

wishing everyone a beautiful day!!!

Hahaha (it’s the last line of my video, not sexual but fun when there’s the double meaning)

I wud joint this guys cult if he had one!!! Hahahahah God damn!

Current fantasy: Jeans jeans preferably with a belt to think about, just rugged strong ish man you know sitting on ground against couch legs open for me to sit lay back be held tight nice nice watch movie maybe psychological thriller or something to feel a little scared tension building desire vibrating shaking can’t hide it then I hope he’ll put his strong hand on my throat want that really bad hahahaha

current vibe:

I am still vibrating from the song circle I attended couple nights back w Ahlay Blakely listening on repeat now to this song.  We sang this one and she talked about parts which I’m into parts work. Like the parts we haven’t yet called home you know? Integrated?  Find unacceptable?  I am definitely on a path.  Not sure where it’s leading but I’m on one now. Had been lost for a bit.