Sarah’s world

I feel deep appreciation for: 

1. Teal helping a woman that actually spoke directly to me- an incredible self rejecting pattern from childhood, sad, but super empowering to understand and know what to do.  And give empathy to me and why I am like this.  It’s understandable I would be given there was never a YES to me (feel)

2. my breakthrough in my isha mtg yesterday - not needing to spout my problems, I had released many tears naturally before the mtg and could then GIVE- this feels very exciting! I would like to do the 6mo and become a facilitator one day!

3. being a match to self loving music- feeling Shiva invocation (below) in my bones.  Allowing love IN

4. my time for a lovely bath before my zoom session w my daddy

5. myself helping my daughter find a life that feels good to her, as I wish was done for me, even tho it will be challenging for me to have very little alone time and I’m a bit nervous!

6. The Isha system and even Victoria who hurt me because she led me there and I probably wouldn’t have chosen it myself without someone just thrusting it upon me

7. MY DADDY-  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

8. reaching out to my ex husband yesterday just to say hey, I see I really caused you pain and I’m so sorry, when I could really feel and see that:(  Telling him he did not deserve it, and that he deserves everything good.  God please give him a good woman and connection with himself and his passion in whatever way is right for HIM

9. supporting my son in seeing the male therapist that HE likes (he is surrounded by women poor dear) and appreciating how he said it went great, that he scheduled it himself, and drove both ways omg I can’t believe my boy is driving me!  Very impressed by him!!!

10. standing up to his gf lol (she is a powerhouse!) so that he could get some alone time.  Being willing to be the fall guy for my kids

11. knowing what I like (the isha system, teal, and a certain bdsm dynamic) and making friends there, realizing I really do fit there

12. exploring here, learning as I go

13. having love to give, feeling my energy come out from my heart into the world once I have allowed it in for myself 

14. being safe to open, isha facilitators giving me that super safe space, how my feelings were not too big for them, the realization that I’m actually normal and there is nothing wrong with me 

15. What my physical issues are showing and teaching me, the understanding that the pain is there for a reason and it’s is not against me, its actually trying to protect me.  Because look what I do when I feel well- I take risks!!!

16. my KIDS- I understand my daughter better but I’m so grateful for my son and what he is teaching me.  So cool to see the male perspective from my view as a mother.  Makes me try harder.  Makes me understand.  My mom didn’t teach me

17. BLANK (mom lol- not ready yet, but I can tell things are flowing in this direction 

How is it that I am well?  How did I make a jump when I didn’t know I was about to? Life is wonderfully mysterious!  I greatly appreciate Francesco who led the isha meeting, who pushed me in practicing facets and being present giving to others.  I have something to give!  In this group it is wanted!  I feel joy.  I frequently believe I’m alone and yet Karolina is my friend, and we with Janze have our writing group..  ah how good it feels to focus on the good things.  There are so many!  Since my divorce I’ve learned to mow the lawn, ride a four wheeler, build furniture- I’ve come far!  AND, per my Daddy’s direction I went out and bought ROPE today, I chose rough kind.  I spoke too loudly perhaps ha in response to “can I help you find something?” Two older men, and me “rope!!” Haha.  In and out phew!  A friend lover had shown me how to tie my ankles together years ago and I used to sleep like that alone.  I am interested to see if I still like it and if I like this rough feel rope. I like the color, the normalcy of it (just plain tan?) I don’t like fancy colors or satiny textures I like REAL stuff. But I’m waiting to hear back from my daddy because I wasn’t so good last night and I’m anxious to reconnect🙏

I lay on my bed and cry and cry and cry and cry, the tears running down my cheeks onto the comforter.  I am resistant to loving me- please let me choose it.  It hurts to let it in because I KNOW I am bad.  Sneak it in as a poison gas that I can’t help but breathe in once I can no longer hold my breath.  I have always played with my breath, in the pool, on my driveway in my fantasies, on the streets walking, with others.  Oh god I don’t deserve what I have.  It isn’t a helpful attitude, it doesn’t serve, but I cling onto it because I’m addicted to suffering.  I could choose differently.  I just want to be held by my daddy and cry.  I want to stay open to him.  Last night I closed and now I’m paying the price.  Yes to that.  Yes to not sleeping.  Yes to my beautiful room and getting things done today.  Yes to judgments against me. Yes to these tears.  Yes to floating in space until he comes to pull me down to earth.  Come into my heart all, I have no need to defend.  Thankyou for feeling 

She wasn’t supposed to shoo the dog away if it tried to sniff her crotch.  Not even to move away but just to stand there and let it happen.  She felt humiliated by this, as though she smelled.  But he thought it was funny and liked to watch her mortification.  One such time he came and pet the dog “good boy” and then went behind her and held her wrists together by her butt.  Did the dance of how good it felt for her to be restrained like that, he let her slip them up and grasp her own forearms near the elbows.  Keeping there he reached on her front up her shirt and onto her breasts she started undulating her hips aching from the humiliation. He kissed her neck brushing her hair to one side.  Stopped to give the dog food so it would leave them be and picked her up to sit on the kitchen counter her arms came to her sides.  He pushed her shirt up she didn’t wear a bra and licked her nipple and bit lightly.  She closed her eyes and opened her mouth.  Standing up he looked at her, she kept her shirt up holding it for him and pushing her breasts out a little, writhing slightly on the countertop parting her legs slightly. He saw and pushed them apart much more reaching under her skirt straight inside her she gasped. “Wet” he accused. She touched him his chest his shoulders she needed him closer needed to smell him feel him but he slapped her face hard “did I say you could touch me?!” I’m sorry! she said and despite the pain from the blow blurted “can I please touch you can you please hold me?”  No he said and took her down placed her on her belly over the kitchen table.  She had her hands to the side and up and left them there. Listened to him remove his belt and snap it, lift her skirt and pull her panties down to her ankles.  Ahhh! she cried as the first blow struck. Then another and another and she almost passed out but she took it and it was strange it began to feel good and she imagined the purple and green marks she would get which would allow her to keep him with her for days, a week or two if she were lucky.  Finally he stopped, panting a little and she felt him press his hard cock against her ass and cunt.  She didn’t know which hole he would use when bam he shoved it into her dripping pussy but after a few thrusts removed it and brutally raped her ass.  She felt she would rip open and bleed but she needed to please him.  When he came she felt like she liked it A LOT pushing back into him and welcoming him fully taking him all.  He then made her stay backwards to him but climb on all fours on the table.  She heard the vibrator go on and he put it straight on her clit kind of hard and she came within seconds.  She collapsed on the table and he covered her with a blanket.  She was told to fall asleep while he got their movie ready.  She touched the table and reviewed things in her head and dozed.. 

She wasn’t any good at it but she whispered to the gods to help her.  She had to please him or there would be hell to pay.  Down on her knees, scrubbing the floor earlier, she had thought of something which could help her.  It was a trinket from when they played jacks. She thought if she squeezed it hard in the palm of her hand whilst she serviced him then it might help her to focus on the job at hand. She wanted to be good at it.  When the time came she noticed that he had placed a bucket of water beside him.  It was also to help her he said.  Don’t be afraid to choke on my cock because it is worse to be held underwater.  Her eyes widened and she imagined that his scare tactic would work better than her focus charm.  In fact she did do better this time and as a reward for her progress she was allowed to sleep in the bed with him that night..

To give to myself wasn’t a thing I had known. To surround myself in beauty, color, geometric shapes and comfort?  No. To choose my own preference?  And it be allowed to go through?! When I’d been taught I’m almost always wrong unless she told me I was right?  This is redemption.  This, glory.  So simple, so regressed, so wonderful. I am ready now to welcome my rainbow brite doll.  And I only want to add MORE color and MORE shapes until there is no white space left at all (she loved white walls above all).  I feel silly but the good feeling is undeniable.  My room.  It took five months to believe I was worth it but it did come to fruition just as I had hoped, even better!  And now I have my creative healing space - I’ve come a long way from nights on the short brown couch!  I hope to camp soon but this time it will be from desire and not necessity.  

This song touches me, played in Afterlife season 3 first episode, such a great show, love Ricky gervais:) The tenderness 

My joy abounds.  I am happy.  He wants me to be HAPPY (feel).  I have gone away, I have floundered.  I come back to my open cage where my Daddy holds me and I feel at peace.  Still I can fly, still explore, knowing He is there He is there.  I didn’t imagine it.  It was challenged and I failed but I have learned as well.  I can’t leave, I don’t want to. The wanting, the patheticness- it can go now.  I already had it!  I just forgot, Daddy says I forget a lot and must be reminded.  Ohh how I love to be REMINDED.  I think I still need him, although things have gotten much easier.  I don’t have to worry about sex anymore (feel) or my salvation through it - if he is sexual with me then I must NEVER say no and if he isn’t then I must focus and do what is in front of me to do.  And not throw a fit or become manipulative.  I am comforted, I am well, listening to thunder rain sounds and knowing He will again contact me if I am good.  I have grown in my understanding of submission, I know what I have to do.  And what I must refrain from.  I am a very lucky girl. I was treated incredibly well given what I have done and I will now show my allegiance to Him. 

A dissociated self, an imaginary friend, who is able to morph from the mother I am and would want to the older male figure I craved and bet my salvation on, to a dear friend to a lesbian lover. 
But the lover I dream of, he is over me as I lay on my back, pinning my arms above my head and hopefully will come down to kiss me I need to put my tongue in his mouth, and I will fall open to Him.  Arching up moving He will have me completely I long to give myself to him. It doesn’t matter his preferences I will take it take Him accommodate him and please him if I can. Whether he inflicts pleasure or pain I will be grateful so grateful to him.  For letting me open to him for filling me and invading me for giving expression to and releasing that pain inside.  I will only breathe if he says so I will be very very good.  Please please please please 

I have red flannel sheets coming which remind me of Lauren- small dark smiling and vibrant. I made a move to go down on her once while spooning her on her bed and watching tv.  She gave me a shy look and stopped me but said she’d always been more attracted to women than to men although men “seem to want to fuck me.”  Lauren’s apartment exuded color and WARMTH, I really liked being there, and her bed was made with soft flannel sheets and a velour blanket.  She later gave me a lilac colored velour blanket “since you loved mine so much.”  I should’ve taken her hand in yoga class, I wanted to very much but I wasn’t sure (did she like me? Like that?) Later we talked about it, when we were dating briefly, and she said she would’ve died/loved it. There were comfort items everywhere at her place and these were new to me because my mom disapproved of them, my mom preferred only white colored walls and basically uncomfortable things.  I would like to sit at Lauren’s rustic wooden dining room table and again eat matzo ball soup with her that we made together.