Sarah’s world

I’m zonked.. gettin ready to nap.. but I want to cum.. I just want a man to open my bedroom door that I don’t even know and take his jeans off and rape me. I wouldn’t fight I wud just b so grateful to feel.  I haven’t had intercourse for years. I want to feel his weight I want him to pin my hands. I do want to pretend to struggle and know that I’m literally overpowered. I need to feel it all. I want to be spanked. I want to be told how bad I am.  I want to have to confess everything and to believe he can read my mind. 

Tonight I imagine a man sitting on my bed and I hold his hand or grip his arm or jeans/leg so that I wake up if he leaves. 

went to a mtg last night w a new friend and the lead was by an older man on loneliness.  It was beautiful so raw you cud tell he had long term sobriety. Then the following shares were so honest too. The human condition, loneliness and then the opposite of the relief and joy of connection. It’s really funny how we think we’re so different but we’re all the same. When it came to my turn I did share but honestly I could’ve just said “same” or yup me too. 

I don’t like the nighttime: I fight sleep like hell ha. I feel ungrounded need a man’s weight.  God please help me to remember you, your will not mine be done. 

I guess I cud embrace the spacy feeling like drifting to sleep while floating in space.. I prefer to be grounded for sleep, I’d like to be on the earth smelling the dirt something to touch; rooting in for the night like a bunny. 

God I offer myself to you. Please help me sleep. I pray for willingness to do what I’m supposed to.  

As I lay here on my yoga mat in child’s pose after breath holding I imagine a man petting me like a dog maybe, stroking my back.. soooo soothing 

The desperately thirsty will drink poisoned water. Saltwater, knowing it won’t quench their thirst. That is what it’s like when I’m shut down to my partner and want to start with someone new. The pattern would just repeat. But it feels desperate. To have vanilla, physical touch actually.  Maybe not to know which man is behind me just someone I’m interested in but barely know comes into my room as I’m laying on my side facing away.  He spoons me and it feels SO GOOD and I am SO GRATEFUL.  He ties a blindfold on me skillfully tight.  It does not fall off.  Most likely I eventually wriggle maybe move my arms behind me hoping he’ll tie them with rope. We proceed from there and it is a stunningly beautiful reprieve and dreamscape. Violent and pleasurable at turns. 

Instead I’m left trying to open my heart, will I be able to let my person in again?  Leaving the door to my heart open and everything everyone washes through ocean water debris and all.  My mother but she doesn’t get to speak.  In my heart I am not taken over unless I want to be. I don’t lose myself. My (Daddy) has seen my worst now so it’s hard to feel cool. But he won’t let me go and it turns out I don’t want to go, it’s too shattering to my stability. 

God please help me 

Good morning she said, still tied up but happy.  Finally relieved of her worries and PRESENT.  Whatever it took to get there, to that place is what she would do from now on.  Stepping out of the daily grind into an alternate world, like how she did in breathwork before but which she isn’t allowing herself to do these days.  Since triggering self hate she won’t allow herself anything.  But if someone else is in control, well.. then it’s not her choice.  And that is what she wants.  So..  tied up, naked and warm for the moment she waits to see what he wants to do with her.   She is ready to scrub floors or whichever sexual thing, she just wants her mind to be blank and filled only with what he tells her.  Ah, the relief.  

Good reminder to me:)

I set my intention to move closer to the earth. Currently in a 2nd floor apartment but every night wanting to sleep outside.  

“no use taking a step back from me” love it

Let myself be gotten

open for a demon to attach 

momentary to hour long the regression 

losing years decades suddenly 

rebel 

thank god for these songs these songs 

until I am well again until the tears will flow 

I am laying in the dark the quiet is stunning
Not tethered to the dock I am drifting 
I can smell the moist pungent sweetness of the huge exotic flowers (Domes).

Which words want to be written down and what purpose does it serve?
You are TIRED child and you have a high level of pain 
You connected but then Guilt followed
You could return the guilt like an Amazon package..

Thoughtless he was and cruel and cold
So she wandered in the garden collecting worms in her pockets (true).

I DON’T KNOW if I’m doing well or poorly as I release tension (face) and accept what is left.

Remember the mall remember the massages when you have money you really must go!

For now float along on the water randomly directionless in the (soft) dark as the waves lap gently against you

I am here babygirl I am here 

Sent from my iPhone

I am going to let go of language

I am going to live in a world with just feeling

Now I feel the porridge in my belly

Put your nose in it, he said, to learn, and you WILL learn

Never again a glass of wine, only jumping in and sinking down to the ocean floor (my visual for being deep in my heart)

The fishes are beautiful, you can pet them she said, and sometimes they swim straight through you but if you don’t fight it’s nice 

I will never, never.. and then it happened, half terrible and half pleasure in the hideout built of tires 

If I don’t choose me then who will? I pick Sarah