The desperately thirsty will drink poisoned water. Saltwater, knowing it won’t quench their thirst. That is what it’s like when I’m shut down to my partner and want to start with someone new. The pattern would just repeat. But it feels desperate. To have vanilla, physical touch actually. Maybe not to know which man is behind me just someone I’m interested in but barely know comes into my room as I’m laying on my side facing away. He spoons me and it feels SO GOOD and I am SO GRATEFUL. He ties a blindfold on me skillfully tight. It does not fall off. Most likely I eventually wriggle maybe move my arms behind me hoping he’ll tie them with rope. We proceed from there and it is a stunningly beautiful reprieve and dreamscape. Violent and pleasurable at turns.
Instead I’m left trying to open my heart, will I be able to let my person in again? Leaving the door to my heart open and everything everyone washes through ocean water debris and all. My mother but she doesn’t get to speak. In my heart I am not taken over unless I want to be. I don’t lose myself. My (Daddy) has seen my worst now so it’s hard to feel cool. But he won’t let me go and it turns out I don’t want to go, it’s too shattering to my stability.
God please help me