Thinking About Kink

Note: This isn't kink related. I wrote this a year ago after a breakup and now I'm up for sharing it.

I recently got out of a serious relationship. I was certain it was going to lead to kids and marriage. Now it's over. It ended the way Hemingway said one goes bankrupt, "gradually, then suddenly." When the official end came I wasn't exactly surprised. We had both been frustrated and unhappy for a while and I think we were both wondering if the relationship could survive. Still, I was shocked on some level when the end finally came.

It was more or less mutual (I had been willing to give it one more shot but understood her desire to end it and agreed it was likely for the best). Still, I was distraught for a time after. There was some level of relief to have closure and to be able to move on but I was still deeply sad about it. I've been wondering why for a while.

I think a large part of it was the realization that a future I had been looking forward to was gone forever. I can look back fondly at the good times, even though they're gone now. I can be happy that we both are moving on and happier in the present. But letting go of the future I thought we'd have is much more difficult.

When you begin a serious relationship with someone, you begin to build a whole future in your mind. The things you'll do, the love you'll share. A home, kids, vacations, whatever you want in life. That imagined future becomes a part of the relationship. When it ends, you're not just losing that person (they may even remain in your life) but that future you thought you'd share.

In some ways, I think it's similar to experiencing the death of a loved one. Years ago, when my father died, I spent a lot of time thinking about the experiences we wouldn't share. The events he wouldn't be there for. Obviously, the end of a relationship doesn't compare to losing a loved one. Still, the feelings are similar.
You don't just mourn for the person you've lost, you mourn for the future that will never be.

I periodically see comments here and on other kink-sites that indicate some people harbor antipathy for brats and that brats get a lot of hate. I have no idea just how common this is but I get the sense, anecdotally, that it’s not exactly uncommon. Brats face charges of “not being true subs” and being too much work. These accusations are, of course, not true but I wanted to think about where these ideas come from. In part, I think it’s a matter of misunderstanding and ambiguous use of language.

I should lead by acknowledging my biases. I’m a fan of brats. I don’t necessarily need that element in a dynamic but I do enjoy it and appreciate brats and brattiness. I should also acknowledge that sometimes the problem is that one or both people in a dynamic are toxic in some way. Some toxic dom/dommes will use “bratty” in the same way they use “topping from the bottom.” As an accusation to discourage a sub from setting limits or expressing desires. Likewise, some toxic subs will use “bratty” to excuse the pushing of buttons that they know they shouldn’t push (subs can cross lines and violate limits too). Incidents arising from these sorts of dynamics can get dragged into, and complicate, the discussion of brats. Putting aside this sort of behavior however, I think the problem is often one of misunderstanding.

Like so many issues in relationships, problems often come from miscommunication or a misunderstanding of what both parties want and expect. I think the problem is that some dom/dommes begin seeing a brat expecting that they will eventually overcome their bratty nature. The belief is that they will transform the brat into an obedient submissive. It doesn’t help that the standard term we use as the counterpart to brat is “brat tamer.” The term implies that the brat will be tamed. I suspect most brats don’t see things that way.

I can’t say that no sub wants something like that; to resist at first but be overcome and permanently transformed into a non-brat. I don’t think that’s the norm, though. Most brats have no intention of ever not being brats. It’s a core part of their submissive identity and why they adopt the title. When they say they want to be tamed, they mean temporarily. There is no permanent taming of a brat. What you see in the beginning is what you’ll get further down the road. Seeing a brat is taking on the task of continually facing and overcoming resistance. For some of us, that’s the fun. For some, it’s not what they thought they were signing up for.

I think this is where a lot of these accusations come from. Some dom/dommes, misunderstanding what a brat is and wants, go in believing they will eventually get a traditional sub. When they don’t, they conclude the brat isn’t a true sub or is making them work too hard. If they were a true sub, why would they continue to resist? Misunderstanding the situation, they shift the blame to the other person.

So, what’s the solution? Like most relationship issues, clearer communication and analysis of one’s own wants and needs is vital. Dom/Dommes that think they want a brat should ask themselves if that’s what they really want. Brats should be sure to ask potential partners this question and make sure they understand that the brattiness will not be going away in the future. Finally, it may help to change our terminology a bit. Again, “brat tamer” isn’t quite accurate and can give a false impression. As an alternative, I would propose “brat wrangler.” You can wrangle a brat. You never truly tame one.

What would members of each house be like as D-types and S-types? Just some thoughts I had while distracting myself from work.

Gryffindor

D - Primal. Loves the challenge and the chase.

S - Brats. Too much of an anti-authority streak to submit without a fight. Loves to push buttons and challenge their Dom/Domme.

Hufflepuff

D - Mommy/Daddy. Loves to protect their sub and make them feel safe and valued.

S - Service sub. Just wants to be of service and help their Dom/Domme. Great work ethic.

Ravenclaw

D - Heavy on rules and tasks. Organizers who thrive on creating and maintaining structure.

S - Bimbos and pets. Have to imagine Ravenclaws would love a chance to turn their brains off and nothing would be dirtier for them than pretending to be mindless. Alternatively, go the other way and continue the trend of being overachievers. Embrace tasking and rules.

Slytherin

D - Sadist. Was there any doubt?

S - Big into humiliation and degradation. When a Slytherin finds a leader they want to follow they enjoy debasing themselves to please them.

Would love to from other Harry Potter fans. Is this accurate for you?

Topping from the bottom is not:

Establishing limits
Setting boundaries
Expressing preferences
Being a brat

Topping from the bottom is:
Telling someone how they have to top from within the established limits of the dynamic
Often, a bullshit accusation used by bad tops to discourage bottoms from establishing boundaries or setting limits.

It's Friday afternoon and you just got home from work. As you're settling in, you receive a text.

"I'm taking you out for dinner tonight. Wear that dress I like and your plug. Be ready by seven."

You feel a flutter in your stomach. A mix of excitement about what tonight will bring and a need to rush to be ready in time. You slip out of your work clothes and jump in the shower. Resisting the urge to play with yourself, you bathe quickly and begin to get ready. You slip in your plug first. A mix of pain and pleasure that reminds you of who you are and what our relationship means to you. You allow yourself a moment to look over your shoulder in the mirror and admire it before getting dressed.

You're dressed in time and present yourself by the front door with a few minutes to spare. You stand waiting, excitement building, waiting for me to arrive. As I walk in I'm happy to see you standing there, beautiful and eager. A kiss, some discussion of how our days were, and a brief inspection to ensure you followed my instructions (some praise when I see that you have) and we leave for the restaurant.

We go to dinner and have a nice, vanilla evening. We talk about work. The next show we'll binge together. Your plans to go out with friends tomorrow. There's something deeper happening under the surface, however. Beneath the pleasantly, romantically ordinary, a tension is building. The plug in your ass is a constant reminder of your position and what this night is likely to bring. Every time you shift in your seat, you feel it more acutely. Sometimes it's accompanied with a sigh or a slight blush. You think you see a slight smile cross my face every time it happens but you can't be sure.

By the time the check arrives you're thoroughly worked up, eager for what you know is coming next. You struggle to control those feelings, waiting for me to signal the shift. Waiting for me to lead you. I try not to let on, but I've been seeing the change in you all night. I've been aroused every time I saw you wiggle in your chair or cast a shifty look. It's been a struggle to suppress my feelings but I enjoy teasing you, keeping up the facade that everything is normal, knowing you're waiting and wondering.

We joke and laugh as we walk back to the car. I put my arm around you and pull you close. As we get within site of the car, my hand slides lower, to your hip, to your ass, guiding you forward. My fingers find the plug under your dress, apply a gentle pressure. Your knees get weak but you keep moving forward. By the time we reach the car, you know the aura of the night has finally changed.

I push you against the car, run my one hand up your body, the other still playing with your plug. When you let out a sigh, I push my mouth over yours, kissing you deeply. My hand moves up to your hair, running my fingers through it and the grasping tightly. A firm but gentle tug breaks our kiss and pulls your head back to look up at me. I look down at you, a mixture of sternness and lust in my eyes. "Are you going be a good girl for me tonight?" Your hair pulls as you nod slightly, whispering "yes." I smile down at you. "Then get in the car and pull your dress up." I open your door for you and guide you in. By the time I've climbed in myself, your dress is pulled up and you're looking at me expectantly.

You're eager to start playing. To be ordered to do something, anything. Or for me to do something to you. Instead, I make you wait. Just a little bit longer. I say nothing for several minutes as we drive. You sit with your hands in your lap, breathing fast. You can see me glance over at you occasionally and try to catch my eye. You know I'm teasing you now and you're excited and frustrated. Finally, I break the silence.

"Do you want to touch your pussy sweetheart?"
"Yesss. Please, may I touch my pussy."
"Yes you may"
Your hand move immediately between your legs, finding your clit. Just as you begin, however, I speak sternly, "what's your rule about coming?"
Your voice has a note of frustration, mingled with desire as you answer.
"I'm not allowed to cum without permission."
"Good girl. Keep playing for me."

By the time we get back home you're moaning and breathing heavy, fingers slick. You barely notice when the car parks. I order you to stop and pull your dress down. I pull you out of the car and practically drag you inside. You've been too preoccupied to notice but my lust has been growing the entire ride, watching you at every stop light, listening to your sighs and moans. I pull you inside and close the door behind us. You stand in the hallway, looking up at me, waiting for instructions. You don't know it, but I've planned something special for tonight. I smile wickedly as I look down at you. You don't know what's coming next, but you know what that look means.

He pulls onto their street and sees her car. He's happy to see she got home first and will be waiting for him. She greets him at the door, wearing her collar and the cute little dress he told to put on when she got home. His tension begins to drain away at the sight of her. She takes his coat, offers him a drink. He's home.

These moments are what he looks forward to all day. When he can leave the stress of work behind and be himself with her. When he can be served. When he can command and be obeyed. When he gets to possess the beautiful woman standing in front of him.

She serves dinner. They eat, talk about their days. It's a nice, normal couple evening. Except, he's told her to wear her collar tonight. Watching her eat, listening to her talk about her day, seeing her in her collar adds another dimension to the evening. They both know how the night is going to end and he controls when it happens. The feeling is exhilarating and he intends to enjoy stretching it out for as long as possible.

They are in the living room. He's reading. She's on her computer. He doesn't notice when she puts her computer down. He's dimly aware of her walking around the room. When she slips her dress off, he notices. Pretending not to, he focuses on his book. He doesn't intend to let her know she grabbed his attention so easily. He won't give her the satisfaction.

She begins walking around the room. She makes a production of bending over to pick something up. Little coughs and sighs escape her lips. His lust is building but he doesn't act yet. He gets to decide when she receives his attention. He gets to decide when something happens. He lets this game go on for another half hour. He sneaks occasional glances at her and is pleased to see frustration beginning to show on her face. He can't help smiling ever so slightly. Finally, he acts.

"Did I give you permission to take your dress off, little girl?" The most innocent voice responds. "No, Daddy." He sets his book down, stares at her intently. "Bring your ass over her right now." She hurries over wiggling that ass as she walks. She kneels in front of him. Naked but for a collar eyes looking up at him. She is beautiful. She is his.

He punishes her. He uses her for his pleasure. She eagerly submits to all of it. She serves all his needs and follows all his orders. When it's over, he is content. He is happy. He is home.

They lie in bed. He holds her close to him, stroking her hair. Holding her brings him a comfort he can't describe. He thinks back on the day. He knows she works hard just like him. Deals with the same struggles, the same frustrations. He knows she must come home tired just like him. Yet she chooses to serve him. She takes on this task to make his life better. He doesn't know why he was fortunate enough to find her. He is grateful beyond words that she is his.

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She was glad she got home first today. She likes to be able to get ready before he gets there. While she gets a thrill whenever he puts her collar on for her, she gets a special pleasure out of preparing herself for him. She likes being able to greet him already in her submissive state. Collar and all.

She undresses as slowly as time permits. She savors the feeling of shedding the responsibilities of the day. She takes off her job, her mundane chores, the minor inconveniences. As she dresses in the outfit he chose for her, she puts on the role of his submissive.

A small flutter in her stomach when she hears his car pull up. She hurries to the door. Greets him and helps him get settled. She looked forward to this all day. The way he looks at her. The way he embraces her. She feels safe. She feels cared for. She is home.

She serves dinner. She loves listening to him talk. She loves the way she listens. She loves the feel of the collar around her neck and what it means for the evening ahead. She doesn't know exactly what is going to happen or when. She doesn't have to know. They are his responsibility. She is free from those concerns. Although that doesn't mean she won't try to speed things along if she can.

They are in the living room. She enjoys the comfortable silence. She enjoys his presence as she reads emails, checks the news, and amuses herself online. Soon she grows restless. Not an anxious, negative restless. An excited, anticipatory restlessness. If he is going to make her wait, she is going to have some fun.

She stands and walks around the room, trying to catch is eye. She slips her dress off and lets it fall in the middle of the floor. She does all the little things that turn him on. She knows him well and she is proud of her expertise in this.

It feels like this game goes on for an eternity. She feels frustration but not anger. It's the frustration of one who is losing a game that they sorely want to win. She is still enjoying the game. She dares to steal another glance at him and sees the slightest hint of a smile. She suppresses a laugh. He thinks she hasn't seen. He thinks she doesn't know what he's up to. He can be very silly sometimes. Finally, he acts.

Feigned innocence when he confronts her. A sassy wiggle to her rear when she approaches him. When she kneels before him though... Then she is her truly submissive self. She takes her punishment (she does deserve it) and she joyfully lets go as he takes her. She does not make decisions. She does not think. She acts. She is blissful. She is home.

The lie in bed, his arms around her. She presses against him as closely as she can. She is safe here. She is cared for. She thinks about their day. She knows he works hard just like her. He bears the same responsibilities, faces the same obstacles. She knows he must come home weary just like her. Yet he chooses to take responsibility. He chooses to lead. He carries that burden to give her comfort and safety. She doesn't know why she was fortunate enough to find him. She is grateful beyond words that he is hers.

I’ve spoken to subs in the past who have expressed feeling bad when they use their safe-word or just aren’t up for being in sub-mode. One person told me she feels like “a bad sub” when she doesn’t want to or can’t do something her dom wants. It always bothers me when I hear things like this.

For reasons that should go without saying, no sub should ever feel bad for using their safe-word or feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings or reservations about their dynamic or what is being asked of them. It’s unhealthy and dangerous for the sub. Further, it’s not fair to the dom. I can’t be a good dom if my sub isn’t communicating with me or if I’m unsure of her limits or how she’s feeling.

I always emphasize to potential partners that I want them to feel comfortable being honest with me. I want to know their limits and they shouldn’t feel bad for having them. I expect them to safe-word whenever necessary and it does not make them a bad sub. However, I know some subs still struggle with this. So, I thought it may help to put these principles into writing and make them official rules. A sub can’t feel bad for using their safe-word or setting limits if there are rules that require it, right? With that in mind, I put together a set of hypothetical rules for a sub that emphasize the importance of respecting their limits and protecting their personal well-being. I think I would want to incorporate something like this into my next D/s relationship.

My hope is that a framework like this would make a sub more comfortable establishing limits and expressing concerns.
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Core Rules: These rules are not subject to change. They are [insert sub’s name] most serious rules. If any other rule or command conflicts with one of these rules it will be overridden by the core rule.

1. [Sub] will use her safe-word whenever she is uncomfortable or unable to
perform a task.

2. [Sub] will always be honest about and share her thoughts and feelings
about D/s and our relationship.

3. [Sub’s] wellbeing (physical, psychological, and emotional) is the top
priority and [sub] will immediately report if anything is threatening her
wellbeing.

4. Relationships with friends and family and [sub’s] social life will not be
compromised by D/s. [Sub] will report if any rule or command interferes
with these relationships so it can be changed.

5. [Sub’s] career/education is a top priority. [Sub] will report if any rule or
command interferes with her success in this areas.

I know I generally use this space to talk more academically about kink (and occasionally write erotica) but, for this post I just want to share something that's been on my mind and vent a little. Standard disclaimers apply: these are my thoughts based on my experiences. This is not meant to suggest that these experiences and feelings are the only correct ones or to imply that other experiences and feelings are less important. Just sharing my thoughts through my own personal lens.

I often have a weird concern as I date and try to find a partner that shares my love of D/s. Perhaps this is needless worrying (I do have a tendency to overthink things) but I find I can't help it. I often worry if I come off as "dominant enough" to potential partners.

There are a couple pieces to this. First of all, I know I don't come off as particularly kinky or dominant in my everyday life. I suspect friends and colleagues would be shocked to know the things I'm into. Personally, I like it this way. I've never been the "alpha-male" type and, outside the classroom, I don't try to project dominance or authority. I like the fact that my dominance is reserved for my significant other. I see a lot of memes about how submission is a gift that a sub only shares with her dom. I have similar feelings about my dominance. It is a role and responsibility I adopt within a special relationship, not something I constantly project to everyone around me.

Second, I absolutely want to avoid overstepping or being too forward with a potential partner (especially in the early stages of dating). While the ultimate goal is to find a partner that gives power to me; until that if officially established, I want to treat any potential dates the way I would treat anyone else, as an equal in every sense. As such, I'm reluctant to take charge too much when it comes to planning a date or steering a conversation.

Further contributing to my reluctance to be too forward is the nature of online dating itself and dating within the kink community in particular. Online dating can be an intimidating thing and you encounter a lot of scumbags. Within the world of kink, I'm aware of the horror stories that you hear far too often about people (mostly men is the sense I get) claiming to be doms and using that as an excuse to be pushy, rude, sexist, threatening, etc. More than anything, I don't want anyone to think I'm one of those guys. Thus, I avoid being being too forward or coming on too strong.

Now, none of these things would be an issue with online dating in general. I'm happy to take a relaxed, laid-back approach. I want my potential partner and myself to take time to get to know each other and find out if we're compatible in non-kink ways. However, I also know my potential partner is looking for a dom as well as a boyfriend just like I'm looking for a sub as well as a girlfriend. So, I find myself worrying that I don't come off as dominant enough in my interactions. I find myself worrying that the person I'm talking to will like me as a person but have reservations about my desire to be a dom.

I also wonder if submissives have comparable concerns (would love to hear from s-types about this). Do subs feel pressure to simultaneously signal submissiveness (or a desire to submit to the right person) while also asserting their independence and total equality until they have chosen to submit? Do subs worry that taking the lead in conversation or taking the initiative and asking the other person out will call their submissiveness into question?

I don't really have an answer to any of this. I'm still feeling my way through. As with most things, I think clear communication is the best way to overcome this obstacle but it's still a challenge that I'm figuring out.

---Alright, I can't resist slipping a little academia into this. Signaling capabilities and intentions seems to be a core part of human and animal interactions. Natural selection seems to regularly favor creatures that can successfully signal fitness or danger (whether real or not). A rattlesnake's rattle or poison tree frog's bright colors signal very real danger and deter attack. Other, completely harmless, animals display similar bright colors to signal danger where none actually exists. Sadly there doesn't appear to be a reliable signal for dominance or submission when it comes to dating. Any potential signal could easily be misinterpreted. Further, abusers and scumbags muddy the waters by trying to send the same dominance signals. Like carnivorous plants or anglerfish, they attempt to mask the danger they pose by sending false signals to lure in victims. As long as there are abusive individuals who mask their abuse with kink, it will be difficult to signal true dominance without risking being mistaken for one of the bad guys.

Perhaps a more apt analogy comes from International Relations. A great deal of research in the field deals with how countries can signal their intentions and capabilities for the purposes of deterring attack or promoting cooperation. Given the dangers of war and the fear all leaders have of being caught off guard, is it possible for rivals to mutually disarm and cooperate with one another even if both sides truly want to? Can each side overcome fear and mistrust and work towards peace? How can a leader signal to their counterpart that they truly want to cooperate? It would seem D/s daters face similar challenges. Given the challenges and risks inherent to dating, how can trust be built between two people who don't know one another's intentions to begin with? How can both parties reliably signal their true indentions and accurately interpret the signals of the other? Again, ongoing communication would seem to be the key. That or offering to withdraw a tank division from your date's borders but that's a logistical nightmare.

I started thinking about the concept of "dom drop" recently. For those not familiar, this is the flip-side of "sub drop." The feeling of sadness, emptiness, or discomfort that someone can feel after play. Both doms and subs can experience this feeling and there are several explanations for why it occurs (some overlapping, some specific to doms or subs in particular). As I've been thinking about this, it occurred to me that there could be a fairly simple factor which contributes to dom drop that usually isn't discussed.

As far as I can tell, explanations, for dom drop generally fall into one of two broad categories. One is simply the comedown from all the excitement. A flood of adrenaline burning off after everything is over. This can explain both dom and sub drop as well as the occasional sadness many people feel following sex (kinky or otherwise). This is not a new phenomenon. "Post coitum omne animalium triste" (after sex, all animals are sad) is an ancient phrase that describes this exact thing.
(As a side note, this phrase has also been used by some scholars of social movements to describe the feelings of bitterness that many former protesters and radicals feel later in life. Again, the idea is that, once the excitement of the moment is over, the participant is left feeling empty.)

The other series of explanations for dom drop revolve around feelings of guilt. The dom feels bad about the things they have done, despite the consensual nature of the proceedings. Feelings that only a bad person would do these things; only a bad person would enjoy doing these things. Societal conditioning telling them that these behavior are perverted, wrong, taboo. These feelings are likely deeply ingrained in many doms and can be hard to shake from one's subconscious.

I have not doubt that both of these factors contribute to dom drop. They likely contribute to varying degrees in different individuals but I'm sure they contribute. However, I think there is another factor that also plays a role in dom drop. This factor is pure mental exhaustion.

It occurred to me that I sometimes have feelings that remind me of dom drop after I teach a class. Now I love teaching but I've been doing it for long enough that I don't get a flood of adrenaline anymore when I'm in the classroom so it can't be caused by that sort of comedown. I'm not doing anything taboo in my classes that I would feel guilty about after. Alright, I do swear in front of them sometimes but they're all technically adults, I don't feel too bad about that. So, if I'm feeling something akin to dom drop but it can't be adrenaline or guilt, what causes it?

I've come to realize that it's simply that I'm tired. It can be exhausting keeping control of classroom for an hour or more. Keeping an eye on all the students, watching for signs of confusion, watching the clock, projecting confidence and authority. It can be mentally draining. I think this is what causes my occasional feelings of sadness after classes and I think something similar happens when I dom. Just like teaching, it takes a lot of energy to guide a scene, project authority, watch your sub for signs of pleasure, pain, discomfort, or distress and react accordingly. I love both teaching and domming. I do often feel like I need a nap after each though.

Again, I have no doubt that the more common explanations also play a significant role in dom drop. I just think this other, often overlooked, factor also plays a role. Sometimes, after a scene, I need to be reminded that I'm not a bad person for liking the things I like. Sometimes I just need my partner to say that she'll figure out what we're having for dinner and I don't have to plan anything for the next couple hours :)

A final note: This should really go without saying but by focusing on dom drop, I'm not trying to downplay the significance of sub drop. Sub drop should also be addressed and doms have a duty to help their subs through that. Both parties can and should participate in and benefit from aftercare. I'm simply speaking about dom drop because it's what I have direct experience with and feel I can speak to with some degree of confidence.

I think it's common for people to talk about kink as if it's a spectrum. You're more kinky or less kinky than any given person. I don't think this is quite accurate though. It's not always wrong to talk about kink in these terms. Some people are certainly more kinky than others and it can be an easy shorthand in casual conversations but it doesn't really capture the complexity of kink or the individuals whom enjoy it.

To say that kink is a spectrum is to say that any given desire, activity, or interest falls somewhere on that spectrum. It implies that anything can be classified as more or less kinky than anything else and that a person at a given point on the spectrum will enjoy everything behind them on that spectrum. This simply isn't true.

Kink is an a la carte endeavor. You don't select a spot on a spectrum. You pick and choose what you enjoy from a massive list. It's a beautiful thing and it produces interesting an unique individual preferences. There are people into serious masochism and degradation but who are uncomfortable with any sort of public displays of affection. There are people who enjoy being treated like pets but find the idea of being treated like a baby to be degrading (in a bad way). These individuals don't occupy a spot on a line. You can't say they are more or less kinky than someone else based on any individual desire or limit. They are unique.

I suspect the discussion of kink as a spectrum is rooted in the natural inclination of people to classify themselves as normal and anything outside their preferences as deviant in one way or another. George Carlin used to do a bit about how, when you're driving on the highway, anyone driving slower than you is "an asshole" and anyone driving faster than you is "a maniac!" We all have a tendency to think like this and it can affect our views of so many things. It's easy to say anyone who doesn't enjoy my kinks is "vanilla" and anyone who enjoys kinks I don't is "really kinky." It's an inclination that, in kink and so many areas of life, tends to inhibit empathy and understanding. It's an inclination that is worth fighting against.

I think the danger of describing kink as a spectrum is that it can confuse newcomers and place pressure on people to do things that they simply don't enjoy. I've known people whom enjoy some fairly kinky activities and have seemed to feel embarrassment or guilt that they didn't enjoy something generally considered less kinky. "I enjoy being spit on, I shouldn't have a problem being called degrading names." "I like being slapped in the face, why don't I like spankings?" Just as it's sad when a person feels shame for the kinks they enjoy, it's sad when a person feels shame for the kinks they don't.

Again, this isn't to say that the idea of a kink-spectrum is never useful or that you can never say one person is more or less kinky than another. It's fair to say that a person who enjoys bondage and corporal punishment is more kinky than someone whom prefers missionary-position sex with the lights off and no talking (not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's what a person is into). Still, for those of who are into kink, I would argue that it's generally not helpful to talk about it as a spectrum. It oversimplifies a complex set of interests, confuses newcomers, and puts undue pressure on individuals to like activities that they simply don't.