It is no one's fault. At least I hope it isn't mine. I hope I didn't do anything. I tried my best. I opened up, I connected, I felt feelings, and it was a whole thing. But there is still that voice in my head telling me it was me. Because why else would she not want to talk to me? But either way this pain is unbearable, and I just need to let this out.
So I met this girl. And she is amazing. I could go on and on about how gorgeous she is, how much her smile warms my cold heart. How much her voice just makes me feel better about life and everything. But that's not it. She's amazing and smart and a pleasure to talk too.
We've talked about and debated morality, religion, a little politics, and more. Every time she always had an interesting view, even if we disagreed. I at least understood and liked how she came to her conclusions and opinions.
We have very similar kinks and we connected over that as well. She told me that no one she'd talked to made her feel safe or made her feel like her comfort was important to her. That made me feel great, because that's what I strive to do.
Now, we talked every day from October 24th through to January 2nd. Not a long time but enough time for me to let her in. To be open. It is so hard for me to connect with people and with her everything was effortless. My brain had just gotten over the idea that it was going to end. I kept telling myself she was going to stop talking or ghost me like all the women I felt a connection too. I told myself it was fine, and that she wouldn't do that, and I had a real chance at a relationship. So many times she said, "If I didn't like you I wouldn't talk to you every day." She had even mentioned how she thought our dynamic could be something more.
Then she told me, "We need to talk." I knew what it was. You see she isn't in a good state right now. And she wants to work on her mental health and she needs to cut out distractions. Apparently I am one. The part that hurt the most was when she said she needed to cut out the things that are bad for her, and I asked, was that me? She said no. But when I said, "But I'm not a good thing either?" She said, "I don't know."
I think that hurt the most. Every day I spoke to her was a good day. Every day I spoke to her, she was a good thing in my life. But to just hear that she didn't know if I was a good thing for her. Now I'm very aware she's also in pain about this. Very aware this wasn't easy for her.
My heart is torn however. First and foremost I'm in so much pain. The idea of not talking to her again tears me up. But knowing she is in pain too and that her mental state isn't great, not only can I not help, she doesn't want my help? Makes it hurt so much more.
I wish I knew what to do with all of this pain. But instead I'm stuck being miserable. I keep asked if I'm okay. I'm not okay.
Do I need a hug? No, I just want to be left alone.
Do I want to talk about it? Why? So I can get some bullshit response about what I'm going through? Fuck off.
I'm not mad at her. It isn't her fault. I want her to take care of herself and be happy and take care of her mental health. I just wish I could have made her happy. Helped with her mental health issues. But sometimes you don't get a happy ending.
You just get pain.
