3 weeks ago. February 6, 2024 at 4:26 PM
We all talk about being transparent, being real, who we are, what we want, what kind of partner we crave, need.
We tell of our story, we tell of the shit storms that this life has brought us.
And as much as we need something different, real, and more in our lives.
We tend to fall back into OLD THINKING, BAD ATTITUDES.
We BACKTRACK, we throw out the worst, of the worst, of old lives, and past selves.
By doing so, we destroy any forward thinking. We destroy the progress, however small, or large, that may be.
We self inflict, what we feel we deserve.
We outwardly go back into a time of HELL, because this is all we know.
We destroy anything good, or real, in our lives. We destroy relationships of all forms, and we self loath.
Now sometimes, we catch ourselves, before things go to far.
Other times, we destroy any and all forward communication, work, and people that care, with our negative thoughts, feelings, actions, and words, that cut like knives to one's soul.
I have done just that, time and time again. Most times when I do this, the person or people, on the other side aren't what they claim to be, from get go.
Most times, those people are the monsters that made me feel as if I had no choice but to fight to begin with.
But when you find yourself repeating these actions and using words to cut, to destroy, and sever, any and all that is gained.
You lose track of whats good, and real.
You lose yourself in your own backward thinking, and actions.
You destroy the good in your life.
You push away good friends, and any and all, possibilities of a future that is better, more.
You destroy and inflict the same kind of behavior and lashing onto the people you love, respect, and care for.
I come here to thecage, to learn and grow.
Always changing to become better, to be my best self.
We all strive for this person, we know we are.
I am always talking of
Growth is HARD.
Breaking old debilitating habits is HARD.
It's to easy to fall back into old ways.
And by doing so, I have hurt someone who is near and dear to me.
I do not know the outcome for my actions, or what, if anything, can be done to salvage the mess I have made.
All I can do is learn from this.
Countinue to grow, change, and work on myself, as best I can.
I can not promise to get it right or that I will not ever mess up this badly again, or worse.
The only thing I can do is apologize, work on myself, and try like hell to not make the same mistakes again.
That's REAL, TRANSPARENCY.
It's all I have, and all I can do, and give.
I am, and always will be genuinely sorry for my actions.
I am not perfect, by any means, nor do I claim to be.
I'm only human, one who stives to be better.
I'm working as hard as I can. 😔