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Pieces of me...

1 day ago. September 29, 2022 at 7:17 PM

Is this a fucking joke er what?

 

People messing around and saying shit seriously that they don't mean or shit like a joke their dead deadass about....

SAY WHAT TF you mean and mean what you say.

"I wish you were here...". BULLSHIT

 

I would continue writing my thoughts but I am mad bro. 

Spiteful n shit.

 

💥ninja dust💥

1 day ago. September 29, 2022 at 7:07 PM

Some of my favorite quotes...

 

You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”

 

"It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill."

 

"I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia."

 

"Perfume was first created to mask the stench of foul and offensive odors... Spices and bold flavorings were created to mask the taste of putrid and rotting meat... What then was music created for? Was it to drown out the voices of others, or the voices within ourselves? I think I know."

 

"I am my heart’s undertaker. Daily I go and retrieve its tattered remains, place them delicately into its little coffin, and bury it in the depths of my memory, only to have to do it all again tomorrow."

 

"Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon 'em."

 

"I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on, and I'm not fighting it. If I have to go through this, I will glean from it any small benefit I can receive. I will not fight this. Bring it on. Bring on the cure. Bring on the fucking happy. I'm committed."

2 days ago. September 29, 2022 at 5:41 AM

I go into any situation with a positive attitude and outlook. That includes negotiations for a new dynamic...

When I say I am fuckable not loveable it is because time and time again it is proven to me by men who like the idea of me- the sexual kink side... but the rest of me is worked like modeling clay to create a new form.

I suppose I facilitate this. I make allowance after allowance for a doms happiness. Things I "think" I'd be able to do under the best circumstances. Things that would on any other day would be a limit. Ultimately my sacrifice goes unnoticed and taken for granted and the dom remains rigid and keeps "taking"... pushing for more and more.

I hear "for instance" stories and hypothetical situations about a dom retaliating, acting in recourse, when "a sub" does this or that... and although I keep hearing, "This isn't about what you just said, but say if this were to happen". However, it directly relates to a question I asked or boundary I mentioned. I am repeatedly negotiated out of limits.

Anything to fuck me every which way possible. To humiliate and degrade me. To use me up.

To seperate me and my pussy. Set me as a person. In that aspect I am not a prize. I an fuckable... not lovable. 

6 days ago. September 24, 2022 at 9:14 PM

So if you didn't know, emotions and I don't get along.

That being said, I find myself lost in my feels today.

There was an incident at work... while it wasn't my fault, facts have been skewed and now the people I depend on for my safety are not people I trust to provide it anymore. I have to deal with highly irritable and sometimes dangerous patients with the erie feeling that if something pops off, they are going to take their time responding. 

I was given some good advice as to how to approach this... but I was unable to carry it out because even those I thought to be friends with have turned their backs on me.

Funny thing is, they won't be upfront about their bullshit... continuing to act passive aggressively.

My point-

I feel alone. Unsafe. Out of control.

I cannot tell anyone at work out of fear this will get worse.

I haven't got a dom to cry on.

I just stay quiet and bottle it up, shut down.

Allowing my mind to wander to a place of resolve and comfort seems to just make me cry harder. I pride myself on my perspective... which I guess is what I'm desperately seeking.

 

During an intake we ask patients about their current mood...

Hopeless, I feel hopeless.

 

1 week ago. September 20, 2022 at 11:23 AM

I'm no longer offering trust and devotion. 

 

Being that I only know how to serve completely with everything I have... its off the table. 

I've been accused of rushing things and something i have never been... desperate.

Simply because I won't keep parts of me distant... that is something I never knew was punishable. 

My heart hurts and there are those around me with sneaking intentions and high school rhetoric and behaviors. 

I want no part in any of it. 

I was going to leave for a bit but then I think- why should I let someone steal my joy? I have friends here and writing is a passion I have. Why should I disappear because some people want to interpret my actions wrong and assume so many things?

I may be closing my msgs, I still haven't decided.

I loath passive aggressive people. Audacity and ignorance are a toxic combination. 

Just ask me... and if you assume then don't bother speaking to me at all.

 

Just going to focus on my writing.

1 week ago. September 20, 2022 at 2:18 AM

I try not to do anything in haste.

I do not like becoming emotional.

But, it is hard for me not to notice certain cues... whether that be a pattern or action

Its like witnessing a car accident. You see the car about of collide with another, the pit of your stomach knots up and endorphins flood your system creating an erie anxiety. Thoughts of terror and sadness circle your consciousness... but the one thing you cannot do is look away.

I get the erie feeling and anxiety when I realize what's about to go down. Immediately I want to hit the kill switch and coast to a stop but I doubt my judgment and stay the course, ignoring the signs. 

Then impact... fruition 

Instead of slowing to a stop im thrown into the windshield thru no fault but my own. 

In a daze, emotions happen... I hate being emotional. It is not until a bit later I can make a decision and act in reason. Reason - my tow truck, scooping up the mangled emotional mess and carrying it away. Attempting to leave no trace of a  collision, but there's always some broken glass or tire marks left on the ground.

 

When it all could have been avoided if I heeded the road sign....

1 week ago. September 19, 2022 at 5:35 PM

i started an outline for a book. a lifestlye book actually...

i find things a little turbulant right now and i do my best writing when outside of my peace. i have a collection of thoughts and things ive learned over the past 20 years... some i have blogged about previously, that ive been told helped other submissives. Writing that has inspired and entertained. 

I do not expect to live off my writing but if it reaches a submissive otherwise unreachable, and helps them... I consider that a win.

2 weeks ago. September 17, 2022 at 9:42 AM

I woke up in a frenzy. 

Dripping wet, moaning. I dreamed of your hands on my flesh. 

Your eyes feeding on my naked body and your rock hard cock inside me. 

Hearing you groaning with every deep thrust. A strong hand firm around my throat. 

You have taken residency in my mind, heart and soul. 

I feel you with me... as I try not to wake

2 weeks ago. September 12, 2022 at 12:21 PM

The IDEA of me is often seen shiny and bright... like a brand new penny in the eyes of a kid.

Such great value placed upon it. 

After years of wear and passing thru numerous hands, that penny becomes tarnished.

It becomes easier to discard for the next new penny shining in the sun. Leaving the old penny on the ground "heads down", warding off any passersby from scooping it up.

When I open up, exposing the faults and demons I carry... it tarnishes the gift of my submission. Suddenly my value decreases to a level that discarding me becomes easy. 

Have I fallen "heads up" sometimes...? Maybe once or twice allowing another to have the desire to pick me up. Only to decay and dull once again and end up back on the sidewalk. 

My submission suffers because it seems as if I serve my demons, I suppose. Although I know them by name, I no longer invite them to my bed. 

I'm open in all things. Communicate maybe too much, but I will hide nothing. I have been accused of being "too...." this, that, and the other. Which wreaks havoc on my submission as well. 

I have such a desire to serve... but being who I am destroys it's shine.

....anyways