Pieces of me...

I always heard that Insanity and intelligence are two sides of the same coin. I never really thought about it. Not personally anyway... I would relate it to historic figures such as Edgar Allan Poe and the unapologetic way he shared the darkness deep inside him, or Sun Tzu who had a level of awareness and empathy that allowed him to see the soul of a man by observation alone. I sit here and that damn colloquialism pops in my head and starts bouncing around my skull... for some reason, all of a sudden, I realized I've had that coin in my pocket for a long fucking time.

Do I struggle to find balance between insanity and intelligence? Asking for a friend... Do I though? Seriously.

Everyday I try my luck, grabbing the coin from my pocket, toss it in the air to watch it tumble and fall into my palm. Impatiently, I snatch it from flight, clenching it tight in my hand... in complete darkness.

Which side did it land on? Should I look, or fool myself once more and tuck it back into it's resting place? Ignorance is again bliss.

Toughts start turning over and over - provoking an internal struggle, feeding my demons until full of enough arrogance to promise me affection if I simply take their hand.

With each flip of the coin, the fulcrum becomes more fragile and unsteady as I attempt to preserve even the most trivial amount of balance in my psyche. 

If the coin reveals insanity, I accept that my mind is composed of twistied and distorted cognition.

If the coin displays intelligent, I resist believing I have the slightest aptitude for rationality or profound intellect. 

It would be pretty funny, if it wasnt like wearing a straight jacket in a fucking fist fight.

You should know—my mind is haunted. Not by ghosts, but by demons with familiar faces. They whisper promises, tear open old wounds, twist memories until I don’t know what’s real. They ambush me when I try to rest, fill the silence with noise, and torment me even in daylight. My painstaking efforts to secure every ounce of rationality within reach proves ineffective. I feel like I’m running barefoot through fire, too tired to scream, too stubborn to fall, convinced I deserve every bit of agony. Sometimes I question why I fight. Why not give in?

Then, as if you can feel my torment, you appear in my dreams, a wave of calm washes over me as you stand guard, holding me in your arms providing asylum, hallowed groud they cannot step foot near. An encounter I despise abandoning as the sun tears me away. I feel your presence before I smell your scent. You, with your steady eyes and predator’s grace. You walk into the shadows of my mind and the demons scatter—they tremble at the the sight of you. Not because you chase them, but because they know they have no power, not when you're near. You make no effort to banish them. You don’t attempt to fix me. You reassure me that it isnt necessary, that I'm not broken or the poison I believe can infect and ruin anyone I allow too close. You just stay. And that—that is everything.

With you, I feel safe in a way I never have or ever will with anyone else. The ease that comes from knowing someone would burn the world to ashes only to protect you. You are a beast with teeth bared at everything that’s ever hurt me. And yet with me, your hands are gentle, your voice low, your closeness the only thing that’s ever quieted the noise. Your bite is ecstasy, your low growl so close, only for me to hear, puts my body in a frenzy, I beg you to mark me as your own, a brutal and coveted privilege that is essential to my peace. You are my savage and sanctuary intertwined.

You are an anchor of tranquility when the chaos becomes too much, spilling out threatening to corrode the miniscule unspoiled piece of my soul left deep within. You stare down my demons, forcing them to look away. You've made space for the chaos inside me without trying to tame it, never flinching, a merciless heathen with an instinctual craving to devour my flesh and safeguard the fury that unifies my feral nature and fractured psyche.

I will always have demons. But you remind them just how vulnerable they are. 

I am haunted. But in your arms, I am at peace and can finally rest. I love you, more than you may ever realize. I will always love you, and never get the chance. That is suffering in itself but a price I am willing to pay for even a moment of rest.

Do you think the saying, "you can't miss what you've never had" rings true? 

I have told myself that incredible lie for so long... in an attempt to find solace while knowing just how insignificant I am. Never meaning enough for anyone to cherish or protect me from harm. The people who were supposed to care about me, didnt. Those I wanted more than anything to mean something to, found no value in what or who I am. I can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. Disease? Defect? Is this something I contracted, that can be cured? Was I born irrelevant, with no hope of overcoming this deficiency? I ask myself this more than I'd like to admit... over 25 years of contemplation, it feels like I'll never satisfy my profound longing to be claimed by an untamed savage who craves my flesh and beseeches the gods to show him favor... entrusting him to end my pain and mercifully seal this rotting cavity in my chest. To complete my soul, bring me back from the void, and deny my demons any further intamate familiarity. A remorseless heathen whose appetite is only satiated when I am safe and content in his charge... accepting my essence unto his own, to guard and protect. Each breath, each heart beat as one, indistinguishable by even the sharpest measure of discernment. 

This affliction has become unbearable. One that requires stoicism beyond what the gods have afforded me. 

Is this a test of my fidelity? 

Have I been forsaken? Forgotten? 

If my sentence isn't over, have I not known enough misery? Or, is it's purpose to break me permanently?

Having such a deep desire and lucid depiction of an experience I have yet to encounter is a manifestation of lunacy. 

This emptiness feels so genuine... how is that possible? 

Am I damned to this fate? ó-elba ó-áði    þrá    bǫlvaðr    kvøl

I'm so fucking lost.

Just as I was getting a firm grasp on my life, I thought I could peek in to see what I had worked so hard for... my fucking hands are empty. 

Hit after hit dazed but still on my feet.

Out of no where ... the knock out punch.

My glass jaw, I left it exposed.

His smell, the sound of His voice... the sound of His heartbeat as I laid my head on His chest. Our breathing becoming in sync. My heart rate finding His. His gaze finding my soul. His voice in my ear only for me to hear. The emptiness. The goddam hole left inside me. A bottomless pit, a void that most days I'm able to trick myself doesn't exist. 

Not today. Today it is more vast and so much deeper than before. 

...the edges raw.

The fucked up part is I would give anything to be able to lay my head on His chest right now while He wraps His arms around me. 

The only place where nothing mattered outside of that embrace. 

Where it was safe to rest, shielded from the world and the darkness inside me.

So fucking lost.

I'm finding it difficult to get up, get back in the fight... it would be so easy to let it creep back in, wash over me, consume me... again.

He's not here... they have no one to fear.

...no sentinel at the gate. 

Hands are getting heavy, harder to hold up.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder... is that the same for diatance?

I am very much a submissive that needs touch. I do not consider myself needy or high maintenance, but real life interaction is something I feel I require. I find myself in a position where I am forming a seemingly strong connection to someone who's touch is 5000 miles away... the likes of it is unknown to me yet, somehow I miss it. Normally this would be a cause of anxiety and stress. I have interacted with dominants who were half that distance, much more accessable and not been able to form a meaningful connection. This one though... he is different. I dont see the distance as an obstacle but more of an opportunity... 

This is not something I was looking for. I have not been actively looking for a dominant for a while now.

Do I know what I'm doing? No

Do I have any expectations? No

Am I making an effort? Yes

Is that effort being matched? Yes

Is there a degree of caution? Yes

Am I holding back due to that? No

I only know one way to be... that is authentic. Me at full strength is enough to send most people running in the other direction. I'm a lot. I know that. I refuse to water myself down to bring someone in close just to annihilate them with my potency. Luckily the dominant I speak of doesn't have a glass jaw. 

He has been respectful and observant of appropriate boundaries. While I have been accommodating, I have not felt pressured to do anything im not comfortable with. He does not consiser me declining a request as a show of disrespect or defiance. I am able to speak to him freely without fear of him getting angry at my language or decorum. (Although, i am respectful, because thats who i am) Which seems like common sense because I do not belong to him... however, many dominants speak to submissives as a lower class. As if they are entitled to liberties only those who own us may have. When I am not in a dynamic with someone... i do not afford them the ability to speak to me or request/require things in the manner that MY dominant may. The bind between a submissive and dominant is sacred to me. A foundational principle I was taught when being introduced to the lifestyle. Only MY dominant is given access to my submission mind, body and soul. I am enjoying the time we spend talking. It's been a daily occurrence and even with the time difference the time and effort is being made to reach out to me each day. I'm am hopeful without setting myself up for disappointment. If that makes sense. What is distance anyway?

As I laid in bed, everytime I reached for my water I remembered what my task was and how you described it.

I pictured you standing/laying behind me, your chest against my back... my head back nestled in your neck. Your arms around me like a fortress. Disappearing into the safety you afford me. I close my eyes and release the deepest of breaths. My heart is racing and my skin set ablaze having you so near. With my exhale I let go. All my anxiety. The days tension, my hyper vigilance melts away. I listen... imagining I can hear your heart beating, that my breathing mirrors yours. 

I feel very emotional. The ability to finally rest... lay down my masculine and dive into my feminine, where I've been longing to be. Feeling safe to do so is something I've desired for along time. The warmest sensation engulfs me. It's peace.

My mind is quiet here. I feel as if I could drift into refreshing sleep. Then I'm overwhelmed with tears... at Your sacrifice to do such an amazing thing for me. I feel secure and cared for which is something I have not had most of my life, even in childhood. I know when I'm in your arms nothing bad can happen to me. That I am valued as the person I am. I am understood and doted upon such that you look upon me in admiration, taking care to tuck my hair from my face behind my ear ever so gently so that I don't wake up. 

I hear you whisper "I have you, you are mine" in my ear. I melt. I know I am safe and exactly where I should be. 

It's organic and natural. To fall I to your arms. It seems I have found something I searched for so long... something up to this point I was convinced did not exist. I reserve parts of me knowing this will not last forever. A bridge of sorts. I allow hope but not dreaming. I do not think of the future. Only what is immediate. Take things as they come remembering not to fall into emotional mind, stay present in the wise mind. As of this morning, in your arms is where I want to be.

For a long time I have struggled with the old me lingering in the shadows. Refusing to let go as I fought to grow and change as a person. To become better... to become the person I have just recently realized I have become. Full of love, caring, understanding and compassion. Not only for myself but for others. 

In order for this to happen, I had to experience tragedy once more. I allowed myself to open up and care for someone who turned out to be unworthy of my love. Rather than withdraw and beat myself up, I accept this truth with grace and an understanding that I was not previously capable of. 

He is very much the person I used to be. Struggling with addiction and self loathing... unable to break free from his demons. Inviting them in just as I used to. Believing that his suffering is penance for the wrong he has done in his life. Letting it infect those closest to him. Those who love him the most. He's not well. Tripping in and out of psychosis as he drinks himself into oblivion. Throughout all this I thought I could save him. The only problem is that he doesn't know he is drowning. Perhaps the reason I can see it is because that was very much me a few years ago. Destroying all that I loved and everyone I held dear. 

I now know, the old me is dead and I have been reborn. I sit here packing his things with love and care... taking the time to wash and fold his clothing and wrap and protect his fragile belongings so that when... or if he decides he wants them, they are ready. 

He attacked me as a person, as a would-be wife and as a mother. In one breath he would praise me and in the next cut me to the core. Only being consistent in his inconsistencies. He lays our demise at my doorstep. This weight I can bare. I have broad shoulders. I move forward with grace and compassion for a man I showed love, but that wouldn't allow himself to be loved. Surely I will be the villan of his story. I move forward knowing the old me is dead on arrival.

Keywords:

Success, achievement, prosperity, change, transformation, day

The shape of Dagaz represents a stable balance between polar opposites, especially between light and dark. It is the rune of the light of day, midday and midsummer. All of those times are full of strength and well-being. Dagaz has great protective powers and is also a rune of health, prosperity and new openings. It will stop harm from entering but will still allow those helpful energies that we need to come into our lives. In the spiritual realm, Dagaz gives people access to cosmic consciousness.

Dagaz means day, and in the Nordic lands of long nights and winters, the day is strongly associated with light and life. Dagaz is the essence of natural daylight, the new light of dawn, and the strength of the sun. Spiritually, it is the divine light, the high point of the natural cycle of darkness-light-darkness. It signifies brightness, growth, progress, development, and sometimes fundamental change.

The divine light is guiding you towards your goal. True and good fortune will be with you. You are well protected by the power of the light. It will give you a clear vision to avoid dangers, but don't be blinded by your ego. Remain humble and thankful for all the good things that come to you.

Dagaz is the power of transformation, which causes life changes that lead to a new event and a difference in the person himself. Everything needed for the changes is already there, and the transition should take place now.

Dagaz is also a rune of opposites. This can be seen even in the outline of the rune, which looks like two connected triangles. But these are not opposing sides, but harmoniously existing.

Keywords:

Winning, willpower, vitality, purpose, inspiration, leadership, achieve the objective, confidence

Sowilo is a rune of force which channels the powers and energies of the sun. It represents the illumination that the sun can sometimes provide. Sowilo resists death and disintegration and allows light to conquer dark. With the illumination of the power of the sun, we also tend to see our goals more clearly.

Although Sowilo is well known as a victory symbol, it can also be used as a force of the attack. It is a positive force because it is the natural power of the sun. Spiritually, Sowilo symbolizes clear vision, and the victories of light over darkness, good over evil. It admonishes one to use the powers of good to vanquish evil

Sowilo is about energy and purposefulness. It tells us that now is the most favorable time to succeed in an important matter because you will have enough energy and determination. The interpretation of the rune almost always comes down to success, but as a rune of energy, it also means that significant efforts will be required to achieve the plan.

My rune of the day....

Keywords:

Relationships, a balance of giving and receiving, a gift, a magical exchange, honor, partnership, balance

It represents a gift, whether it is a present, an attribute, a certain skill or ability. To the ancients, a gift always called for another in return. So accepting a gift place you under an obligation to the giver - the gods, destiny, another person. Gebo can also mean a partnership or union, in business or in love. Or it can mean forgiveness — perhaps the greatest gift of all — to give or to receive. Gebo is commonly used as the sign of a kiss - the symbol of affection.

A gift presents you with the choice of acceptance or rejection. If you accept you must be prepared to give in return. Everything has its price, but with spiritual gifts, the cost is always worth it in the end. You must find the balance between giving and receiving and learn to give responsibly. This means deciding when to give and who to give to as it is not appropriate to give to everyone indiscriminately

Gebo is an equal partnership, understanding, and respect for each other. What is needed now is not a leader that will lead everyone but well-coordinated cooperation that will provide a positive and quick result.