Pieces of me...

It's been a bit...

I feel myself moving away from the lifestyle. Immersing myself in survival. The new apartment, school, work... There's a small pit in my stomach filled with missing you. 

The ghosts farther now, but still lingering. 

What I don't miss is the fighting and lack of understanding.  The struggle I had just trying to love and serve you. The suffering.

Can this be it? Is this my happy?  It's not so bad. Think I'll stay here for a while. 

Bitter sweet...

I've been having some issues in life.  I used to get super upset at injustices and unfairness. 

Getting upset never benefited me. It was embarrassing and made things worse. 

I've come to terms with how people can be. That I cannot impose my values or beliefs on them. 

I've become comfortably numb...

Numb to the shitty people at work.

Numb to my desires as a sub.

I can say any degree of trust is off the table. Im not interested in being in a dynamic or vanilla relationship. I can't feel the pain anymore,  I'm better off alone.

I'm completely OK with that. All the time and energy I put into others I am now keeping for myself. 

So I'm contemplating doing a thing.... joining APEX...

Orientation is next week. It's a bdsm dungeon. I'm kinda excited to meet others in my community.  But being a lone sub.... im not sure what there is for me. I'm thinking about volunteering too. I need to spread my wings in my local bdsm community. Feeling hopeful. 

I am at a loss. 

Having been dubbed self absorbed and blind moments after you took the liberty to express an understanding of my natural tendency to serve others. 

What I offered was a view from a different angle. While I can comprehend your point of view... i know that others may see my "Bad Luck" tattoo in a negative way or think that i chose it because im a negative person. Their vision stops at the surface of a person. Rather than ask. They will pass judgement. Assuming my intent and depth.

I also know there are those who will see it and not judge me. They will see a story behind it. One that is a part of who I am today. They will inquire and show intrest. Seek out its  meaning to me and perspective. Knowing thought was put into such a decision. See deeper...

But the second I offer how it can be perceived differently... once again I'm nothing.

Your understanding of me sours. You take back trying to comfort or converse. You decided what I said made you feel some kinda way... a personal attack, perhaps.

I assure you it was not.

This is where you turned my words inward as they were not pointed at you. You lash out and condemn me to be the things you know will cause me distress. You reinforce my feelings of despair and make the emptiness in my heart that much heavier.

Again I'm gutted. Irrefutably a lost cause to be terminally alone.

I am a very humble person. To a fault I've been told. 

Any questions or conversations I have are to better understand anothers perspective. 

But I'm also very intuitive. I sense when things arent right.

I've never "challanged" a dom I've been involved with. Only asked clarification when I feel things arent right.

I hold more things in than I say. All the time.

That being said.

I don't believe you must submit yourself to being humiliated in order to show humility.

Humiliation is not something the one dishing it can define. What humiliates me may not affect another. 

I am a true submissive with the heart of a slave but degradation and humiliation are things I cannot do. I maintain my humility thru my service to my dom. It takes great strength and humility for a woman like me to submit. 

I shouldn't have to be made to feel like I'm less. Especially after all the work Ive done these past years to become better physically and mentally. All that work was done alone. I dont need recognition but I also don't need dismissiveness by way of being made to be less than I am.

I always find solace in music. It doesn't matter what im running from mentally. There's always a tune or two that easy my soul and ease the burning inside me. 

My greatest coping skill is throwing in my ear buds and drowning the shrieks my demons are bellowing. 

I have a playlist for just about everything. 

I've been very sad lately. What playlist do I turn to you ask.... well, you disnt ask but ima tell your ass anyways.

"Fuck This"

A but of everything on there but mostly it serves to remind me who I am.

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Before I met you, I never felt good enough

Before I let you, in, I'd already given up

Left on read, no reply, left me just wondering why

Now I'm skeptical of love

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me, is it all of me or just one part?

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

I'm terrified, but I'll never let you know

Social suicide, if I ever let it show

Everything feels just right

I fall in place, we fall in line

I'll never let you go

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me, is it all of me or just one part?

So when you hold my hand, do you wanna hold my heart?

When you say you want me

Is it all of me? yeah

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

So when you hold me (when you hold me), am I the only one?

Do you wanna know me (do you wanna know me), or is this all just for fun?

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Tearing my heart in two, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But with you, I can't resist, no, no

Maybe momma doesn't always know best

Momma said there'd be boys like you

Too good to be true, mm-mm, doing what you do, best

Taking me for a ride, telling me pretty little lies

But for you, for you, for you I'll take that risk

This is a term i heard years ago... i was having i very hard time with my PTSD. Looking back im sure it was because i was bathing in my triggers. Kept myself in third gear pinned at all times. It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was my baseline. Hyperaware, hyper-reactive. I wonder how many cardiac events ive had that i dont know about. 

Self mastery refers to being able to control the chaos in your mind. That i admit i still sm learning. 

It is something I find easier to take on when in a dynamic. Being that there is a sense of safety provided by someone other than myself. Im free to help battle my demons along side the hand im under. 

It's a nice thought though...

The one thing I believe every submissive must possess is *selflessness.* I think it is impossible to offer submission with a *selfish heart* or *selfish desire*.

True submission is a gift. The gift of allowing a Dominant to become His true and complete self, thru you.

This cannot be done without trust, honesty and in my mind selflessness as well as a touch of compassion.

To give in order to *gain solely for self* in a D/s relationship, by my standards, is dishonest. You cannot build trust on dishonesty.

When you build a sand castle - you build it back away from the tide... by the shitty sand. But you put in the work bringing bucket after bucket of water to that ass sand till its just like the good sand the tide washes over. If made right, hell... your castle could be there tomorrow. Be lazy and do the what spares you the work, what suits you at the time. Build that shit near the tide. Have fun making it but its not gonna last. The tide washes away all the bullshit...

No way you can be a submissive and not see past the nose on your own face. But the ruse! The ruse of even having a gift to give.

You know they say if you put a frog in a pot of water and turn the heat up slowly.... he'll never realize he's being cooked.

Stupid frog.... right?

Trauma is like that. When you grow up exposed to it daily, you don't realize how many times you put yourself in harms way as an adult.

The flip side to that is you also fail to see a good thing cross your path.

You become used to such uninhabitable surroundings the safe things, the good things do not ping the radar. 

Most times they're long gone before the alarm sounds...

Then boom, you end up as someone's dinner.