My heart is shut down. Feelings factory is slated for demo.
Like in the relationship department. I feel it. Like I said it before but now I truly feel the light has burned out in the place of my heart.
I'm pretty ok with it.
Still being caring and compassionate, I just hope men I have dealings with heed the warning. I don't wanna hurt anyone's heart.
I'm still kind.
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
I have a set of brothers in my stable.
They know about each other.
Constantly trying to out do each other....
I WIN.
the question was posed... "are you going to fuck em both at the same time?"
No answer at the moment. Lol
Scorched earth my friends.
Taking no prisoners. Hearts will be broken... but not mine.
I've decided to compartmentalize my submission, my need to serve. To focus on my life and making it better while I fulfill my carnal needs, but not be involved in a dynamic or relationship.
HO-PHASE with a twist. I'm rebuilding my stable. Have four or five men at the ready... ready to lay it down and not get attached.
Yous a hoooooooooooo.
I have been out of my ADHD meds for.a lil.over two weeks... what a dumpster fire.
I fell behind in school and dropped to a "B".
Just having got my meds today, I really notice the difference. Clear mind, untangled thoughts. Ahhhhhhh...
Had a tiff at work with a nurse and managed to stay calm long enough to walk away... I know what I'm capable of and I'm just thankful I walked away. It's been along time since I wanted to harm someone physically. Feel better today, but violence is always a coin flip away.
Thank God for medication.
Although it is not confirmed... I believe I am going to be taking on a male pet/toy/sub... he is extremely eager and while I may be able to dom[me], I feel i might benefit from a mentor... so that my pet is properly taken care of, suiting his needs best. It is not going to be a full on D/s dynamic. He IS a sub but I will only keep him as a pet/toy...
Thoughts?
I'm looking for a wolf... not any ordinary wolf. My wolf, whom I am bound to.
To savagely devour me over and over...
ULFHEDNAR
Hunt me quiet and close.
The blood lust in your eyes is intoxicating.
Mark me as yours... drink from my cup.
Together for lifetimes on end.
I'm waiting for you to find me, I dream of you prowling. Watching, taking care over me. Keeping what's yours safe.
It's been a bit...
I feel myself moving away from the lifestyle. Immersing myself in survival. The new apartment, school, work... There's a small pit in my stomach filled with missing you.
The ghosts farther now, but still lingering.
What I don't miss is the fighting and lack of understanding. The struggle I had just trying to love and serve you. The suffering.
Can this be it? Is this my happy? It's not so bad. Think I'll stay here for a while.
Bitter sweet...
I've been having some issues in life. I used to get super upset at injustices and unfairness.
Getting upset never benefited me. It was embarrassing and made things worse.
I've come to terms with how people can be. That I cannot impose my values or beliefs on them.
I've become comfortably numb...
Numb to the shitty people at work.
Numb to my desires as a sub.
I can say any degree of trust is off the table. Im not interested in being in a dynamic or vanilla relationship. I can't feel the pain anymore, I'm better off alone.
I'm completely OK with that. All the time and energy I put into others I am now keeping for myself.
So I'm contemplating doing a thing.... joining APEX...
Orientation is next week. It's a bdsm dungeon. I'm kinda excited to meet others in my community. But being a lone sub.... im not sure what there is for me. I'm thinking about volunteering too. I need to spread my wings in my local bdsm community. Feeling hopeful.
I am at a loss.
Having been dubbed self absorbed and blind moments after you took the liberty to express an understanding of my natural tendency to serve others.
What I offered was a view from a different angle. While I can comprehend your point of view... i know that others may see my "Bad Luck" tattoo in a negative way or think that i chose it because im a negative person. Their vision stops at the surface of a person. Rather than ask. They will pass judgement. Assuming my intent and depth.
I also know there are those who will see it and not judge me. They will see a story behind it. One that is a part of who I am today. They will inquire and show intrest. Seek out its meaning to me and perspective. Knowing thought was put into such a decision. See deeper...
But the second I offer how it can be perceived differently... once again I'm nothing.
Your understanding of me sours. You take back trying to comfort or converse. You decided what I said made you feel some kinda way... a personal attack, perhaps.
I assure you it was not.
This is where you turned my words inward as they were not pointed at you. You lash out and condemn me to be the things you know will cause me distress. You reinforce my feelings of despair and make the emptiness in my heart that much heavier.
Again I'm gutted. Irrefutably a lost cause to be terminally alone.